Daniel Tosh Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

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“The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Modern #Caps #Dunces
“I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Funny #Gay #Men
“Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped herâ€¦”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Girl #Guy #What If
“We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Play #Names #People
“The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Television #Towns #Failing
“The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Blow #Ipods #Anthem
“How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Funny #Sex #Cheer
“I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Funny #Trying #Racist
“The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#America #Crystals #Common
“No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Screws #Virgins
“I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Sports #Letting Go #Running
“I can say that. I have a television show.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Television #Shows
“Don't you love it when people in school are like, â€œI'm a bad test takerâ€? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Stupid #Struggle #School
“I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Morning #Noon #Apologizing
“I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Thinking #Sun #Causes
“Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Men #Ugly #Ugly Women
“I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Television #Definitions #Resolution
“I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Cancer #Writing #Tired
“I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance â€” fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: â€œI don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Cutting #Personality #Looks
“I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Voice #Ideas #Voices In My Head
“High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#School #People #Drug
“If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Thinking #Taste #Backgrounds
“I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Funny #Heaven #Speak
“I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Funny #Ideas #People
“I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Funny #School #Florida
“I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Funny #Children #Fluoride
“I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking ***** or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Country #Marijuana #Smoking
“I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Funny #Jesus #Hate
“I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#War #Drinking #Fighting
“I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.”
-- Daniel Tosh

#Cutting #Personality #Looks

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