Craig Kilborn quotes
-
“A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoir has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
-
“There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.'”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
-
“Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message - if I have one.'”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“People who go into show business are screwed up.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
-
“Comedy doesn't always have to come from a dark place.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“The places I've worked in the past, I always stayed three years and moved on.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“I always tell people I romanticize about doing something simple, like doing radio in northern California.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
-
“My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.'”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“I think that you're always going to have some people who are negative or view you in a certain way.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Boeing is working on an invisible fighter jet so nobody can see who's flying it. Didn't George Bush fly this in the National Guard, I believe?”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“You may have heard this, that NASA discovered water on Mars When he heard about the water on Mars, President Bush said, 'Is it regular or unleaded?'”
-- Craig Kilborn -
-
“The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“If loving you is wrong, then I'll just like you a whole bunch!”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“I think mankind is overly sensitive, very needy, greedy, and flawed.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
-
“Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race. He said, 'If I can't run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I'm out of here.'”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I'm sorry, that is next year's joke.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Apparently, six women claim that Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them while working on his movies. Hats off to these women who admit they worked on Arnold's movies.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
-
“The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Happy birthday to former First Lady Barbara Bush, who turned seventy-seven this week. Unfortunately, where her granddaughters helped blow out the candles on her cake, it exploded.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
-
“While there's no 'I' in team, there's also no 'you', okay? So back off.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
-
“People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“I have a wonderful respect for old people.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
-
“President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.'”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Hillary Clinton has finished writing her book where she says her marriage couldn't be stronger, and Bill just finished his book titled 'Chicks I Nailed While Hillary was Writing Her Book.'”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“A study shows breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness... from all the free drinks.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“It's not a big part, ... I wheel in an ultrasound machine and say to Taylor's gynecologist, 'If you have a problem with it, just give it a light tap on the side.' Then they hand me a urine sample, and I put it up to the light and say 'Hmm, looks pretty healthy, but I'll check.'”
-- Craig Kilborn -
-
“Singer Boy Dylan was stopped at his own sow by security guards who failed to recognize the singer. Asked to comment, Dylan replied, 'I can hardly blame them. Look at me.'”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor. He's got a great slogan - 'Vote for me, or I'll make 'Kindergarten Cop II”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
-
“Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, 'The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova.'”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Maria Shriver is credited with helping Arnold win by standing by him despite allegations of groping. She had to stand by him cause Arnold had a vice grip on her left ***** cheek.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“Critics say Arnold has no previous government experience, but advisers say he's clearly the most qualified Austrian, ex-Mr. Universe in the race.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
“President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield.”
-- Craig Kilborn -
You may also like:
-
A. Whitney Brown
Writer -
Christine Lakin
Actress -
Craig Ferguson
Talk show host -
David Javerbaum
Writer -
David Letterman
Talk show host -
Demetri Martin
Comedian -
Ed Helms
Actor -
John Oliver
Comedian -
Jon Heder
Actor -
Jon Stewart
Satirist -
Kevin Sorbo
Actor -
Lizz Winstead
Comedian -
Rob Corddry
Actor -
Samantha Bee
Actress -
Stephen Colbert
Satirist -
Steve Carell
Actor -
Tom Snyder
Television personality -
Wyatt Cenac
Stand-up comedian -
Dennis Dugan
Actor -
Trevor Noah
Comedian