Melvin Helitzer Quotes:

Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

Topics: Sweet, Thoughtful, Tomorrow

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm, talent, and wit. Unfortunately, he couldn't be here tonight, so instead . . .

source: - Melvin Helitzer (1992). “Comedy Writing Secrets”, Writers Digest Books

Topics: Men, Tonight, Talent

I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.

Topics: Husband, Night, Interesting, Wedding Night, Cindy

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today, but you will be a great deal older.

source: - Melvin Helitzer (1992). “The Dream Job: Sports Publicity, Promotion, and Public Relations”, Univ Sports Press

Topics: May, Today, Guarantees

If the audience knows what's behind the door and the actor does not, that's comedy. If both the audience and the actor do not know, that's mystery!

Topics: Doors, Actors, Doe

A famous actor, Edmund Kean, on his deathbed, was reported to have said, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

source: - Melvin Helitzer (1992). “Comedy Writing Secrets”, Writers Digest Books

Topics: Dying, Actors, Comedy, Deathbed, Famous Actor

I have a serious investment problem. I have no money.

source: - Melvin Helitzer (1992). “Comedy Writing Secrets”, Writers Digest Books

Topics: Serious, Problem, Investment