Henny Youngman Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

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“What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Use #Aging
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Love #Marriage #Secret
“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny Inspirational #Winning #Battle
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Witty #Good Life
“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Money #Motivation
“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Health #Doctors
“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Success #Firsts
“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Good Morning #Laughter
“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Drinking #Beer #Drunk
“Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Years #Two #People
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Wife #Cooking #Dresses
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did”
-- Henny Youngman

#Wife #Credit #Thieves
“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Husband #Inspiration #Wife
“You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.”
-- Henny Youngman

#I Love You #Love You #Married
“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Good Life #Drinking #Grandmother
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Crazy #Book #Reading
“A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Get Well #Two #Sick
“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Golf #Two #Balls
“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Atheist #Holiday #Atheism
“What is a home without children? Quiet.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Children #Home #Quiet
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Marriage #Letting Go #Hands
“I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Mother #Nice #Law
“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”
-- Henny Youngman

#Inspirational #Funny #Graduation
“She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Marriage #Faces #Comedy
“My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!”
-- Henny Youngman

#Time #Son #Feet
“The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Horse #Journey #Diaries
“My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Beautiful #Wife #Political
“My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'”
-- Henny Youngman

#Doctors #Cynical #Wallets
“I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Killing #Made #Shots
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
-- Henny Youngman

#Funny #Relationship #Anniversary

21 Great Quotes By Henny Youngman That Will Make You Laugh Yourself Sick

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