Dana Gould Quotes:

Competition is the death of art.

Topics: Art, Competition

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

Topics: Crazy, Blood, Live Your Life

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

Topics: Art, Intimidating

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

Topics: Blood, Naked, World

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

Topics: Being Funny

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Oct 08, 2012

Topics: Home, Perfect One, Knives

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

Topics: Doe, Finished

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

Topics: Dog, Phones, People

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

Topics: Men, Waiting, Inability

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jul 29, 2013

Topics: Stars, War, Simple, Group Of Friends

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Topics: Dog, Cat, Heaven, Did You Know, Dog Heaven

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Aug 07, 2012

Topics: Want, Loser, Want To Be Happy

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

Topics: Football, Team, Pirate, Catwoman, Pirate Ships

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Topics: Halloween, Sacrifice, Animal, Commercialism

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Oct 13, 2012

Topics: Player, Guitar, Sound

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Topics: Suicide, Murder

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Topics: Believe, Government, Republican, Government Work

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Topics: Alzheimer's, Forget Everything, Grudge

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

Topics: Years, Said

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 20, 2013

Topics: Cute, Scary, Ears

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 28, 2012

Topics: Two, Erotic, Plums

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Mar 09, 2012

Topics: Long, Machines, Time Machine

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Topics: Cells, Numbers, Giving, Meeting New Friends

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jul 18, 2013

Topics: Nice, People, Soul

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Topics: Sarcasm, Thinking, People, Defensiveness

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Topics: Coffins, Found

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 11, 2013

Topics: People, Camping, Homeless, Homeless People

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 06, 2012

Topics: Circles, Trying, Doe

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Topics: Pride, Cupcakes, Watches

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

Topics: Tattoo, Race, Years

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Topics: Time Management, Management, Break

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Topics: Fun, Voice, Littles, Voices In My Head

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 12, 2013

Topics: Two, Bird, Stones, Two Birds

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

Topics: Football, Please, Turns

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Sep 27, 2012

Topics: Being Real, Remember, Reason

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

Topics: Guy, Bombs, Pressure, Cookers

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Aug 13, 2013

Topics: Mean, Snakes, Intimacy, Phobia

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Apr 10, 2012

Topics: Brother, Fake, Giants

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Topics: Sorry, Mean, Apologizing, Love Means

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Topics: Dog, Lying, Men

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Topics: Naked, World, Want

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Aug 13, 2013

Topics: Clouds, Cotton, Eating, Cotton Candy

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

Topics: Coffee, Long, Waiting, Long Lines

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

Topics: Men, Vampire, Costumes

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Topics: Believe, Laughing, Guidance, Counsellors, Stifling

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

Topics: Men, Land, Dating

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

Topics: Common Sense, Hot, Different, Sundaes, Different Meanings

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Topics: Life Is Like, Reality Bites, Duty, Jury, Jury Duty

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

Topics: Winning, Men, Fiction Novels

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

Topics: Sad, Waiting, Live In The Now

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Topics: Guy, Ponytails, Lectures

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

Topics: Doe, Atm, Cash

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

Topics: Nice, People, Heaven

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Topics: Reality, Self, People, Douchebags, Reality Tv

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

Topics: Daddy, Political, Politics

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

Topics: Backwards, Just Sayin

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

Topics: Party, Thinking, Exclamation Points, Punctuation Marks, Exclamation

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Topics: Dog, Mean, Poop

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

Topics: Boys, Hands, Catholic, Bridesmaids, Roman Catholic Church

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

Topics: Tuna, Sandwiches, Want

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Aug 08, 2012

Topics: Photo Of Me, Guy, Looks, Old Guys

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

Topics: Difficult, Conferences, Headset, Bluetooth, Conference Calls

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Feb 01, 2012

Topics: Dog, Doors, Parent, Birth Parents

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Mar 15, 2012

Topics: Hands, Abortion, Guy, Potato Chips, Pringles

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 27, 2013

Topics: Perfect, Pet, Noise, Chihuahua

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Aug 10, 2013

Topics: Long, Important, Together

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

Topics: Differences, Bigs, Polls

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

Topics: Morning, Memories, Thinking

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Topics: Fire, House, Painting

