Quotes and Sayings About Hilarious
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Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
-- Adi Da -
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Al McGuire -
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein -
There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.
-- Amy Poehler -
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Anybody who doesn't make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life, the better.
-- Amy Poehler -
When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes
-- Ann Brashares -
At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
-- Ann Landers -
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
-- Ann Landers -
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To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target
-- Ashleigh Brilliant -
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant -
I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.
-- Audrey Hepburn -
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.
-- Ben Berger -
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Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-- Benjamin Franklin -
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
-- Benny Hill -
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
-- Benny HillSource : "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.
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If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
-- Bette MidlerSource : Twitter post from Mar 27, 2014
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We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.
-- Bill Vaughan -
Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.
-- Billie Holiday -
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
-- Billy SundaySource : Billy Sunday, William Thomas Ellis (1917). “Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words which Have Won Thousands for Christ”
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A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
-- Bob HopeSource : Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).
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Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
-- Bob Thaves -
There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.
-- Camille PagliaSource : Sexual Personae ch. 8 (1990)
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My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
-- Caroline Rhea -
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
-- Charles Lamb -
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By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
-- Charles Wadsworth -
Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-- Charlotte WhittonSource : Canada Month, June 1963. A later satirical version of this saying added to the end "Luckily, this is not difficult" (Paul Dickson, The Official Rules [1978]). See Eleanor Roosevelt 2
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I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.
-- Chris Kattan -
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
-- Chris RockSource : Katharine Fullerton Gerould (1916). “Vain Oblations”
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I always say, the bigger the hair, the smaller the hips!
-- Christie Brinkley -
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
-- Claude Pepper