Bill Maher quotes

  • I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Biblical #People #Political

  • Many people can't deal with unanswered questions, which religion exploits by providing answers, even if they are just made up by someone. This is also why we love TV shows and movies that neatly wrap up everything in exactly an hour or two.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Tv Shows #Two #People

  • New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are "same sex" marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Dog #Sex #Gay

  • I didn't really think a lot about religion, but I didn't really think a lot against it, either. I was one of those people who didn't go to church, but when I got in trouble I kinda pleaded with God - whoever that was.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Thinking #People #Church

  • You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Lunch #Missing #Watches

  • Anything is depressing if you dwell on it. The fact that religion could end the world? Yeah, I guess that could be considered depressing. But considering that there's also a lot to laugh at, I think it's a good balance.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Depressing #Thinking #Laughing

  • Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Liars #Government #People

  • You can't deny that religion has done some good. It organizes lots of anti-poverty programs and soup kitchens and missionary work. But I would say that, first of all, all those things can be accomplished without religion. You can be ethical, somebody who does the right thing without feeling that he has to in order to get his ***** saved in the next life.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Order #Feelings #Kitchen

  • You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Sea #Environmental #Windmills

  • I don't want to start a movement that mirrors religion. I don't want to create the church of the non-believers where I'm the preacher and we're all gathering together and reciting things.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Mirrors #Church #Together

  • The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key deciscions made by religious people. By irrationalists. By those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Religious #Reading #Keys

  • Whatever good religion has done, it has come at a terrible price.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Done #Terrible

  • Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Kids #Gay #Law

  • People are either good or they're not. Religion doesn't make anybody good, I don't think.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Thinking #People

  • Denying racism is the new racism
    -- Bill Maher

    #Racism

  • When those myths were created, when the Bible was written, man didn't know what an atom or a germ was, or where the sun went at night, or why the women got pregnant. [Laughs.] They needed stories to answer the questions.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Night #Men #Laughing

  • The answer isn't another pill. The answer is spinach
    -- Bill Maher

    #Pills #Answers #Spinach

  • I don't say that I'm an atheist. I don't like that term, because I think it mirrors the certitude of religion. I say I don't know. And if you don't know - and you don't - just man up and say you don't know. Don't turn to silly stories and ancient myths.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Atheist #Silly #Men

  • Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Running #Thinking #Texas

  • In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Religious #Average #People

  • Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Party #Tea #Cost

  • In fact, because people are religious, they think they can do bad things.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Religious #Thinking #People

  • I would wager that the number of civilians that were killed [in] a typical week under Saddam Hussein was probably more than we killed during the weeks we were at war there.
    -- Bill Maher

    #War #Numbers #Typical

  • Heroin may be bad, but it sure as hell hasn't hurt my CD collection.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Hurt #Cds #Addiction

  • Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Crazy #Book #Thinking

  • To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Courage #Stupidity #Coward

  • It's so easy to demagogue the issue and make someone who speaks out against the internal-combustion engine sound like an insane communist, when the truth is that the internal-combustion engine is the biggest threat to our lives, in terms of what it's doing to our environment and how it's depleting the ozone layer and so forth.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Issues #Ozone #Insane

  • A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, was caught flirting with a woman trolling for dates on Craigslist and sent her a shirtless photo of himself. He lied about his age and his marital status. He said he was 39 and divorced. He's 46 and married, though being a Republican congressman, I'm guessing he's really 60 and gay.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Gay #Flirting #Age

  • [Being a] conservative also used to involve the concept of people being free to do whatever they want to do, as long as it doesn't hurt somebody else. Conservatives used to be very libertarian.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Hurt #Long #People

  • We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Funny #Responsibility #Rights

  • Don't vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Vote #Republican #Democrat

  • Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. Discuss.
    -- Bill Maher

    #War #Campaigns #Cash

  • Nobody in America who wants pot has any trouble getting it, so maybe that's why we aren't seeing support for legalization. People don't think it's necessary to legalize it, because it's so easy to get it.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Thinking #America #People

  • Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Relationship #Funny Love #Love You

  • Life is about making tough choices. Sometimes you have to go where your career is going.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Careers #Choices #Tough

  • If you think you have it tough, read history books.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Book #Thinking #Tough

  • The people [in the USA] are not very well informed. They certainly don`t know history. They certainly are not interested in foreign affairs very much, unless it comes right to their doorstep. They all learn history through wars. They learn geography through wars.
    -- Bill Maher

    #War #Usa #People

  • I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor.
    -- Bill Maher

    #People #Missing #Looks

  • People are very narcissistic. It's not all their fault. We live in a society where there is a magazine for you, a channel for you, a perfume for you.
    -- Bill Maher

