J. B. Smoove famous quotes

I wouldn't want to be someone's roommate, that's for sure. You can't do certain things, you can't leave the bathroom door open...you can't put your feet on the couch, you can't hide stuff in the couch.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Doors #Feet #Want

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing. I power wash everything: my wife, the mailman with the f-cking mail, power wash his ass, f-ck my mail up, I don't care.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Wife #House #Gardening

For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Moving

I drive a big Dodge truck. I drive American cars.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Car #Dodge #Truck

I have to satisfy my audience.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Audience

I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Believe #Use #I Believe

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Guy #Easier #Found

Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Car #Tennessee #Breaking Down

I don't consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there's a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I'll do it.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Broken #Comedian #Creation

Sometimes you got to put somebody in their place, let them know that you mean business and you're a grown ass man.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Mean #Men #Sometimes

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?
-- J. B. Smoove

#Motivation #Trying #Pants

Sad when you spend more time trying to stay alive than living.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Trying #Alive #More Time

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Life Is #Wells

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?
-- J. B. Smoove

#Phones #Tupperware #Stuff

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Waiting #Make Things Happen #Happens

Comedians are therapists. People honestly think we're doing it for ourselves. No. If we wanted to do stand-up for ourselves, we would perform in front of a mirror and never go to a club. We are giving this away. Some people are going through so much in their lives, they want to hear something else that's going on in the world and laugh.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Thinking #Mirrors #People

Father's Day just be Mother's Day the sequel.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Mother #Father #Mother's Day

Before I got into stand-up, I used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew, and my name was J. Smoove, and my partner was J. Groove.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Names #Hip Hop #Dancer

I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.
-- J. B. Smoove

#People #Funny Videos #Chance

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Fall #Pieces #Bread

To be a true comic, you have to have a signature move. You ever watch wrestling? And your favorite wrestler has the one move that he always does to finish his opponent off, right? Like when he climbs on the rope, and he always jumps off the top rope and finishes off his opponent - that's what a comic has.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Moving #Wrestling #Signatures

At the top of this list has to be "get in that ass". It's the ultimate Leonism to get you through life.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Lists #Ass #Ultimate

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?
-- J. B. Smoove

#House #Taste #Chickens

You can't let people take advantage of you. Go get that ass.
-- J. B. Smoove

#People #Ass #Advantage

If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Boss #Causes #Late

True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Player #Yankees #Fans

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Use #Hamburgers #Turns

Women put guys through tests all the time.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Guy #Tests

The ruckus is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Different Experiences #Tolerance #Different

When you're on stage performing stand-up, things only happen one time. I've done bits where I improv a joke, and people are dying. The next show, I try to repeat it, I can't do it. Because with the first audience that was our moment. It can't happen the same way again. We were all there: a certain type of people were at that show and we all got it.
-- J. B. Smoove

#People #Dying #Trying

You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Iphone #Apples #Months

I'm, like, everybody's friend. I'm one of those dudes. I can be friends with anybody. Any race of person, any personality, I can kind of deal with them. I accept different types of people.
-- J. B. Smoove

#Race #People #Personality