Rodney Dangerfield quotes
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“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.”
-- Rodney DangerfieldSource : "Rodney Dangerfield: What I've Learned" by Cal Fussman, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.
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“A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.”
-- Rodney DangerfieldSource : Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.22, Zondervan
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“I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
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“I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
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“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”
-- Rodney DangerfieldSource : "Laugh Off: The Comedy Showdown Between Real Life and the Pros". Book by Bob Fenster, 2005.
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“With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
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“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
-- Rodney DangerfieldSource : Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.88, Zondervan
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“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.”
-- Rodney DangerfieldSource : Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.178, Zondervan
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“I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
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“It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield -
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“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield
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