Funny Quotes:

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

topic: Funny, Philosophical, Interesting, Philosophical Questions, Boners

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

topic: Funny, Two, Next

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

topic: Funny, Ideas, Two

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'

topic: Funny, Differences, Drunk, Time Difference

- Adam Ferrara

topic: Funny, Men, Special

'Come out' is so funny to me because I've never been in.

- Adam Lambert

topic: Funny

I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile.

- Adam Sandler

topic: Funny, Jail, Want, Fragile

He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die?

- Adam Sandler

topic: Funny, Years, Comedy, Big Daddy

Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.

- Adam Smith

topic: Funny, Dog, Men, Wounded Animal, Wealth Of Nations

Ignorance of the law excuses no man from practicing it.

- Addison Mizner

source: Table-Talk "Law" (1689) See Proverbs 153

topic: Funny, Ignorance, Men, Practicing Law, Funny Lawyer

God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends.

- Addison Mizner

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Thanksgiving

I have insecurities of course, but I don't hang out with anyone who points them out to me.

- Adele

source: "Adele Talks Body Image Pride, Pre-Show Sickness In Vogue UK". Vogue Interview, www.huffingtonpost.com. September 6, 2011.

topic: Funny, Hater, Bullying, Jealous Hater, Being Insecure

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

- Adi Da

topic: Funny, Money, Humorous

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.

- Adlai E. Stevenson

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Motivational, Funny Leadership, Leaders Motivational

Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction.

- Adlai E. Stevenson

topic: Funny, Journalism, Virtue, Newspapers Journalism

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

- Agatha Christie

source: Attributed in Bennett Cerf, The Life of the Party (1956)

topic: Love, Funny, Birthday, Husband To Be, Marriage Humor

Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.

- Agnes Repplier

topic: Funny, Patience, Humor

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.

- Agnes Repplier

topic: Funny, Women, Humor, Humor Laughter, False Gods

The impulse to travel is one of the hopeful symptoms of life.

- Agnes Repplier

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Travel, Travel Abroad, Travel And Love

I invented the internet

- Al Gore

topic: Funny, Internet

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

- Al Gore

topic: Funny, Witty, Regret, Really Stupid, Latin America

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

- Al Gore

topic: Funny, People, Political, Polling, Voter Turnout

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

- Al McGuire

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Humorous, Helmet, Black Humor

On how to make the game more exciting - Eliminate the referees, raise the basket four feet, double the size of the basketball, limit the height of the players to 5 feet 9 inches, bring back the centre jump, allow taxi drivers in for free and allow the players to carry guns.

- Al McGuire

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Basketball, Funny Basketball

People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?'

- Al Yankovic

source: "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Thinking, People

It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.

- Alan Alda

topic: Funny, Happiness, Money, Money And Happiness, Money Happiness

Had your forefathers, Wigglesworth, been as stupid as you are, the human race would never have succeeded in procreating itself.

- Alan Bennett

topic: Funny, Stupid, Race

I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I'd gone to Africa I would have got poached.

- Alan Carr

topic: Funny, Teeth, Gone, Braces

What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!

- Alan Carr

topic: Funny, Gay, Piano

When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.

- Alan Carr

topic: Funny, Girl, Sports, Hula, Fat Kid

If a student takes the whole series of my folklore courses including the graduate seminars, he or she should learn something about fieldwork, something about bibliography, something about how to carry out library research, and something about how to publish that research.

- Alan Dundes

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Graduation, Library Research, Folklore

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- Alan Dundes

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Christmas, Stupid Jokes, Being Sarcastic

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

- Alan King

topic: Funny, Marriage, Witty

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.

- Alan Minter

topic: Funny, Boxing, Dumb, Stupid Sports, Funny Sports

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

- Alanis Morissette

topic: Love, Funny, Sarcastic

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

- Albert Camus

source: Albert Camus (1965). “Notebooks, 1942-1951”

topic: Funny, Positivity, Bad Ass, Sisyphus, Normality

It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.

- Albert Camus

topic: Funny, Spiritual, Witty, Spending Other People's Money, Snobbery

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Leadership, Lack Of Common Sense, Quantum Mechanics

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Education, Not Stupid, Infinite Intelligence

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.

topic: Funny, Girl, Witty, Math Is Like, Nice Girl

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Wise, Solved Problems, Stupidity And Intelligence

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Educational, Inspirational Educational, Inspirational Learning

The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Truth, Gravitation, Lies Truth

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.

topic: Funny, Peace, Military, Solved Problems, Theoretical

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

topic: Funny, Motivational, Inspiring, Chasers, Libel

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.

source: "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

topic: Love, Funny, Life, Insanity And Genius, Stupidity And Ignorance

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

topic: Love, Inspirational, Funny, Spiritual Knowledge, Spiritual Truth

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Wisdom, Spacetime, Mathematical Logic

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Marriage, Some People Never Change, Marrying

- Albert Schweitzer

topic: Love, Funny, Music, Music Life, Inspirational Animal

You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.