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Topics: Hate, Kids, Giving, Someone You Hate, Kazoos

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

Topics: Jumping, Long, Kicking, Bungee, Bungee Jumping

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

Topics: Self, Comfort, Stores, Checkouts

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

Topics: Car, Listening, Radio, Car Driving

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Oct 01, 2012

Topics: Coffee, Done, Drink

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

Topics: Children, War, Coffee, Poor Children

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

Topics: Dog, Soul, Secret, Pork Chops

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Topics: Comedian, Way, Waitress

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Apr 06, 2012

Topics: Baby, Jobs, Nice, Nice Family

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Topics: Tired, Laurels, Decided

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Topics: Looks, Global Warming, Kind, Snowman

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

Topics: Hair, Differences, Cry

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

Topics: Remember You, Remembers You, Pants

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Topics: Cancer, Simple, Wife

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

Topics: Gun, Common Sense, Legislation

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Topics: Positive Experiences, Ten

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Topics: Dating, Four, Months

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Topics: Men, Cowboy, Suits You, Tough Man, Chaps

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

Topics: Real, Hard Times, Cities, Mailboxes, Fur Coats

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Topics: Workaholic, Drink, Liquor

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 12, 2012

Topics: Looks

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

Topics: Girlfriend, Disappointment, Big Girl, Ex Girlfriend

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

Topics: Simple, People, World

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

Topics: School, Past, People

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Topics: Live In The Moment, Trying, Too Late

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

Topics: Tv Shows, Land, Evil

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 05, 2012

Topics: Thanks, Live In The Present, Force

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Mar 26, 2012

Topics: Christian, Jesus, Atheist

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

Topics: Pie, Hobos, Global Warming

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

Topics: Hurt, Eye, Trying, It Really Hurts, Bright Side

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Topics: Peanut Butter, Peanuts, Excuse

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

Topics: Too Much Information, Responding, Behinds

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

Topics: Children, Earthquakes, Parent, Beauty Pageant

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Aug 02, 2013

Topics: Names, Paris, Lasts, Candy Bar, Tango

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jul 13, 2013

Topics: Winning, People, Tornadoes, Toddler, Beauty Pageant

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

Topics: Hipster, Sea, Age, Tramps

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

Topics: Memories, Knives, Pumpkin, Indelible, Carving

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Topics: Eye, Way, Good Way

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

Topics: Dawn, Horrible, Primitive

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

Topics: Dying, Reckoning, Ifs

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

Topics: Soup, Way, Eating, Peas

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

Topics: Tattoo, Jesus, Style

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Feb 19, 2012

Topics: Dog, Lying, Age

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

Topics: Eye, Want, Faces

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

Topics: Cows, Way, Milk, Blizzard

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Aug 08, 2012

Topics: Children, Guy, Three, Shorts

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Topics: Looks, Tone, Condom, Walnuts

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Topics: Thinking, Used, Knows

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

Topics: Dad, Balls, Want

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

Topics: Mistake, Enough

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

Topics: Cat, Animal, Rhinos

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Apr 13, 2012

Topics: People, Mouths, Old People

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Oct 06, 2012

Topics: Dog, Speech, Middle

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

Topics: Two, Ku Klux Klan, People

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Topics: Family, Religious, Cat, Religious Family

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

source: - "10 hilarious tweets from the great Dana Gould" by Liana Maeby, uproxx.com. January 21, 2014.

