Wilson Mizner quotes
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“Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.”
-- Wilson MiznerSource : Quoted in Evan Esar, The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (1949). Colonel Tom Parker, Elvis Presley's manager, is said to have remarked, "You don't have to be nice to people you meet on the way up if you're not coming back down again."
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“The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.”
-- Wilson MiznerSource : Evanell K. Powell Brant, Addison Mizner, Wilson Mizner (1979*). “Debauched Proverbs and Other Miznerisms of Addison Mizner and Wilson Mizner”
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“Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
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“The first hundred years are the hardest.”
-- Wilson MiznerSource : "Dreamers, Schemers and Scalawags". Book by Stuart B. McIver, 1994.
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“I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.”
-- Wilson MiznerSource : Evanell K. Powell Brant, Addison Mizner, Wilson Mizner (1979*). “Debauched Proverbs and Other Miznerisms of Addison Mizner and Wilson Mizner”
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“I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
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“The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.”
-- Wilson MiznerSource : Quoted in Edward Dean Sullivan, The Fabulous Wilson Mizner (1935)
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“I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.”
-- Wilson MiznerSource : Evanell K. Powell Brant, Addison Mizner, Wilson Mizner (1979*). “Debauched Proverbs and Other Miznerisms of Addison Mizner and Wilson Mizner”
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“A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.”
-- Wilson MiznerSource : Quoted in Bennett Cerf, Try and Stop Me: A Collection of Anecdotes and Stories, Mostly Humorous (1944). Although this is usually credited to Mizner, the Los Angeles Times, 17 Mar. 1941, quotes Bob Oliver: "If you steal from one man, it's plagiarism. If you steal from several, it's research."
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“A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
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“There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.”
-- Wilson MiznerSource : Quoted in Evan Esar, The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (1949)
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“There's nothing so comfortable as a small bankroll. A big one is always in danger.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“It is criminal negligence to leave suckers lying around to tempt honest men.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
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“What feeling is so nice as a child's hand in yours? So small, so soft and warm, like a kitten huddling in the shelter of your clasp.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“You're a mouse studying to be a rat.”
-- Wilson MiznerSource : Quoted in Alva Johnston, The Legendary Mizners (1953)
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“He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
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“Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, you”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“I had never considered marriage, but I had an open mind, and I was to learn after a brief try at it that most open minds should be closed for repairs.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“If you count all your assets you always show a profit.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
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“Women can instantly see through each other, and it's surprising how little they observe that's pleasant.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“I want a priest, a rabbi and a Protestant minister. I want to hedge my bets.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
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“It's getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“Florida was invented for Addison Mizner's little brother.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed.”
-- Wilson MiznerSource : Quoted in John Burke, Rogue's Progress: The Fabulous Adventures of Wilson Mizner (1975)
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“The only bird that gives the poor a real tumble is the stork.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“The most pitiful human ailment is a birdseed heart.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
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“In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
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“The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“A fellow who is always declaring that he's no fool, usually has his suspicions.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
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“Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor-unassisted.”
-- Wilson MiznerSource : Evanell K. Powell Brant, Addison Mizner, Wilson Mizner (1979*). “Debauched Proverbs and Other Miznerisms of Addison Mizner and Wilson Mizner”
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“Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“God help those who do not help themselves.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
“All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.”
-- Wilson Mizner -
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