- Aldous Huxley

topic: Funny, Bible, Truth, Inconvenient Truth, Jealousy And Insecurity

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

- Aldous Huxley

topic: Funny, World, Hell, Heaven And Hell, Funny And Witty

His lie ability is an asset

- Alec Sulkin

topic: Funny, Lying, Assets

Everything you add to the truth subtracts from the truth.

- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

topic: Funny, Truth, Add

When an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure.

- Alex Ferguson

source: Sir Alex Ferguson's 25 years at Manchester United - in quotes" by Benji Inwood, www.theguardian.com. November 4, 2011.

topic: Funny, Football, Italian

I tried it 100 or a million times it couldn't happen again. If I could, I would have carried on playing.

- Alex Ferguson

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Football

Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I'm not going to single him out.

- Alex Ferguson

topic: Funny, Football, Distance

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.

- Alex Haley

source: "A Touch of Class" by Carol Vanderheyden, (p. 60), 2003.

topic: Funny, Animal, Turtles, Fence Post

I am dying with the help of too many physicians.

- Alexander the Great

topic: Funny, Death, Health

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

- Alexander Woollcott

source: "The Knock at the Stage Door". Reader's Digest, December 1933.

topic: Funny, Food, Finding Happiness, Fattening, Illegal Things

Many of us spend half of our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing.

- Alexander Woollcott

topic: Funny, Time, Insperational, Wishing For Things, Funny Motivational

Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans.

- Alf Landon

topic: Funny, Country, Dumb

The true God, the mighty God, is the God of ideas.

- Alfred de Vigny

topic: Funny, Sarcastic, Ideas, Mighty God, True God

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.

topic: Funny, Witty, Smart

Puns are the highest form of literature.

topic: Funny, Sarcastic, Acting, Best Acting, Cattle

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

topic: Funny, Literature, Form

Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell.

topic: Funny, Death, Sarcastic, Antagonism

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

topic: Funny, Women, Heaven, Funny Strong Women, Funny Women

Seeing you lights up my day, to hear your voice makes me smile all cheesy, to see you smile makes my heart all warm and fuzzy, when you say I love you makes my body weak.

- Alice Gardner

topic: Funny, Love You, Heart, Say I Love You, Make Me Smile

Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.

- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

source: Alice Roosevelt Longworth, Michael Teague (1981). “Mrs. L.: conversations with Alice Roosevelt Longworth”, Doubleday Books

topic: Funny, Men, Hair, Armpits, Never Trust A Man

When the ax came into the forest the trees said the handle is one of us.

- Alice Walker

source: Alice Walker (1997). “Possessing the Secret of Joy”, p.15, Simon and Schuster

topic: Funny, Tree, Forests

I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness.

- Alicia Silverstone

source: "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Clueless, Thinking, Very Stupid, Stupidest

My boyfriend calls me 'princess', but I think of myself more along the lines of 'monkey' and 'retard'.

- Alicia Silverstone

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Cute, Boyfriend, Retard, Funny Boyfriend

I don't think about what other people expect or anything. I mean, I sit and worrying so much about what I'M thinking, I'd go NUTS if I sat around worrying about other people.

- Allan Holdsworth

topic: Funny, Inspiring, Mean

The whole city gives you the impression of impermanence. You have the feeling that one day someone is going to yell, "Cut! Strike it!" and then the stagehands will scurry out and remove the mountains, the movie-star homes, the Hollywood Bowl--everything.

- Allan Sherman

topic: Funny, Stars, Home

Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage.

- Allan Sherman

topic: Funny, New York, Divorce, Southern California

In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.

- Allan Sherman

source: Allan Sherman (1965). “A gift of laughter: the autobiography of Allan Sherman”

topic: Funny, Golf, Law, Chauffeurs, Golf Clubs

Not a game, not a game... practice.

- Allen Iverson

topic: Funny, Practice, Nba

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

- Alphonse de Lamartine

source: Letter to John Forster, 1850.

topic: Funny, Dog, People, Barking Dogs, Dog Lover

On the seemingly one-sided relationship between Michael Jordan and his shoe sponsors Nike- The company should change its name to Mike.

- Alvin Robertson

topic: Funny, Basketball, Nike, Funny Basketball

I know quickly whether a guy is boyfriend material. If I can have a good time doing absolutely nothing with him, then that's boyfriend material for me. Like if we're able to have fun at a gas station. I've had some really good times at gas stations.

- Alyson Hannigan

topic: Funny, Cute, Boyfriend

The funny thing is, the girls that I'm always up against for roles are pretty nice and cool, like Emma Watson. She's awesome.

