100+ George Carlin Quotes | InspiringQuotes.us

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Topics: Media, Different, Politician

quote think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than george carlin Quotes

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect.

Topics: Thinking, Ideas, Limits

Quotation George Carlin Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups Quotes

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Topics: Nature, Philosophy, Stupid, Never Underestimate, Stupid Life

Quotation George Carlin In America anyone can become president That s the problem Quotes

One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.

Topics: Focus, Personality, World

Quotation George Carlin Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you Quotes

Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don't. Everything is done to you in this country.

source: - Source: shanemacgowan.com

Topics: Country, Party, Exercise, Wasting My Time

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Topics: Funny, Life, Witty, Stupid Person, Average Person

Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it's shocking for them.

Topics: Wall, Patriotic, People, Standpoint

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Topics: Cynical, Idealist, Disappointed, Relatable

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.

source: - "Stand-up comic - Interview". The Progressive Vol. 65 Nbr., July 7, 2001.

Topics: Mind, Would Be, Tools

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Topics: Inspirational, Life, Music, Song And Dance, Inspirational Dance

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.

Topics: School, Independent, Thinking, Catholic School

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.

Topics: Self, Choices, Decision

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Driving Fast, Car Driving

I think religion is very anti-man. I think it's a terrible distortion and exploitation of a very natural urge every human has - to be rejoined with the one somehow, to become a part of the universe. Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.

Topics: Men, Thinking, Natural

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

Topics: Fitness, America, Soul, Craze

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. You see the brands - Nike, Puma, Coke - all over their bodies. Pretty soon you'll go to a family and say, "$100,000 if we can tattoo Pepsi on your child's forehead, and we'll have it removed when he's twenty-one. A hundred grand."

Topics: Tattoo, Nike, Children, Branded

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

Topics: Fun, Over You, Trying, Trying To Be Happy

An entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself. An artist is on a journey: they don't know where they're going, what is going to happen, but they know they are not there yet, and there is some continuity and growth. I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.

Topics: Artist, Journey, Thinking

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

Topics: Stupid, People, Theft

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.

Topics: Smart, Ideas, Foundation

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

Topics: Country, Believe, Matter

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Topics: Earthquakes, Would Be, Stores

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Topics: Sarcastic, Laughter, Smart, Sunny Weather, Forecasting

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

Topics: Humorous, Terrorist, Murderer, Israeli, Commandos

What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this."

Topics: Art, Believe, Kids

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

Topics: Games, Play, Church, Admission

Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.

Topics: Nice, Moving, Mean

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Topics: Giving, Political, Too Much

It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.

Topics: Entertainment, Fingers Crossed, Fingers

Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking

Topics: Eye, Looks, Genuine

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.

Topics: Thinking, People, Fiber, Moral Fiber

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Topics: Glasses, People, Optimism, Glass Half Full, Half Empty

I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist.

Topics: Thinking, Realist, Cynic

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Topics: Funny, Hilarious, Witty

That's basically what the drive is: "I want to be famous, I want to be noticed, and I want to be approved of." That's basically what you're after. "Give me attention, give me applause, give me an audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's all you're looking for.

Topics: Giving, Attention, Want

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Dream, Living The American Dream

If you dropped me off a space platform onto the ground where a line was drawn, I would fall to the left side of it. I believe the difference between right and left is that the right, for the most part, the bulk of their philosophy is interested in property, and the rights of people to own property and gain and acquire and keep property. And I think on the left - though they blend and mix - on the left primarily you will find people who are more concerned about humans, and the human condition, and what can be done.

Topics: Philosophy, Believe, Fall

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.

Topics: World, Comedy, Upside Down, World Upside Down

You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.

Topics: Gun, Boys, Forever, Golden Boy

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.

Topics: Atheist, Ku Klux Klan, Doubt, Foxholes

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Mean Girls

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

Topics: Running, Smart, Thinking, City Hall, Critical Thinking

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Topics: Life, Money, Love You, Need Money, Special Places

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Topics: Perspective, Perception, Littles, Sleet

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Topics: Funny, Wedding, Truth, Crazy Man, Stupid Men

What year did Jesus think it was?

Topics: Funny, Jesus, Humor

Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear.

Topics: Children, Taught, Should

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Topics: Atheist, Stupid People, Organization

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Life

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They've long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear.

Topics: Running, Smart, Thinking

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Topics: Christmas, Girl, Cheesy, Memorable Christmas, Merry Christmas Greeting Card

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

Topics: Humorous, Disease, Impossible

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.

Topics: Yellow, Flags, Ribbons

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Topics: Musician, Lawyer, Clergymen, Electrician

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

Topics: Beautiful, Song, Nature, Asphalt, Water Pollution

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Topics: Love, Funny, Cute Relationship, Funny Men And Women, Funny Women

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Topics: Funny, Life, Witty, Funny Comedian

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

Topics: Friday, Rain, Night, Friday Night

It's never just a game when you're winning.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

When in comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.

Topics: Atheist, Bullshit, League

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.

