Jon Stewart quotes

  • I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Funny #Thanksgiving #Land

  • The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Beautiful #Beautiful Things #Delayed

  • Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Dream #Bed #Pockets

  • What I like to do is come in, write the entire program and treat my staff to hot stone massages.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Writing #Massage #Hot

  • In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?
    -- Jon Stewart

    #People #Mind #Democracy

  • People always say, when did you realize you were funny? And I think it's not that you realize you were funny. It's that you're brain works in a certain way. And I don't think that that's - I think in some respects it's uncontrollable, and you can either accept it and deal with it and hone it or you can try to fight it. And I was too weak to fight it.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Fighting #Thinking #People

  • Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Ignorance #Epidemics #Evil

  • Typically, when you're with your friends, premises are coming up left and right. But when you're on stage, you must create the premise. So you have to create the premise, paint the picture and then deliver the punch line.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Paint

  • In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Military #Iraq #Feet

  • Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy...
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Energy

  • Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It's Romney's inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse, that’s a little offensive to people, especially considering Romney's view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don't know, food and medicine.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Government #Views #Medicine

  • Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Moving #Comedy #Traffic Jam

  • I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege,
    -- Jon Stewart

    #White Privilege #Want #White

  • Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Death #People #Religion

  • If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he's not the problem.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #President #World #Lines

  • No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Race #People #Use

  • I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Giving #Upset #Care

  • When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Powerful #Needs

  • Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Christian #Dream #War

  • So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Voice #America #News

  • It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Animal #Names #Meat

  • Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Ignorance #Comfort

  • The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Christian #Religious #Secularism

  • It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Zoos #Stupid #Mad

  • Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Humorous #Two #Talking

  • If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Strong #Enough #Regimes

  • I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Careers #Looks #Want

  • You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Confused #War #Religion

  • Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #People #Corporations #Firsts

  • Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #War #Teaching #Order

  • To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!
    -- Jon Stewart

    #War #Oil #Iraq

  • There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Jobs #Heart #Guy

  • Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Smart #Hungry #Break

  • The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Networking #World #Classroom

  • A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Thinking #People #Guy

  • McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Done #Death Penalty #Lawyer

  • I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Funny #Hilarious #Country

  • In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Ocean #Blue #Land

  • It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Office #Nurse #Balls

  • If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Advice #Dollars #Investing

  • College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #College #Life Is #Complete Life

  • If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Motivational #Hobbies #Sticks

  • I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Absurdity

  • You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach, those two ideas are not mutually exclusive. You can have great regard for law enforcement and still want them to be held to high standards.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Country #Grieving #Law

  • Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Army #Gay #Thinking

  • Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition?
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Dark #Marijuana #Listening

  • You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Perfect #Use #Realizing

  • If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.
    -- Jon Stewart

  • Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Giving Up #War #Who Cares

  • Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Graduation #Fall #Age

  • It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Mother #Moon #Men

  • Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Years #Earth Day #Earth

  • Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Fathers Day #Dad #Fatherhood

  • Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke doesn't work.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Fun #Nice #Joy

  • Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Inspiration #Insomnia

  • Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #America #Conservative #Lost

  • The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Golf #Men #Guy

  • You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Long #People #Democracy

  • College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #College #People #Worry

  • How far back to the elementary school core curriculum do we have to go to get someone on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology caught up?
    -- Jon Stewart

    #School #Technology #Space

  • You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Careers #Trying #Proud

  • The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Church #Baptists #Chickens

  • People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Men #People #Habit

  • The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Graduation #Curriculum #Life Is

  • Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Government #Congress #Justin

  • I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Ignorance #Comfort

  • It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights as someone else.
    -- Jon Stewart

    #Gay #Rights #People

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