Russell Howard quotes

Russell Howard quotes

last updated: November 28, 2023

“The Bible says gays arent natural. What, and a talking snake is?!”
-- Russell Howard

#Gay Quotes #Snakes Quotes #Talking Quotes
“Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Queens Quotes #Gone Quotes
“'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Police Quotes #Monsters Quotes
“So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.'”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Mother Quotes #Father Quotes
“If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Sex Quotes #Taken Quotes
“Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm.”
-- Russell Howard

#Moving Quotes #Mean Quotes #Wife Quotes
“I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Humor Quotes #Guy Quotes
“What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Humor Quotes #Opposites Quotes
“I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Girl Quotes #Sex Quotes
“The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #School Quotes #Humor Quotes
“Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Dad Quotes #Humor Quotes
“She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Humor Quotes #Identity Quotes
“Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Children Quotes #Humor Quotes
“Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Valentine Quotes #Humor Quotes
“I've never said flange to a monkey!”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Humor Quotes #Monkeys Quotes
“I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Humor Quotes #Eye Quotes
“When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Humor Quotes #Jumping Quotes
“From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Humor Quotes #Predator Quotes
“Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Humor Quotes #People Quotes
“Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Humor Quotes #Bears Quotes
“This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Humor Quotes #Blokes Quotes
“Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Humor Quotes
“With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Sex Quotes #Humor Quotes
“I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade”
-- Russell Howard

#Funny Quotes #Children Quotes #Humor Quotes

You may also like:

Al Murray
Stand-up comedian
Billy Connolly
Comedian
Dara O Briain
Stand-up comedian
Dave Gorman
Author
Doc Brown
Rapper
Ed Byrne
Comedian
Frank Skinner
Comedian
Frankie Boyle
Comedian
Jack Whitehall
Comedian
Jimmy Carr
Comedian
John Bishop
Stand-up comedian
Jon Richardson
Comedian
Lee Evans
Comedian
Michael McIntyre
Stand-up comedian
Nina Conti
Actress
Rhod Gilbert
Comedian
Russell Brand
Comedian
Sarah Millican
Comedian
Sean Lock
Comedian
Stewart Francis
Comedian