Chelsea Handler Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

“Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Morning #Fun #Surfing

“I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Who I Am #Roles #Tvs

“A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Israel #Trying #Sides

“I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#People #Television #Chance

“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Funny #Mother #Jobs

“When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#People #Looks #Benefits

“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Funny #Sleep #Thinking

“I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Reading #Book #Phones

“I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#People #Shining

“I was so frivolous for so many years. It was so much fun, but you feel guilty about the brain energy you use to think about whether some celebrity was sleeping with another celebrity. The conjecture that goes along with that. You feel like your mind has been shot apart.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Fun #Sleep #Thinking

“Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Laughing #Important #Laugh At Yourself

“I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Men #Trying #Who Cares

“You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Dog

“I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Drinking #Beer #Thinking

“My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Dog #Ex Boyfriend #Car

“It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Virtue #Pursue

“I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#No Friends #Want #Tact

“We women have to stick together.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Together #Sticks

“I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Sweet #Mean #Thinking

“I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Important #Needs #Way

“I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Stupid #Comedian #Ridiculous

“What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Running #Exercise #People

“You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Mind #Want #Speak

“Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Baby #Medicine #Turtles

“The important thing is to be drunk.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Drunk #Important

“I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Down And #Quitter

“I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Funny #Want #Comedy

“I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Confusion #Firsts #Speak

“A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Ideas #Rooms #Good Times

“Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!”
-- Chelsea Handler

#Country #Weekend #Thoughtful