- Amanda Seyfried

topic: Funny, Girl, Nice, Emma

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

topic: Funny, Peace, Military, Geography Teachers

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

topic: Funny, Anniversary, Romantic, Inspirational Marriage, Sweet Anniversary

The covers of this book are too far apart.

topic: Love, Funny, Marriage, Humorous Love, Humorous Valentine

Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

topic: Funny, Witty, Humorous, Book Covers, Writing A Book

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

topic: Funny, Money, Badass, Architecture And Design, Architecture Design

General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy.

topic: Funny, Jealousy, Sarcastic, Jealous And Envy, Jealousy And Envy

A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

topic: Funny, Military, Enemy, Display

That is a good book which is opened with expectation, and closed with delight and profit.

topic: Funny, Age, Nervous

- Amos Bronson Alcott

topic: Funny, Book, Reading, Inspiring Reading, Books And Reading

I think a lot of times we don't pay enough attention to people with a positive attitude because we assume they are naive or stupid or unschooled.

- Amy Adams

topic: Funny, Attitude, Stupid

Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.

- Amy Poehler

topic: Funny, Kids, Feet, Funny Face, Pedals

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

- Amy Schumer

topic: Funny, Kids, Different

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

- Amy Schumer

topic: Funny, Thinking, Comedy

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

- Amy Schumer

topic: Funny, Guy, Brunch

Everyone knows that a man can marry even if he reaches the age of 102, is penniless, and has all his facilities gone. There is always some woman willing to take a chance on him.

- Amy Vanderbilt

topic: Funny, Women, Age, Facility

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.

- Anais Nin

topic: Inspirational, Funny, New Year, Indian Happy New Year, Spiritual New Year

We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls.

- Anais Nin

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Travel, Soul Life, Journey Inspirational

I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.

- Andre Dawson

topic: Funny, Kids, Dumb, Funny Sports

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

- Andre Gide

topic: Funny, Life, Beautiful

Men know everything - all of them - all the time - no matter how stupid or inexperienced or arrogant or ignorant they are.

- Andrea Dworkin

source: Andrea Dworkin (2009). “Intercourse”, p.180, ReadHowYouWant.com

topic: Funny, Stupid, Men

We scored a season-high, yeah - albeit against a team that is somewhat tanking.

- Andrew Bogut

topic: Funny, Team, Nba

He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot. He that dare not is a slave.

- Andrew Carnegie

topic: Funny, Wisdom, Intelligence, Reason And Logic, Bigots

Life is the most exciting opportunity we have. But we have one shot. You graduate from college once, and that's it. You're going out of that nest. And you have to find that courage that's deep, deep, deep in there. Every step of the way.

- Andrew Shue

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Graduation, Memorable Graduation, Every Step

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

source: FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Feb 05, 2012

topic: Funny, Technology, People, Fake Friends, Choosing Friends

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

topic: Funny, Travel, Worry, Dashboards

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

topic: Funny, Travel, Thinking

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

topic: Funny, Technology, Hours

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

topic: Funny, Technology, People

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

topic: Funny, Cat, Technology

The Internet is for haters. Everyone wants to knock somebody down, but it's cool.

topic: Funny, Technology, Men

- Andy Cohen

topic: Funny, Hater, Want, Jealous Hater, My Haters

The Rolling Stones suffered a great loss with the death of Ian Stewart, the man who had for so many years played piano quietly and silently with them on stage.

- Andy Peebles

topic: Funny, Loss, Men, Great Loss

You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war [in Iraq]. They've got all these new toys and they want to know whether they work or not.

- Andy Rooney

topic: Funny, Military, War, New Toys

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

- Andy Rooney

topic: Funny, Golf, Watches

Aping what you've already done is just so dangerous and unrewarding.

- Andy Summers

topic: Funny, Inspiring, Done

I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs.

- Andy Warhol

topic: Funny, Dog, Art, Spreading Rumors, Commercial Art

When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships.

- Andy Warhol

topic: Funny, Witty, Caring

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

- Angie Dickinson

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Mother, Witty

Of course drugs were fun. And that's what's so stupid about anti-drug campaigns: they don't admit that. I can't say I feel particularly scarred or lessened by my experimentation with drugs. They've gotten a very bad name.

- Anjelica Huston

topic: Funny, Stupid, Names

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

- Ann Brashares

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Shoes, Miles Away

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

- Ann Landers

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Humorous, Party Invitations, Dinner Party

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

- Ann Landers

topic: Funny, Motivational, Hilarious

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

- Ann Landers

topic: Funny, Children, Talking

I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous.

- Anna Kournikova

topic: Funny, Beautiful, Sports, I Am Beautiful

The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.

- Anna Quindlen

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Solo Travel, Photography And Travel

I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony.

