Daniel Tosh quotes

  • The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Modern #Caps #Dunces

  • I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Gay #Men

  • Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her…
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Girl #Guy #What If

  • We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Play #Names #People

  • The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Television #Towns #Failing

  • The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Blow #Ipods #Anthem

  • How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Sex #Cheer

  • I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Trying #Racist

  • The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #America #Crystals #Common

  • No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Screws #Virgins

  • I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Sports #Letting Go #Running

  • I can say that. I have a television show.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Television #Shows

  • Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Stupid #Struggle #School

  • I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Morning #Noon #Apologizing

  • I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Thinking #Sun #Causes

  • Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Men #Ugly #Ugly Women

  • I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Television #Definitions #Resolution

  • I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Cancer #Writing #Tired

  • I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Cutting #Personality #Looks

  • I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Voice #Ideas #Voices In My Head

  • High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #School #People #Drug

  • If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Thinking #Taste #Backgrounds

  • I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Heaven #Speak

  • I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Ideas #People

  • I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #School #Florida

  • I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Children #Fluoride

  • I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking ***** or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Country #Marijuana #Smoking

  • I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Jesus #Hate

  • I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #War #Drinking #Fighting

  • I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Cutting #Personality #Looks

  • I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Interesting #Honest #Not Honest

  • Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I'm not pregnant
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Pregnancy #Home

  • I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Tattoo #Thinking #Years

  • The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Workout #Media #Important

  • Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Girl #Morning

  • I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Night #Matter

  • I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Awards #Branches

  • You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Likes #Puppets #Sock

  • You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Girlfriend #Scary

  • I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Perfect

  • I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Girlfriend #Water

  • I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Stupid #Mean #Tests

  • It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Stereotype #Jokes

  • I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Expression #Yeah #Hail

  • Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.'
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #People #Firsts

  • Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Parent #Adults

  • Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Baby #Safe

  • Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #San Francisco #Parent

  • I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Sports #Athlete

  • You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Girl #Spiritual

  • The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Reason #Woodstock

  • Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Husband #Fall #Men

  • That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Guy #Asian

  • It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Spring #Break

  • It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Hollywood #Looks

  • It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Hbo #People

  • Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Independent #People

  • If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Men #Virgins

  • I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Beautiful #People

  • You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Sick #Freak

  • Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #I Love Him #Bills #Hicks

  • I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Fans #Want

  • Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Country #Running #Fun

  • I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?
    -- Daniel Tosh

    #Funny #Ocean #Men