Phyllis Diller quotes
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“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”
-- Phyllis Diller#Football Quotes #Motivational Sports Quotes #Inspiration Quotes
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“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”
-- Phyllis DillerSource : Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.77, Penguin
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“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
-- Phyllis DillerSource : Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)
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“I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
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“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
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“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
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“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
-- Phyllis DillerSource : Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)
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“I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
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“Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.”
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“I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
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“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
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“You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
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“I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'”
-- Phyllis DillerSource : Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.242, Penguin
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“Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.”
-- Phyllis DillerSource : "New Again: Janeane Garofalo". Interview with Phyllis Diller, www.interviewmagazine.com. July 29, 2015.
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“If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
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“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
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“I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
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“... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.”
-- Phyllis Diller -
“Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.”
-- Phyllis Diller
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