Topics: Doors, Sound, Toilets

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Topics: Airplane, Thinking, Hunches, Helicopters

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Topics: Dog, Cat, My Dog

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

Topics: Xmas, Light, Vintage, Vintage Clothing

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

Topics: Emotional, Issues, Ventriloquism

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jul 17, 2013

Topics: Dog, Morning, May, Walking Out

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jul 13, 2013

Topics: Promise, Coma, Ifs

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

Topics: Glasses, Eggs, Cold

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Topics: Sex, Two, Row Boats

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Topics: Hate, Massachusetts, Towns, Things I Hate

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

Topics: Ideas, Lice, May, Selling Something

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Topics: Fire, What If, Devil, Pitchforks, Leotards

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

Topics: Peanut Butter, Peanuts, Virgins

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Oct 17, 2012

Topics: Believe, Golf, Don't Believe

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Topics: Anxiety, Life Is Like, Muppet, Muppet Show

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

Topics: Kids, Generations, Kung Fu

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Topics: Daughter, Love Life, Bored, Courtney

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 26, 2012

Topics: Guy, Kind, Let Me, Great Times

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

Topics: Real, Thinking, Drawing, Reality Shows, Holograms

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 29, 2012

Topics: Hoodies, Looks, Hips

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

Topics: Thinking, Horny, Enough, Bros

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Topics: Shoes, Looks, My Favorite

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

Topics: Running, Sweat, Jogging, Muggers

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

Topics: Jesus, Powerful, Fall

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jul 29, 2013

Topics: Gone, Reason, Used

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

Topics: Sorry, Men, Thinking

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Topics: Father, Weight, Pay

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

Topics: Nightmare, Clown, Boners

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

Topics: Way

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

Topics: Mirrors, Guy, Ponds

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

Topics: Holiness, Bachelors, Sanctity, Heterosexual Marriage

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

Topics: Born Again, Bigs, After Death

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Feb 10, 2012

Topics: Boys, Catholic, Church, Moral Authority, Uterus

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

Topics: School, Jumping, Joy, Being Old, Clapping

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

Topics: Halloween, Dresses, Transvestites

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Topics: Years, Aliens, Hillbilly

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

source: - "10 hilarious tweets from the great Dana Gould" by Liana Maeby, uproxx.com. January 21, 2014.

Topics: Competition, Comedian, Would Be

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

Topics: Zombie, Ghost

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

Topics: Stars, War, Three, War Movie, Star Wars Movie

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

Topics: People, Feels, Good Place

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

Topics: Mom, Morning, Trends

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

Topics: Competition, Mammals, Beard

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Feb 29, 2012

Topics: War, Moon, Names

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

Topics: Mean, Kids, Blame, Having Kids

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

Topics: Cat, Scary, Cages

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

Topics: Compassion, Looks, Republican

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Topics: Sorry, Team, School, Cougars

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Topics: Corn

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Topics: Dog, Couches

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

Topics: Winning, Competition, Want

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Sep 06, 2012

Topics: Teacher, Guy, Chemistry, Chemistry Teachers

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

Topics: Baby, Jesus, Night

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Aug 30, 2012

Topics: Sex, Function, Synonym

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Aug 23, 2013

Topics: Places To Live, Terror, Constant

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

Topics: Believe, Storm, Climate

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

Topics: Pain, War, Suffering, Dirt Bikes

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Topics: Knives, Way, Conversation

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

Topics: Girl, Perfect, Looks, Muppet Show, Muppet

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Topics: Knowing, Naked, Weird Things

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Topics: Perfect, Pimp, Growing, Escalades

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

Topics: Thinking, Asking, Faces

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

Topics: Music, Fun, Party

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jul 04, 2012

Topics: Sex, Faces, Romney

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Topics: Hate, People, Mind, Hate Being Alone

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Oct 15, 2012

Topics: War, Two, Beast

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 21, 2013

Topics: Shortcuts, Abbreviations, Easy

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

Topics: Octopus, Brain, Helping, Tentacles

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Topics: Emotional, Dysfunction, Tampons, Cauldrons

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 16, 2013

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Topics: Dog, Kids, Gone, I Love My Dog, Love My Dog

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

Topics: Successful, Rolling, Definitions

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Topics: Firsts, Fantastic, Mics

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

Topics: Use, Littles, Crime, Scatterbrain

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

Topics: Moon, Sky, Coincidence

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

Topics: Kids, Buckets, Alarms

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

source: - FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jul 26, 2013

Topics: Emotional, Thinking, Feelings, Doritos