Jim Gaffigan quotes

  • You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

  • There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Perception #Comedian #Eras

  • Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #People #Drunk #What If

  • Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it's never enough. I think that's true. It's hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It's something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Real #Book #Hard Work

  • Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Likes #Remember #Grammar

  • I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. There's no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It's like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross' type of standup.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Thinking #Comedian #Style

  • In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Kids #Priorities #Parent

  • As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they're like, 'It's unbelievable how clean,' 'He's the cleanest person in the world.' And then I'll do shows and people will be like, 'You're supposed to be so clean, but you're talking about cancer.'
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Cancer #Talking #People

  • The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Glasses #Dramatic #Advantage

  • We tend to outdo ourselves.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

  • No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I’m not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. “Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Cute #Cousin #Fun

  • I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest to do that much research.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Research #Interest

  • There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Fathers Day #Song #Dad

  • There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Who I Am #Ideas #People

  • Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Asking #Hell

  • In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how you might be physically perceived.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Acting #Might #Awareness

  • Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Couple #Strange

  • I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Believe #Comedian #Criticism

  • I come from a very big family... nine parents.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Parent #Big Families #Nine

  • I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Guy #Midwest #Towns

  • Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Christmas #Dying #Thanks

  • I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Who I Am #Guy #Kind

  • For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Morning #Night #Waiting

  • Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Baby #Doe #Toddler

  • People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Cute #Baby #Powerful

  • Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Cake #Pie #Drunk

  • I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to see me in a theater and they want to have their picture taken with me, it's not the end of the world. It's one of those things, where I'm not the only comic who does it. A lot of comics do it. If I'm doing a 4,000-seat venue, it might be a little bit of a different task, but it's all good.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Taken #Mean #People

  • I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me,
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Children #Father #My Children

  • I don't have any delusions. I'm not a novelist - I'm a comedian who writes. I love doing the stand-up and the touring and the albums and all that, but it's pretty amazing to go into a library and see your book there.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Book #Writing #Comedian

  • Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Thinking #Dessert #Yeah

  • Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Dad #Ideas #Wanted

  • I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy"... My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family." Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Wife #House #Camping

  • If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Want #Wow

  • Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Inspirational #Funny #Travel

  • Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Comedian #Laziness

  • I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Blind #Genes #Pale

  • I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Kids #Talking #People

  • As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Pain #Dad #Light

  • For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Comedian #Luck #Culture

  • Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Writing #Cities #Bye

  • Television's very much a writer's medium, as it probably should be, but if you're not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It's just kind of how it's constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don't want to come across as a jerk.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Television #Want #Kind

  • I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Funny #Thinking #Mafia

  • I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #World #Bowling #Said

  • I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Children #Sleep #Hair

  • I'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I'm also a mama's boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I'm kinda half guy's guy.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Boys #Guy #Missing

  • My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Wife #Lazy #My Wife

  • I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Summer #People #World

  • You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Book #Reading #Condescending

  • I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Laughing #Insane #Stranger

  • Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Dad #Laughing #Parent

  • I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Coffee #Watches #Tvs

  • A lot of people are like, "You're doing commercials?" And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a lot of sitcoms I get offered. It's hard work, and I'm paid a lot of money, and I do it because I love the soda.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Hard Work #People #Soda

  • Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Valentine #Would Be #February

  • I've been doing stand-up for so long, I think 19 years, that I love topics I can also expand on. Once I identify a topic like, say, seafood, which is a big one right now, it's like there are different kinds of tangents I can go on to build a larger chunk.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Thinking #Years #Long

  • Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Children #Party #People

  • I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain "persona." Comedians write the way they're going to write.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Writing #Thinking #Decision

  • I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #New York #Latin #White

  • It's weird, I love acting and stand-up is a very unique, solitary thing where you are the writer, performer and director. But acting is incredibly rewarding, working and interacting with people to create funny moments. I can't imagine not doing acting or stand-up, I really enjoy both of them that much.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Unique #People #Acting

  • I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Couple #Sitting #Next

  • My comedy is romanticized laziness.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Laziness #Comedy

  • If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would know.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Airplane #Who I Am #Class

  • I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Growing Up #Thinking #Self

  • I was the youngest of the six kids, and to make my older siblings laugh, that was very important. I did a great impression of our dad that made them all laugh, so that gave me a lot of power within the family.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Dad #Sibling #Kids

  • The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not an exhibitionist like other comics. I'm not up there talking about masturbating.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Talking #Ideas #Laughing

  • I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Sexy #People #Laughing

  • I definitely write about things that are universal, that everyone can identify with. You're supposed to write about things you're passionate about and I guess I am a foodie. I do love food and it's kind of like I'm an eccentric observationalist guy. To make it kind of universal, I try a lot of different things. When I first started writing this, I was like, 'No food.' Then, you know, it just always goes there.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Writing #Guy #Trying

  • What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Television #Enthusiasm

  • Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you. So I feel like with food, it is a passion of mine. It's where my sensibility rests. I love topics that are universal, and I love stuff that doesn't alienate people.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Passion #Writing #People

  • I always seem to be chosen to do very flattering things like the beard comb over or go to the bathroom with the door open on Sex and the City or be the guy people meow at in Super Troopers. It's great for self esteem.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Sex #Self Esteem #Doors

  • The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You should be the head of the sitcom!" Or you're given no respect, where they're like, "You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down."
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Crazy #Men #People

  • I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the Internet as an effective way to waste time and time.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Thinking #Too Much #Way

  • I was always told that Hoosier came from when settlers in the state, when a stranger came on their property they'd say, "Who's there? Who's there?" So people that were from Indiana were the people that said "Who's there?" But what do I know? I don't read or interact with people outside the Internet.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #People #Indiana #Hoosiers

  • I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Sexy #Guy #Huskies

  • I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Thinking #Voice #Female

  • There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I know someone who looks like you" and I don't know what say to them except, "Tell them hi."
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Men #Looks #Like You

  • I do Sierra Mist commercials not because they pay me a lot of money or because it only takes a couple of days. I do it because I have a respect for all sodas and I like to communicate that. Some people say soda, some people say pop, where I'm from in Indiana they called it breakfast.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Couple #People #Breakfast

  • There's a certain balance between finding an opportunity to do what you really enjoy and getting caught up in the flattery of people wanting you to do things.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Opportunity #People #Balance

  • There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #People #Vegetarian

  • I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a while after that. Kind of like the first time you do a drug, you're like, "Huh! This is pretty darn good," and then you spend all your money trying to get the same high.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Drug #Trying #Tanks

  • I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #People #Laughing #Break

  • I think it's important to control your opportunities, because in the entertainment world, it's not up to you. I'm not sitting here under this naïve belief that someone in Hollywood is going, "Gaffigan! What kind of a show can I build around him?" So you have to find things that can showcase your point of view.
    -- Jim Gaffigan

    #Opportunity #Thinking #Views