Mitch Hedberg Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

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“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Fun #Glasses #Mad
“I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You're like, "I hope he's happy again."”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#People #Ends #Happy Again
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Funny #Leadership #Sarcastic
“You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Nice #Thinking #May
“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Food #Cheesy #Cheese
“Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Jobs #Couple #Hands
“I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Military #Army #Hands
“I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Couple #Comedian #Firsts
“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Really Cool
“I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Mean #People #Mad
“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Funny #Witty #Laughter
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Way #Saws #Comedy
“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Funny #Crazy #Science
“I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Fall #Home #Two
“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Funny #Food #Two
“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Funny #Witty #Clever
“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Funny #Sorry #Order
“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Gum #Flavor #Sticks
“I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Girl #Mad #Get Real
“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Feet #Stockings #Ultimate
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Funny #Long #Would Be
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Depressing #Wall #Tennis
“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Kids #Kitchen #Comedy
“I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Lasts #Comedy #Jokes
“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Funny #Girlfriend #Dating
“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Funny #Witty #Dirty
“Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Alcohol #Disease #Alcoholism
“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Soccer #Thinking #Comedy
“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Thanksgiving #Being Yourself #Fun
“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”
-- Mitch Hedberg

#Funny #Dog #Forever

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