    #People #Narcissistic #Magazines

  • Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Government #Years #Two

  • You can refer to god and you are really just talking about nature. If you are going to say the universe is god, then everything is god, everything is religion. But when we explore traditional religion we are talking about humanistic gods people pray to, that they think can intervene in their lives, who run sort of a heaven-and-hell operation for the afterworld.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Running #Thinking #Talking

  • When it comes to religion, we're not two sides of the same coin, and you don't get to put your unreason up on the same shelf with my reason. Your stuff has to go over there, on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kraken, with the stuff that is not evidence-based, stuff that religious people never change their mind about, no matter what happens.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Religious #Kraken #Two Sides

  • People who don't like you almost never come up to you. That's a lot of years of saying things that I know a lot of people in this country hate me for. And the number of times someone has come up to me and said something negative, I could count on one hand.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Country #Hate #Hands

  • We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Gun #Tragedy #President

  • I don't think George Bush is a good president by any imagination, but when he said, 'If you're talking to Al-Quaeda, we want to know what it's about,' it just proves one thing: If you're president long enough, you will one day say something that is true.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Thinking #Talking #Long

  • Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?
    -- Bill Maher

    #Dog #Wife #Car

  • The key to me, in religion, is just to treat it like it doesn't really matter. We have a Pope, we don't really believe him, we don't really listen to what he says, we don't really take him seriously. That's what has to happen with religion. It has to be marginalized and in the Islamic world, it's not marginalized, it's taken literally.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Taken #Islamic #Believe

  • Over the last 30 odd years, Democrats have moved to the right and the right has moved into the mental hospital. So what we have is one perfectly good party for hedge fund managers, credit card companies, banks, defense contractors, big agriculture and the pharmaceutical lobby... That's the Democrats. And they sit across the aisle from a small group of religious lunatics, flat-earthers and civil war re-enactors who mostly communicate by AM radio and call themselves the Republicans and who actually worry that Obama is a socialist. Socialist? He's not even a liberal.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Religious #War #Party

  • I was brought up Catholic and we show my mom, my mother, my sister and then I take pains to explain on camera, that there were years after that where I wasn't really religious. I certainly wasn't a Catholic anymore, but I still lived with some mythical man in my head. I didn't really put a name to a face, but I just knew that if I was in trouble or scared I would go, 'Oh God, please help me get out of this one.'
    -- Bill Maher

    #Mom #Mother #Religious

  • Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?
    -- Bill Maher

    #Funny #Internet #Fats

  • The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Ideas #People #Ridiculous

  • My policy is I am always more than happy to say, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." What I am not willing to do is take back what I said. Unless I am wrong.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Hurt #Sorry #Feelings

  • They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Funny #Mean #Marijuana

  • I don't think all life is precious. I know people say that all the time, "Life is precious." I think some life is precious, and some life is just a waste of protoplasm. Start over.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Thinking #People #Starting Over

  • The only thing I hate worse than prophecy is self-fulfilling prophecy
    -- Bill Maher

    #Hate #Self #Prophecy

  • I don't believe in a lot of things from the Bronze Age, but an eye for an eye does make a sort of symmetrical sense to me. I really believe that if somebody takes a life, that [death penalty] is what they should get. I also think it's a lot more humane than keeping people in a cage for the rest of their life.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Believe #Eye #Thinking

  • During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn't have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Book #Coffee #Fighting

  • Americans are used to being pandered to and spoon-fed everything. In a culture that needs caffeine-free cherry chocolate diet Coke, you'd best deliver information with entertainment.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Chocolate #Needs #Culture

  • New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Sorry #Rain #Fire

  • Sometimes I'm dragging my ***** out to the airport at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and I'm wondering why I'm doing this, but once I walk on stage I know why...because I'm addicted.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Airports #Sometimes #Wonder

  • There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don't get a vote.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Vote #Debate #Scientist

  • The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You're learning how to do, and you're going on stage in front of two drunks and people aren't laughing and you're broke. That's a really hard time in your life.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Hard Times #Years #Two

  • North Carolina right now is going apeshit in a way no state ever has. Take every crazy, angry idea your drunk, right-wing uncle mumbles at Thanksgiving, turn it into a law, and that’s North Carolina today.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Uncles #Crazy #Law

  • People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.
    -- Bill Maher

    #People #Sometimes

  • Republicans don't have to accept evolution, economics, climatology, or human sexuality, but I just watched a week of their national convention, and I need them to admit the historical existence of George W. Bush. If your party can run the nation for eight years and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, or Tom DeLay, you're not a political movement, you're the witness protection program.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Running #Party #Years

