Alan King quotes

  • Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
    -- Alan King

    #Marriage #Fighting #Way

  • Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
    -- Alan King

    #Worry #Faces #Enough

  • When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
    -- Alan King

    #Father #Firsts #Oppression

  • I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.
    -- Alan King

    #Armor #Suits

  • I was a high school throw-out.
    -- Alan King

    #School #High School

  • I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
    -- Alan King

    #Thinking #Comedy #Bigs

  • I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.
    -- Alan King

    #Practice #Carnegie #Made

  • I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
    -- Alan King

    #Mother #Kitchen #Rooms

  • I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
    -- Alan King

    #Bird #Mind #Special

  • Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.
    -- Alan King

    #Mother #Balls #Fluffy

  • My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn't know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
    -- Alan King

    #Mother #Giving #House

  • My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.
    -- Alan King

    #Son #Stories #My Son

  • One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'
    -- Alan King

    #Dinner #Life Is #Restaurants

  • The ability to absorb a book and make someone else's words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
    -- Alan King

    #Book #Stories #Stage

  • The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
    -- Alan King

    #Running #Trying #World

  • Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
    -- Alan King

    #Fun #Reflection #Mirrors

  • I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
    -- Alan King

    #Fun #Hate #Years

  • Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.
    -- Alan King

    #Party #Looks #Vaudeville

  • That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.
    -- Alan King

    #New Year #Father #Kids

  • My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'
    -- Alan King

    #Father #Said

  • My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
    -- Alan King

    #Brother #Cutting #College

  • Modesty is not one of my virtues.
    -- Alan King

    #Modesty #Virtue

  • Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
    -- Alan King

    #Firsts #Tvs #Program

  • As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.
    -- Alan King

    #Father #Parent

  • And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
    -- Alan King

    #Fun #Want #Weapons

  • A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
    -- Alan King

    #Holiday #Summary

  • If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
    -- Alan King

    #Love #Inspirational #Marriage

  • I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.
    -- Alan King

    #Giving #Joy #Unhappy

  • When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.
    -- Alan King

    #Running #Morning #Apples

  • It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.
    -- Alan King

    #Father #Comeback #Being A Father

  • Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
    -- Alan King

    #Funny #Marriage #Witty

  • If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
    -- Alan King

    #Thinking #Expenses