Mitch Hedberg quotes

  • I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Fun #Glasses #Mad

  • I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You're like, "I hope he's happy again."
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #People #Ends #Happy Again

  • My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Leadership #Sarcastic

  • You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Nice #Thinking #May

  • Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Food #Cheesy #Cheese

  • Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Jobs #Couple #Hands

  • I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Military #Army #Hands

  • I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Couple #Comedian #Firsts

  • Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Really Cool

  • I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Mean #People #Mad

  • A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Witty #Laughter

  • I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Way #Saws #Comedy

  • I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Crazy #Science

  • I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Fall #Home #Two

  • Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Food #Two

  • I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Witty #Clever

  • An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Sorry #Order

  • I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Gum #Flavor #Sticks

  • I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Girl #Mad #Get Real

  • A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Feet #Stockings #Ultimate

  • I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Long #Would Be

  • The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Depressing #Wall #Tennis

  • If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Kids #Kitchen #Comedy

  • I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Lasts #Comedy #Jokes

  • I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Girlfriend #Dating

  • This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Witty #Dirty

  • Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Alcohol #Disease #Alcoholism

  • I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Soccer #Thinking #Comedy

  • I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Thanksgiving #Being Yourself #Fun

  • Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Dog #Forever

  • Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Clouds #Comedy

  • I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Hot #Comedy #Remember

  • I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Wine #Waiting #Saws

  • My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Doe #Actresses #Comedy

  • On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Mean #Opposites #Yellow

  • A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Sleep #Burritos #Beef

  • If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Drunk #Would Be #Rabbits

  • I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Sex #Needs #Comedy

  • I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Life #Witty

  • People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Dog #People

  • I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Drug #Comedy #Used

  • Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Fashion #Fighting #Thinking

  • It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky...
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Song #Hey #Wallets

  • I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Witty #Silly

  • Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Rip #Missing #Cheese

  • At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Real #Numbers #Phones

  • I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Good Morning #Night #Ice

  • Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Food #Waffles #Pancakes

  • I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Hilarious #Witty

  • I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Phones #Cells #Want

  • I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Ducks #Bread #Opinion

  • Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Predicaments #Lost #Wells

  • I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Life #Dream

  • I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #People #Four #Wheels

  • That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Would Be #Onions #Onion Rings

  • I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Impossible

  • You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Sea #Fishing #Rivers

  • Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Fancy #Bread #Steps

  • Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Children #Book #Kids

  • I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Men #Car #Way

  • My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Food #Frozen #Want

  • I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Funny #Caring #Sick

  • Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Night #People #Lasts

  • I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Giving Up #Inspire

  • I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Forever #Done #Want

  • Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Sorry #Stairs #Convenience

  • An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Break #Stairs

  • Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Sugar

  • Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Break #Wells

  • Come on 'long prosperous life!'
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Long #Prosperous

  • I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Men #Race #Circles

  • I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Thinking #Water #Mouths

  • I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Fall #Snacks #Machines

  • We don't have to fix anything.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

  • Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Two #Ducks #Giving

  • Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, 'Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.'
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Night #Airports #Guy

  • I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Opportunity #Rivers #Car

  • Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Cutting #Thinking #People

  • Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Two #Tuesday #Special

  • Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Hell #Yeah #Meetings

  • If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Time #Way #Dollars

  • I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Girlfriend #Tents #Argument

  • Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
    -- Mitch Hedberg

    #Eye #People #Bologna