- Anne Lamott

topic: Funny, Reading, Voice, Stage Fright, Fright

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

topic: Funny, Friendship, Football, Watching Football, Bad Friend

Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

- Anne Tyler

source: Anne Tyler (1991). “Anne Tyler: a new collection : three complete novels”, Outlet

topic: Funny, Dog, Mean, I Love My Dog, Long Haul

Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out.

- Anne, Princess Royal

topic: Funny, Dog, Golf, Humorous Golf, Golfing

No one ever thought Clint Eastwood was funny, but he was.

- Annie Leibovitz

topic: Funny

We only need to wear shoes because the British built roads which hurt our feet.

- Anthony Burgess

topic: Funny, Hurt, Shoes

Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"

- Anthony Griffin

topic: Funny, Dog, Real

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

- Anthony Jeselnik

topic: Funny, Baby, Pain

I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze.

- Anthony Ward Clark

topic: Funny, Dog, Lazy People, Chihuahua

He who desires nothing, hopes for nothing, and is afraid of nothing, cannot be an artist.

- Anton Chekhov

topic: Funny, Sarcastic, Artist

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

- Anton Chekhov

source: Ivanov I

topic: Funny, Doctors, Law, Robbery, Black Humor

One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.

- Antonio Porchia

source: "Voices". Book by Antonio Porchia, 1943.

topic: Love, Inspirational, Funny, Remembrance Day

Situated in some nebulous distance I do what I do so that the universal balance of which I am a part may remain a balance.

- Antonio Porchia

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life

I am severely distracted these days. It's hard to sit in front of the computer, uploading bad music for hours, when you have a wonderful boyfriend who treats you like a Goddess.

- April Winchell

topic: Funny, Cute, Music, Bad Music, Cute Boyfriend

I'm at a very frustrating point in my career because I'm not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you're in movies or TV, you're rich. I'm not rich, but I'm far from broke. I'm what you call a 'thousandaire.'

- Aries Spears

topic: Funny, Careers, People

Ladies Commit, There's A Wedding In It For You.

- Aries Spears

topic: Funny, Comedy, Commit

There is no great genius without a mixture of madness.

- Aristotle

topic: Funny, Creativity, Ideas, Genius And Madness

Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.

- Aristotle

topic: Funny, Girlfriend, Purpose

You can find tea in a tea cup.. but cannot find world in a world cup.

- Arjuna Ranatunga

topic: Funny, Life, Tea

A cause may be inconvenient, but it's magnificent. It's like champagne or high heels, and one must be prepared to suffer for it.

- Arnold Bennett

topic: Funny, High Heels, Suffering

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

source: "Schwarzenegger elected governor, Oct. 7, 2003" by Andrew Glass, www.politico.com. October 7, 2009.

topic: Funny, Motivational Sports, Money, Money And Happiness, Money Doesn't Buy Happiness

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

topic: Funny, Witty, Humorous

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

topic: Funny, Success, Motivational Sports, Sweatshirts, Thyroid

Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet.

- Art Linkletter

topic: Funny, Children, Parenting, Emergency Room

If cocaine were helium, the NBA would float away.

- Art Rust, Jr.

topic: Funny, Basketball, Nba, Funny Basketball, Helium

Basketball has so much showboating you'd think it was invented by Jerome Kern.

- Art Spander

topic: Funny, Basketball, Thinking

He has only half learned the art of reading who has not added to it the more refined art of skipping and skimming.

- Arthur Balfour

topic: Funny, Art, Book, Skimming

I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

- Arthur C. Clarke

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Believe, Sagittarius

A dog reflects the family life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy one? Snarling people have snarling dogs, dangerous people have dangerous ones.

- Arthur Conan Doyle

source: Arthur Conan Doyle (2013). “The Complete Sherlock Holmes”, p.1117, Race Point Pub

topic: Funny, Dog, Animal, Snarling, Reflecting

The greatest luxury of riches is that they enable you to escape so much good advice.

- Arthur Helps

topic: Funny, Money, Luxury

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

- Arthur Schopenhauer

source: Arthur Schopenhauer (2016). “101 Facts of life”, p.12, Publishdrive

topic: Funny, Writing, Humor, Fools And Foolishness

To buy books would be a good thing if we also could buy the time to read them.

- Arthur Schopenhauer

topic: Funny, Book, Reading

Journalists are like dogs, when ever anything moves they begin to bark.

- Arthur Schopenhauer

topic: Funny, Dog, Moving

Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.

- Arthur Smith

source: "Culture" by Arthur Smith, www.theguardian.com. October 17, 2001.

topic: Funny, Laughter, Eight, Funny Stuff, Ninety Eight

My life has a superb cast, but I cannot figure out the plot.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Superb

I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

topic: Funny, Life, Hilarious

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

topic: Funny, Success, Women, Inspirational Stress, Stress Management

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Humorous