Christopher Titus quotes

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
-- Christopher Titus

#Philosophy #Smell #Rose

Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
-- Christopher Titus

#Philosophy #Passion #Heart

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce…because that's what a soul weighs.
-- Christopher Titus

#Divorce #Soul #Pounds

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
-- Christopher Titus

#Leader #Crowds #Causes

Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
-- Christopher Titus

#Practice #Abortion #Devil

I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.
-- Christopher Titus

#Guy #Bars #Bucks

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
-- Christopher Titus

#Limits #Patriot #Speed

And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
-- Christopher Titus

#Who I Am #Arrogant #Sprinkles

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.
-- Christopher Titus

#Succeed #Failing #Findings

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.
-- Christopher Titus

#Normal #Deranged

You know what, man? I am going to literally — if (Palin) gets elected president, I am going to hang out on the grassy knoll all the time, just loaded and ready — because you know what? It’s for my country. It’s for my country. If I got to sacrifice myself, it’s for my country.
-- Christopher Titus

#Country #Sacrifice #Men

My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
-- Christopher Titus

#Couple #Father #Party

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
-- Christopher Titus

#Philosophy #Pissed Off #Remember

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
-- Christopher Titus

#Baseball #Philosophy #Tree

God bless America. But God, please help Canada.
-- Christopher Titus

#Philosophy #America #Canada

If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.
-- Christopher Titus

#Philosophy #Racing #Firsts

No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
-- Christopher Titus

#Philosophy #Problem #Bigs

Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
-- Christopher Titus

#Revenge #Philosophy #Hippie

Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.
-- Christopher Titus

#Philosophy #War #Fighting

The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."
-- Christopher Titus

#Philosophy #Government #Turkeys

We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.
-- Christopher Titus

#Philosophy #World #Cold

Born free. Taxed to death.
-- Christopher Titus

#Philosophy #Born #Born Free