David Wong quotes

  • Something coming back from the dead was almost always bad news. Movies taught me that. For every one Jesus you get a million zombies.
    -- David Wong

    #Jesus #Zombie #News

  • But remember, there are two ways to dehumanize someone: by dismissing them, and by idolizing them.
    -- David Wong

    #Two #Way #Remember

  • To this day I don’t know if he was struggling with the moral implications of gunning down half a dozen civilians, or if he was mentally counting to see if he had that many shells left in the gun.
    -- David Wong

    #Struggle #Gun #Shells

  • Cynicism does not cause inaction..
    -- David Wong

    #Doe #Causes #Cynicism

  • He whipped the chair around and actually split one of the things in half with the impact, spilling the spray of blood that was reflective, like mercury. John bellowed, "Anyone else want to donate blood to chair-ity?" He ducked into the the door and bashed one monster right in the wig, screaming, "There's some dessert! With a chair-y on top!
    -- David Wong

    #Impact #Doors #Blood

  • The phrase 'sodomized by a bratwurst poltergeist' suddenly flew through my mind.
    -- David Wong

    #Mind #Phrases #Flew

  • ... life is a flickering candle we all carry around. A gust of wind, a meaningless accident, a microsecond of carelessness, and it's out. Forever.
    -- David Wong

    #Wind #Forever #Life Is

  • Falling in love with a house or a car or a pair of shoes, it was a dead end. You save your love for the things that can love you back.
    -- David Wong

    #Falling In Love #Love You #Shoes

  • What humans want most of all, is to be right. Even if we're being right about our own doom. If we believe there are monsters around the next corner ready to tear us apart, we would literally prefer to be right about the monsters, than to be shown to be wrong in the eyes of others and made to look foolish.
    -- David Wong

    #Believe #Eye #Tears

  • Are the most dangerous creatures the ones that use doors or the ones that don't?
    -- David Wong

    #Doors #Use #Dangerous

  • No. He says when you're dealing with any kids of supernatural beings, Gods and Devils and angels, you tend to think about them like hurricanes or earthquakes, some kind of mindless force of nature. But if they're real, then they have minds. They know your name. So even reading about the Devil tips him off, he knows instantly he's being read about and that you're somebody he may have to deal with. And I'm thinking what you did in Vegas went way, way beyond that." "What 'I' did? What about us? We were both there." "Yeah but I cut my hair since then. They probably think that was a different guy.
    -- David Wong

    #Real #Reading #Kids

  • My melon soul Crushed by your Gallagher of apathy
    -- David Wong

    #Soul #Apathy #Melons

  • Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns.
    -- David Wong

    #Block #Alive #Tiny

  • John flung himself into a pseudo-karate stance, one hand poised behind him and one in front, posed like a cartoon cactus. I thought for an odd moment he had moved his limbs so fast they had made that whoosh sound through air but then I realized John was making that sound with his mouth.
    -- David Wong

    #Air #Hands #Cartoon

  • You're the kind of man a man wants when a man wants a man.
    -- David Wong

    #Men #Want #Kind

  • You see, time is an ocean, not a garden hose. Space is a puff of smoke, a wisp of cloud.
    -- David Wong

    #Ocean #Garden #Clouds

  • John's old Caddie had a huge engine that would qualify as a human rights violation if built today. It roared down the road, chugging gas and farting a blue cloud of dinosaur souls.
    -- David Wong

    #Blue #Clouds #Rights

  • Kittens will make your sad go away
    -- David Wong

    #Going Away #Kitten

  • All of society is built to prop up that lie, the whole world a big, noisy puppet show meant to distract us from the fact that at the end, you'll die, and you'll probably be alone.
    -- David Wong

    #Lying #World #Puppets

  • That ability to see the right choice, but not until several hours have passed since making the wrong one? That's what makes a person a dumbass, folks.
    -- David Wong

    #Choices #Dumbasses #Hours

  • Children die every day because millions of us tell ourselves that caring is just as good as doing.
    -- David Wong

    #Children #Caring

  • PEOPLE DIE. This is the fact the world desperately hides from us from birth. Long after you find out the truth about sex and Santa Claus, this other myth endures, this one about how you’ll always get rescued at the last second and if not, your death will at least mean something and there’ll be somebody there to hold your hand and cry over you. All of society is built to prop up that lie, the whole world a big, noisy puppet show meant to distract us from the fact that at the end, you’ll die, and you’ll probably be alone.
    -- David Wong

    #Sex #Lying #Mean

  • War is about remaking the world to suit the whims of some powerful group over the whims of some other powerful group. The dead are just the sparks that fly from the metal as they grind it down.
    -- David Wong

    #Powerful #War #Groups

  • The English language needs a word for that feeling you get when you badly need help, but there is no one you can call because you're not popular enough to have friends, not rich enough to have employees, and not powerful enough to have lackeys. It is a very distinct cocktail of impotence, loneliness and a sudden stark assessment of your non-worth to society? Enturdment?
    -- David Wong

    #Powerful #Loneliness #Assessment

  • Antidepressants. The thought of this girl actually being depressed made me want to grab the whole planet and throw it into the sun. Well, more than usual anyway.
    -- David Wong

    #Girl #Usual #Want

  • If I knew me as somebody else, I would hate me just as much. Why have a double standard?
    -- David Wong

    #Hate #Double Standard #Hate Me

  • Which would prove I'm a monster, Arnie? Sacrificing the people I love for the fight? Or walking away from the fight to save the people i love?
    -- David Wong

