David Cross quotes

  • Back when the Bible was written, then edited, then rewritten, then rewritten, then re-edited, then translated from dead languages, then re-translated, then edited, then rewritten, then given to kings for them to take their favorite parts, then rewritten, then re-rewritten, then translated again, then given to the pope for him to approve, then rewritten, then edited again, the re-re-re-re-rewritten again...all based on stories that were told orally 30 to 90 years AFTER they happened.. to people who didnt know how to write... so...
    -- David Cross

    #Kings #Writing #Years

  • A verbose, prosaic review which mentions whistling winds and the timeless feeling of jade doesn't mean anything to me; I don't need a novella telling me about how an album is like a fine meal.
    -- David Cross

    #Mean #Wind #Feelings

  • I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative
    -- David Cross

    #Thinking #Pot #Embarrassing

  • There's quite an overlap between musicians - especially drummers - who have an affection and a proclivity towards comedy and comedians who fantasize about being in a band. And a lot of comics play instruments.
    -- David Cross

    #Play #Comedian #Musician

  • Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.
    -- David Cross

    #Character #Different #Exit

  • I'm going to keep talking about what I think is interesting for my entire career. If you want to hear about how women do a lot of shoe shopping or how being married sucks, go see the guy who does jokes about that. But if you come to see my live show, there's going to be 20 minutes on religion for the rest of my life, probably. If that makes me a caricature, so be it.
    -- David Cross

    #Thinking #Careers #Shoes

  • I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry.
    -- David Cross

    #Thinking #People #Entertainment

  • It's a lot of anti-gay, racist humor—which people like in America—all couched in 'I'm telling it like it is.' He's in the right place at the right time for that gee-shucks, proud-to-be-a-redneck, I'm-just-a-straight-shooter-multimillionaire-in-cutoff-flannel-selling-ring-tones act. That's where we are as a nation now. We're in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride.
    -- David Cross

    #Pride #Gay #Redneck

  • I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.
    -- David Cross

  • I'm pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I'm on the above-average side of happy people.
    -- David Cross

    #Average #People #Sides

  • Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.
    -- David Cross

    #Thinking #Individual

  • The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.
    -- David Cross

    #Skeletons

  • You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.
    -- David Cross

    #War #Winning #Terrorism

  • Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.
    -- David Cross

    #Talking #Cnn #Long

  • There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.
    -- David Cross

    #Country #Views #Numbers

  • We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.
    -- David Cross

    #Winning #Firsts #Bumper Sticker

  • I have no hesitation doing children's movies. Zero. And I don't even have kids.
    -- David Cross

    #Zero #Children #Kids

  • I think I'd be a really good dad. So perhaps I'm doing society a disservice by not having as many kids as possible.
    -- David Cross

    #Dad #Kids #Thinking

  • Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.
    -- David Cross

    #People #Support #Troops

  • I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.
    -- David Cross

    #People #Giving #Band

  • I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.
    -- David Cross

    #Writing #Thinking #Ideas

  • Ive got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City.
    -- David Cross

    #New York #Cities #Lots Of Friends

  • I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.
    -- David Cross

    #Hate #Bumper Sticker #Paint

  • I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.
    -- David Cross

    #Years #Would Be #Nine

  • I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best.
    -- David Cross

    #Thinking #People #Want

  • I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.
    -- David Cross

    #New York #Believe #People

  • I was born Jewish, but I am an atheist. I dont believe in God.
    -- David Cross

    #Atheist #Believe #Believe In God

  • I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.
    -- David Cross

    #Fun #Reality #Years

  • My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.
    -- David Cross

    #Reality #Information #Problem

  • What happened to our friendship? I really think it's our obligation as friends to be brutally honest and be frank with them and say, 'Look, I'm sorry, but your baby is fking boring.'
    -- David Cross

    #Baby #Sorry #Thinking

  • You can't just yell jokes at people.
    -- David Cross

    #People #Jokes

  • There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.
    -- David Cross

    #Funny #Writing #Alternatives