Jerry Seinfeld quotes

  • Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Men #Support

  • The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, "Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head." I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Fighting #Thinking #Wife

  • The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Mafia #Irs

  • People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?"
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Being Single #People #Magic

  • People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Hilarious #Lying #People

  • I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Answers #Sprinkles #Littles

  • In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is,
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #World #Feels

  • There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Energy #Persons

  • A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Witty #Laughter

  • Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face and they know what you mean, so you can get away with certain things. But if you can't create that look on an animated character, which is essentially a puppet, the line will hit the audience in a very bad way.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Character #Mean #People

  • I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee's a little help with everything — social, energy, don't know what to do next, don't know how to start my day, don't know how to get through this afternoon, don't know how to stay alert. We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Good Night #Coffee #Sleep

  • I like to try anything... You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Trying #Formulas #Experiments

  • According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Hilarious #Death

  • A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Nice #Water #Surfing

  • Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Dog #Believe

  • Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Comic #Lifelong #Ready

  • Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Witty #Humorous

  • Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Evil #Energy #Different

  • If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Inspirational #Funny #Hilarious

  • You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Phones #Mind #Body

  • Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Sex #Funny Relationship #Men

  • To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Moving #Life Is Good #Movement

  • Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Blessing #Life Is #Torture

  • Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Want #Fame #Possibility

  • You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Challenges #Alive #Stills

  • What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine?
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Glasses #Deals

  • There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Family #Children

  • You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Essence #Comedy #Crankiness

  • Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Thinking #Maturity #Doctors

  • The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Laughter #Fun #Laughing

  • Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Love #Funny #Marriage

  • My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Moving #Funny Relationship #Florida

  • I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Witty #Time #Cutting

  • It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Witty #Humorous

  • Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Makeup #Color

  • I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Thinking #Comedy

  • I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Suicide #Suicidal #House

  • If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Long #Stories #Want

  • Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Witty #Want #Responsible

  • Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Dog #Money #Pockets

  • Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Birthday #Years #Cake

  • The best revenge is living well.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Revenge #Best Revenge #Live Well

  • Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Looks #Sun #Staring

  • I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #People #Feelings #Unfortunate

  • I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Education #Humor #People

  • I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Goodbye #Smell

  • If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Dog #Humorous

  • Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had missed lunch but that is how I survived the 9 years [of Seinfeld], it was that 20 minutes in the middle of the day would save me.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Years #Lunch #Meditation

  • There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Thinking #Ideas #People

  • Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Mean #Average #Funeral

  • I love advertising because I love lying.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Lying #Advertising

  • I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Wisdom #Lying #Thinking

  • The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Laughing #Survival #Tradition

  • Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Heads Up

  • Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Block #Writing #Excuse

  • To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Country #Moving #Games

  • Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Men #Doctors #Body

  • What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Winning #Games #Dating

  • You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Coffee #Needs #Culture

  • I am a very organized person. I get up at 6:15 a.m., the kids get up at 6:45 a.m., and so I get up and get it in. I’m addicted to the high function. To me it’s a work thing -- if you meditate, you can get so much work done. I always say to people you know how about three nights a year you get a good night sleep? You can have it every day with meditation.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Good Night #Sleep #Kids

  • You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Birthday #Blow #Cake

  • A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Reading #Book #Learning

  • I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Writing #Editors #Magazines

  • Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Hilarious #Witty

  • Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Anger #Trying #Comedy

  • Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Baby #Funny Life #Mistake

  • That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Funny #Christmas #People

  • What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Rip #Roots #Hair

  • Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Love #Relationship #Moving

  • What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Book #People #House

  • Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Falling In Love #Cereal #Pay

  • Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Running #Thinking #Suffering

  • The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

    #Being Yourself #Comedy