    #Fighting #Sacrifice #Walking Away

  • Here’s exclusive Channel 5 video of a local man having his brain eaten by a winged gremlin. Local gremlin experts warn that—
    -- David Wong

    #Men #Brain #Experts

  • Welcome to freakdom, Dave. It’ll be time to start a Web site soon, where you’ll type out everything in one huge paragraph.
    -- David Wong

    #Welcome #Dave #Type

  • Let's say you have an ax. Just a cheap one, from Home Depot. On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don't worry, the man was already dead. Or maybe you should worry, because you're the one who shot him.
    -- David Wong

    #Home #Winter #Men

  • Son, the greatest trick the Devil pulled was convincing the world there was only one of him.
    -- David Wong

    #Life #Son #Devil

  • No, I don't, like, play an instrument or anything.I'm just...well, you saw me at the beginning there. I was the guy that fell down and died.
    -- David Wong

    #Play #Guy #Down And

  • I wanted to curl up into a fetal position and start sucking my thumb, let my tears and dripping saliva pool under me. Sorry. I tried living, tried being sentient. Can't do it. Can't live in the same universe with that.
    -- David Wong

    #Sorry #Tears #Curls

  • At this point two elderly security guards in parkas, the guys who normally work the front desk at the plant, asked John to step behind the tape. John claims that here he told the guards that he could not speak English and when that failed to persuade them, he fa...ked a violent seizure. I am unclear as to the purpose of this part of his plan. John flung himself down and began rolling around in the snow, thrashing his limbs about and screaming “EL SEIZURE!!! NO ES BUENO!!!” in a Mexican accent.
    -- David Wong

    #Two #Elderly #Snow

  • And watch out for Molly. See if she does anything unusual. There’s something I don’t trust about the way she exploded and then came back from the dead like that.
    -- David Wong

    #Doe #Watches #Way

  • Guys like him, the ones who grip the Bible so tight they leave fingernail grooves, they're the ones who are the most scared of their dark side. Always going too far the other way, fighting for the Lord, often just because it gives them an excuse to fight.
    -- David Wong

    #Fighting #Dark #Giving

  • The bathroom door burst open, and Molly came trotting out. The left half of her body had been shaved almost down to the skin. The right half was as shaggy as before. John emerged after her, brushing a layer of dog hair off his clothes. John said, "Well, that's done... It was Molly's idea. She wants to look like two different dogs when she's coming and going. She thinks it will make it easier for her to steal food... That's one complicated dog, Dave. Have you started on the bomb?
    -- David Wong

    #Dog #Thinking #Two

  • The man walked past me and stopped, observing the blood running down my neck. "Your injury. Let us tend to it." He looked out through the open doorway and silently gestured to someone out there. "Our world," he said, "is far more advanced than yours. For reasons you'll understand shortly." A thin, bony, naked woman entered the room, carrying two small, white kittens. She sat one of the fluffy cats in my lap and stuffed the other down my shirt. She turned and left. "There," said the large man. "The kittens will make your sad go away.
    -- David Wong

    #Running #Cat #Men

  • And, well, that's my story," I said. "I'm sorry that it's so, you know. Retarded.
    -- David Wong

    #Sorry #Stories #Retarded

  • They came looking for dark and terrible revelations and instead found out something even more dark and terrible: that their lives were trite and boring.
    -- David Wong

    #Dark #Boring #Revelations

  • Solving the following riddle will reveal the awful secret behind the universe, assuming you do not go utterly mad in the attempt. If you already happen to know the awful secret behind the universe, feel free to skip ahead.
    -- David Wong

    #Mad #Secret #Awful

  • I had seen that look before, on the faces of tourists visiting the Texas Book Depository in Dallas where Lee Harvey Oswald took the shots at JFK. I took that tour and met some conspiracy buffs, all of us standing at the gunman’s window and looking down to the spot where the motorcade passed. It’s right there below the window, an easy shot at a slow-moving car. No mystery, just a kid and a rifle and a tragedy. They came looking for dark and terrible revelations and instead found out something even more dark and terrible: that their lives were trite and boring.
    -- David Wong

    #Moving #Book #Kids

  • When a man plans, a woman laughs.
    -- David Wong

    #Men #Laughing #Plans

  • I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger kill a man in a movie by grabbing his head and twisting it until the neck broke. Was that difficult? Could a man do it without a lot of practice?
    -- David Wong

    #Men #Practice #Saws

  • You see, Frank found out the hard way that the dark things lurking in the night don’t haunt old houses or abandoned ships. They haunt minds.
    -- David Wong

    #Dark #Night #House

  • There is no word in the English language for the feeling someone gets when they suddenly realize they're standing next to an unholy monster impersonating a human. Monstralization, maybe?
    -- David Wong

    #Feelings #Monsters #Next

  • She sat one of the fluffy cats in my lap and stuffed the other down my shirt. She turned and left. 'There,' said the large man. 'The kittens will make your sad go away.
    -- David Wong

    #Cat #Men #Going Away

  • The situation has a real Lovecraft feel to it. Though, you know, if you come over it'll be more of an Anne Rice situation. If you know what I mean." "Who's-" "Because you're gay.
    -- David Wong

    #Real #Mean #Gay

  • You know if you walked around the world, your hat would travel thirty-one feet farther than your shoes?
    -- David Wong

    #Shoes #Feet #World