Mallory Ortberg Quotes and Sayings - Page 3

“Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#People #Who We Are #Celibacy

“You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Wish #Causes #Someday

“In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a "healthy lifestyle" in order to rent property.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#America #Order #Healthy

“It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Sex #Taken #Home

“Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Reading #White #Attention

“It's so difficult to figure out how to offer support and also be honest with someone you love who's in a damaging relationship without making them feel defensive and retreating even further into isolation.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Support #Honest #Isolation

“I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Memories #Thinking #Decision

“Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#People #Attention #Becoming

“Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Tables #Diapers

“You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Loss #Needs #Able

“You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Giving #Credit #Want

“If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Husband #Ifs And #Reason

“I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Sex #Husband #Real

“The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Ideas #Asking #Bonus

“Anyone who thinks it’s funny to name their network "Tom’sHugeEtc" is going to think it’s funny that one of his neighbors is also named Tom and is embarrassed by it.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Thinking #Names #Neighbor

“You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Recovery #Addiction #Needs

“You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Parent #Events #Care

“Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Sexy #Girlfriend #Father

“You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the marvelous business of being an adult human is that you get to set your own boundaries for whatever reasons you like, without appending a sensible rationale to them.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Feelings #Adults #Lines

“If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of desire to me. If she went around saying, "Actually, I'm still very interested in men, particularly you, you massive dose of sexual charisma," you might have a case.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Bisexual #Men #Wife

“Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Kindness #Gay #Hypocrisy

“Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over; let them go.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Dream #People #Worry

“I don't think unfriending your old crush on Facebook will do much other than remove him from your Facebook feed. Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about; there are a lot worse things that could slip across the transom of your unconscious mind than an old high school crush who was always nice to you.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Crush #Dream #Nice

“I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Dream #Way #Topics

“There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Children #Pregnancy #Alternatives

“A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Dog #Children #Lying

“o one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It’s a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to take a cruise just to see you get married, and they’re perfectly justified in saying no if they don’t have the time, the money, or simply the inclination.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#People #Married #Cruise

“The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Facts #Odd #Hardest

“Don't let a friend make you feel publicly uncomfortable indefinitely just because they're probably a lesbian.”
-- Mallory Ortberg

#Uncomfortable #Feels