Topics: Atheist, Practice, Circumcision

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Topics: Stupid, Fall, People

Hooray for most things!

Topics: Stupid, Stupid People, People

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

Topics: Stupid, Thinking, People, Sammy Davis

Everything beeps now.

Topics: Technology

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

Topics: Funny, Dog, Nice, Nice Life

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Laugh Often

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

Topics: Stupid, Stupid People, Past

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduces our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.

Topics: Life, Hate, Tired

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

Topics: Sarcasm, Fire, If You Love Someone, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Free Yourself

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Topics: Dream, Time, Bad Day, Cute Dream

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Topics: Funny, Success, Witty

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Is there another word for synonym?

Topics: Inspirational, Life, Synonym

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

Topics: Funny, Sexy, Arms

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Topics: Inspirational, Family, Children, Nice Family

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Topics: Philosophy, Stupid People, Average, Life Expectancy, Expectancy

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Topics: Chocolate, Feelings, Bars, Candy Bar, Chocolate Bars

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Atheist, Organized Religion, Humorists

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Lightning Bolts, Electric Light

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

Topics: Funny, Life, People

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Topics: Humor, Stupid People, Thinking, Sleet

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

Topics: Light, Darkness, Cursing

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you.

Topics: Hurt, Giving Up, Drinking

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Topics: Time, Jobs, Philosophy

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty, Voodoo, Testicles

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Topics: Wonder, Impatient, Genuine

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

Topics: Wine, Funny Wine, Captains, Crunch

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

Topics: Stupid, Hero, People, Unsung Hero

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Topics: Peace, Freedom, Fighting, Dump, Fire Fighter

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!

Topics: Country, Party, Two, Bagels, Things That Matter

Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me.

Topics: Thinking, Rights, Two

Religion is just mind control.

Topics: Funny, Comedian, Mind, Mind Control

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

Topics: Believe, Government, Firsts

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

Topics: Home, Gun, People, Seat Belts

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty, Monarch Butterfly, Caterpillars

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Topics: Doctors, Comedy, Building

There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.

Topics: Two, People, Environment

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

Topics: Possession, Values

The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it

Topics: Secret, Wells, Something You Love

I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'

Topics: Believe, Government, Firsts, Rules To Live By

It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when 'reasoning' human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good!

source: - Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

Topics: Cancer, Thinking, Media, Skin Cancer, Sunscreen

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty, There Is No I In Team

One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.

Topics: Philosophy, Thinking, Self, Political Philosophy, Fray

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

Topics: Humorous, Stupid People, Catholic, Age Of Reason

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Topics: Funny, Air, Black, Pilots And Flying, Airplane Crashes

The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

Topics: Sweet, Coffee, Light, Soy, Cappuccino

Life is a series of dogs.

Topics: Dog, Life Is

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Topics: Funny Life, Tomorrow, Thirds

Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.

Topics: Music, Thinking, Jam, Session

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

Topics: Inspirational, Humor, Thinking, Half Empty

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Topics: Inspirational, Life, Sitting, Dumb Questions

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

Topics: Health, Helping, Cherish, Staying Young

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

Topics: Change, Dollars, Machines, Lending Money

One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.

Topics: August, Hours, Fine, Dandy

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

Topics: Christian, Stupid People, Thinking

Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away

Topics: Inspirational, Life, Birthday

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

Topics: Selfish, Leader, Ignorant

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

Topics: Funny, Travel, Next, Tripping, Funny Journey

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Topics: Fun, Sleep, Years, National Parks

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

Topics: Stupid, Stupid People, People

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

Topics: Experts, Fool, Painting

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Topics: Baseball, Team, Stupid, Major League Baseball, Baseball Team

"No comment" is a comment.

Topics: Stupid, Stupid People, People

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Topics: Humorous, Challenges, Sides

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Topics: Ambition, Stupid People, Guy, Transsexuals

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

Topics: Stupid, Doors, People, Pinball

All music is the blues. All of it.

Topics: Music Is

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

Topics: Stupid, People, Uniforms

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Life

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

Topics: Comedy, Genuine

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Topics: Funny, Two, Pennies, Two Cents

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Topics: Bullying, Philosophy, Thinking, Desperate Situations, Being Bullied

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Topics: Funny, Philosophy, Stupid People, Only In America, Funny 4th Of July

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty, Organized Religion

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Topics: Funny, Money, Work, Makin Money, Downsizing

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Topics: Atheist, Ideas, Two, Certain Death, Religion And Government

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Truth, Fidgeting

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Topics: Needs, Ovation, Corny, Commonplace

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Thinking, Cramming, Final Exams

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty, Dead Soldiers, Sanctity Of Life

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Topics: Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic, Self Help, Bookshops

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Topics: Funny, Marriage, Sarcastic, Learning English, Funny Wedding

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty, Best Wishes

Life is a near-death experience.

Topics: Funny Life, Life Is, Near Death, Near Death Experience

Jesus was a cross-dresser.

