Stephen Colbert Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

“This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#America #Liberty #Giants

“Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Air #Knives #People

“Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Morning #Confused #Blue

“I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Nails #Lions #Audience

“And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.”
-- Stephen Colbert

“I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Ignorant #Guests

“Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!”
-- Stephen Colbert

#America #Leader #Hungry

“I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Drug #Littles #Consumption

“I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Friday #Children #Black

“If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Thinking #People #Mind

“I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Gay #Conservative #Married

“I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it's an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you're talking about politics or the media.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Thinking #Media #Talking

“‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Dinner #Offensive #Persons

“I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Thinking #People #Want

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Christian #Jesus #Selfish

“Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Writing #Athletic #Intellectual

“Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Funny Valentines Day #Today #Should

“The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we're all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Self #Doubt #Enormous

“Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands ...”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Hands #Mouths #Speech

“It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this." The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Games #Resolution #Follow Through

“Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Drinking #Gay #Way

“We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Character #Reality #Ideas

“Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Summer #Ideas

“Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Email #Messages #Sound

“The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Grief #Mean #Thinking

“The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Winning #Presidential #Singers

“We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Real #People #Shadow

“Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Scotch #Next #Slippery Slope

“You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Want #Argument #Hopefully

“The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun”
-- Stephen Colbert

#Gun #Pens