Lewis Grizzard quotes
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“It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.”
-- Lewis GrizzardSource : Lewis Grizzard (1990). “Gettin' it on: a down-home treasury”, BBS Publishing Corporation
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“There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.”
-- Lewis GrizzardSource : Lewis Grizzard (1989). “Don't Bend Over in the Garden, Granny, You Know Them Taters Got Eyes”, Ballantine Books
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“I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
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“I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.”
-- Lewis GrizzardSource : Lewis Grizzard (1995). “Life Is Like a Dogsled Team . . . If You're Not the Lead Dog, the Scenery Never Changes: The Wit and Wisdom of Lewis Grizzard”, Longstreet Press
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“The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.”
-- Lewis GrizzardSource : Lewis Grizzard (1990). “Gettin' it on: a down-home treasury”, BBS Publishing Corporation
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“Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
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“Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“There's no such thing as being too Southern.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did, someone else would own the orchard.”
-- Lewis GrizzardSource : "Heapin' Helping of True Grizzard: Down Home Again with Lewis Grizzard".
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“When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room, Will I Be Too Old To Care?”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.”
-- Lewis GrizzardSource : Lewis Grizzard (1995). “Life Is Like a Dogsled Team . . . If You're Not the Lead Dog, the Scenery Never Changes: The Wit and Wisdom of Lewis Grizzard”, Longstreet Press
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“The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
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“I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
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“There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
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“If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“"Have you done your homework?" my mother would ask. "I'll do it later." "You will do it now, young man. I don't want you winding up on the third shift at Flagg-Utica." Flagg-Utica was a local textile plant. Somehow, I never could figure how failing to read three chapters in my geography book about the various sorts of vegetation to be found in a tropical rain forest had anything to do with facing a life as a mill hand. But with enough guilt and fear as catalysts, you can read anything, even geography books and Deuteronomy.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
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“If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“Elvis is dead and I don't feel good for myself.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
“They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.”
-- Lewis Grizzard -
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