Dov Davidoff quotes
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“I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.”
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“If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.”
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“I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.”
-- Dov DavidoffSource : Dov Davidoff (2017). “Road Dog: Life and Reflections from the Road as a Stand-up Comic”, p.153, St. Martin's Press
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“Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.”
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“Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.”
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“Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.”
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“Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.”
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“I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.”
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“Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.”
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“It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.”
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“Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?”
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“I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.”
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“We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.”
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“All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.”
-- Dov DavidoffSource : FaceBook post by Dov Davidoff from Feb 10, 2012
#Happiness Quotes #Names Quotes #Money Can't Buy Happiness Quotes
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“Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.”
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“Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.”
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“I'm pretty sure whoever said, people are wonderful spent very little time with people.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.”
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“How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.”
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“Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.”
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“How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.”
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“Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.”
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“Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.”
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“Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.”
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“People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.”
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“Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.”
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“TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.”
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“Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.”
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“I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.”
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“The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?”
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“Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.”
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“Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.”
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“Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.”
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“Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.”
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“If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.”
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“Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.”
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“Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.”
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“Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.”
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“Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.”
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“Fake ***** are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.”
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“The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.”
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“My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.”
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“America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.”
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“Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.”
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“Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.”
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“Ending a sentence with yo, is like saying, I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever. Know what I mean yo?”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.”
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“Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.”
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“The man I want to be could easily beat me up.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?”
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“Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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“Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
“Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.”
-- Dov Davidoff -
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