Topics: Jesus, Crosses, Genuine, Dressers

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Topics: Future, Past, Entrepreneur, Present Future, Recent Past

The status quo sucks.

Topics: Life, Comedy, Status Quo

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Topics: Philosophy, Clouds, Eight, Cloud Nine

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same ***** your father was."; "Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one."; "If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach."; "Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman."

Topics: Father, Drinking, Kissing, Pork Chops, Warning Labels

Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?

Topics: Giving, Should, Illegal

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick

Topics: Christian, Sticks, Worship

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Topics: Truth, Stupid People, Tools, Concealing

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Topics: Funny, Halloween, Moon, Inspirational Halloween, Spooky Halloween

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Topics: Two, Guy, Religion, Greatest Atheist, Two Religions

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Topics: Night, Light, Lamps, Urgent, Electric Light

Meowâ€ means â€œwoofâ€ in cat.

Topics: Inspirational, Dog, Mean

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty, Funny Sarcastic, Black Humor

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Topics: Life, People, Missing, Pork Chops

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Topics: Morning, Dark, Stupid People

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Topics: Funny, Laughter, Afterlife, Roof Over Your Head, Frisbee

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Topics: Humor, Beer, Men, Stupid Funny, Wise Chinese

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

Topics: Humorous, People, Homeless, Homeless People

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

Topics: Smile, Rain, Faces, Keep Smiling, Funny Smile

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.

Topics: Country, Believe, Men

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Topics: Mean, Addiction, Monkeys

Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? You know why? Because there's no money in that problem. No money to be made off of the homeless. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick!

Topics: Cancer, War, America, Public Discourse, Always Smile

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Topics: Taken, Doe, Cheese, Picture Taken

Surround yourself with what you love.

Topics: Surround Yourself, Surround, Keepsakes, Staying Young, Family Pets

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

Topics: Heart, Two, Burning

A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street.

Topics: Sleep, Heart, Long, Nonsensical, Dental Floss

So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.

Topics: Airports, Goofy, Innocence

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Topics: Ideas, Trouble

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Witty, Funniest Inspirational

Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o'clock news.

Topics: Valentine, Thinking, Order, Cathartic, Repressed

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."

Topics: Pain, Humorous, Ass, Fussy, Euphemism

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Peace, Fighting On, Foxholes

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Topics: Funny, Life, Reality, Sweating, Petty

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Topics: Inspirational, Life, What If

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Topics: Stupid People, Meaning Of Life, Changed

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

Topics: Names, Cake, Hot, Flapjacks

The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything.

Topics: School, Ideas, Giving, Freedom Of Choice

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.

Topics: Food, American Food

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Topics: Stupid, America, People

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National

Topics: Stupid, People, Messages

One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

Topics: Stupid, People, Sometimes

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Topics: Fun, Pigs, Voice, Disgruntled

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same ***** your father was.

Topics: Father, Thinking, Alcohol

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

Topics: Horse, Kids, Animal, Western Movie

But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.

source: - Source: logger.believermag.com

Topics: Positivity, Ideas, Laughing, Zen Like

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.

Topics: Real, Roots, Views

So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one: "Civil War." Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me?" (shoots gun) "I'm awfully sorry. Awfully sorry."

Topics: Country, Sorry, Philosophy

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

Topics: Sports, Stupid, Swimming

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

Topics: Atheist, Thinking, Drug, Thinking Mind

We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.

Topics: Yoga, Thinking, Years

George Carlin Quotes:

famous quotes

Related Authors

Alan King

Alex Winter

Alvin Francis Poussaint

Andrew Dice Clay

Andy Kaufman

Arj Barker

Bill Burr

Bill Cosby

Bill Dana

Bill Hicks

Bill Maher

Bob Newhart

Brad Stine

Brian Regan

Bruce Baum

Carrot Top

Charley Reese

Chris Rock

Dane Cook

Dave Attell

Dave Chappelle

David Brenner

Dick Gregory

Doug Stanhope

Dylan Moran

Eddie Izzard

Elayne Boosler

Emo Philips

Flip Wilson

Henny Youngman

Ian Shoales

Irwin Corey

Jack Paar

Jacque Fresco

Janis Ian

Jeff Foxworthy

Jim Breuer

Jim Fixx

Jim Jefferies

Jimmy Carr

John Gregory Brown

Johnny Carson

Judy Tenuta

Larry the Cable Guy

Larry Wilde

Lenny Bruce

Lewis Black

Lilla Watson

Lord Buckley

Louis C. K.

Mario Joyner

Merv Griffin

Mitch Hedberg

Moms Mabley

Mort Sahl

Paul Mooney

Paul Reiser

Paula Poundstone

Peter Joseph

Ralphie May

Redd Foxx

Richard Jeni

Richard Pryor

Rick Reynolds

Ringo Starr

Rita Rudner

Rodney Carrington

Rodney Dangerfield

Ron White

Russell Peters

Sam Kinison

Shaun Micallef

Shelley Berman

Steve Hofstetter

Steve Martin

Steven Wright

Susan Powter