  • The politicians are no prizes, but the people are even worse, they're so ill-informed. I never understand the pushback when I say people are stupid.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Stupid #People #Politician

  • Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Truth #People #Wonder

  • Old Testament, is really one of the most wickedest books you'll ever come across. God is an insecure, rage-filled hybrid of Bobby Knight and Suge Knight. He's got these anger issues that you can't believe. He's like John McCain if McCain could fart hail. He's pro-slavery, he's pro-polygamy, he's homophobic, he'll kill you for masturbating.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Book #Believe #Insecure

  • I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Funny #Atheist #Thinking

  • It could be anything. It could be Jesus and it could be the Furby and it could be the lint that lives in my navel, but it's probably not. Whatever it is, I doubt we as humans on Earth could have any perception of it while we're here. So, why give yourself a headache thinking about it. Just be a good person. That's what an ethicist is.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Jesus #Thinking #Giving

  • We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Country #Sheep #People

  • Barack Obama is the President of the United States, a politician in America, a very religious country, so I understand why he has to pretend to be a religious person himself. I say pretend because, I can only hope that someone as bright as he, wouldn't really believe that people can walk on water and ride a winged horse and rain frogs and you can change water into wine.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Country #Religious #Horse

  • Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Halloween #Thinking #People

  • The difference, I think, that matters is which of the religions are dangerous. They're all crazy, but which ones have the potential to turn that into death. In that area, I think we have to worry the most about the Muslims and the Christians
    -- Bill Maher

    #Christian #Crazy #Thinking

  • Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Funny #Witty #Humorous

  • To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Christian #Clicks #Software

  • People like the Mormons and the Scientologists, who I think should combine and make a Mormontologist because what they believe is just so out there it's just laughable.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Believe #Thinking #People

  • The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity - mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism - mumbling to the wall, Islam - mumbling to the floor.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Wall #Differences #Islam

  • Tt just seems to be human nature to seem to want to posit in another human being, qualities that you must know, in part of your mind, that human being couldn't possess because you don't possess.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Mind #Quality #Want

  • Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Country #Book #Reality

  • Eell there always is a tendency in human nature to deify.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Human Nature #Tendencies #Humans

  • Men are only as loyal as their options.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Funny #Witty #Humorous

  • My thinking is, government is really there to do the things that people absolutely can't do for themselves. And that's mostly involved with the things that might kill you. And what might kill me? The environment and terrorism.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Thinking #Government #People

  • In ten Muslim countries you can get the death penalty just for being gay. If they were chopping the heads off of gay people in the Vatican, wouldn't there be a greater outcry among liberals?
    -- Bill Maher

    #Country #Gay #People

  • I'm more likely to not invite someone back for not talking. If someone talks a lot, I can usually shut them up and control them. But with people who don't talk, if they don't really want to talk, they probably shouldn't be on this show, and that's fine. They're talented people with things to say, but sometimes people say what they have to say through other means than arguing.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Mean #Talking #People

  • The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Dog #Home #World

  • I never, ever in my life tried to be outrageous. I've only ever tried to say what was truly on my mind and not pull punches about it.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Mind

  • I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10
    -- Bill Maher

    #Dog #Jobs #Animal

  • I'm definitely good. I'm not bad; I'm extremely honest, and I allow no bullshit to pass by my radar. And that will always get lots of people thinking you're a jerk. But there are people who appreciate total honesty and questioning of the conformities in our society, and I'm heroic to those people. And I should be. It's an indictment of the rest of society who doesn't get that.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Honesty #Thinking #People

  • Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Tolerance #Intolerance #Tolerate

  • What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don't call him stupid because they don't agree with you politically.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Stupid #Believe #Love You

  • Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical ***** or assisted suicide, suddenly the 'will of the people' goes out the window.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Suicide #Gay #Marijuana

  • Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Because I Can

  • There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Jesus #America #Atheism

  • Recognition is one of the three big elements of comedy.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Three #Elements #Recognition

  • If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Children #Leader #Religion

  • Treason is when legislators vote against homeland security measures because it goes against the wishes of their political or financial backers. Treason is the fact that, as a terrorist, you could still buy a gun in this country because the NRA lobby is so strong.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Country #Strong #Gun

  • Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
    -- Bill Maher

    #Ego #Religion #Faces

  • I'm not a joiner. I don't like organizations.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Organization

  • A new biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead … Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, ‘It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair.
    -- Bill Maher

    #Teenage #School #Kids

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