Emo Philips Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
-- Emo Philips

#Death #Sarcastic #Kids
“I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.”
-- Emo Philips

#Girl #Mistake #Thinking
“My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.”
-- Emo Philips

#Relationship #Girlfriend #Eye
“You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.”
-- Emo Philips

#Children #Wife #Married
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
-- Emo Philips

#Hilarious #Way #Knowing God
“The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.”
-- Emo Philips

#Love You #Home #Sleep
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
-- Emo Philips

#Funny #Motivational Sports #Humorous
“If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.”
-- Emo Philips

#Country #Blow #Long
“I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.”
-- Emo Philips

#Catholic #Buttons #Gave Up
“I've been at stand-up for years: after a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.”
-- Emo Philips

#Years #Gynecologists #Patient
“My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.”
-- Emo Philips

#Witty #Humor #Kickboxing
“I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.”
-- Emo Philips

#Trying #Tails #Envelopes
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
-- Emo Philips

#Inspirational #Funny #Witty
“I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.”
-- Emo Philips

#Night #Years #Comedian
“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”
-- Emo Philips

#Funny #Life #Sleep
“Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.”
-- Emo Philips

#Comedian #Style #Reason
“Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.”
-- Emo Philips

#Reality #Devil #Comedy
“I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'”
-- Emo Philips

#Funny #Men #Two
“He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.”
-- Emo Philips

#Funny #Smile #Taught
“I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”
-- Emo Philips

#Girl #Night #Way
“Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.”
-- Emo Philips

#Good Day #Devil #Life Is
“I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.”
-- Emo Philips

#New Day #Underwear #Comedy
“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”
-- Emo Philips

#Funny #Glasses #Giving
“I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.”
-- Emo Philips

#Thinking #Brain #Body
“My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.”
-- Emo Philips

#Parent #Excited #Crosses
“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'”
-- Emo Philips

#Funny #Grandfather #Lasts
“The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.”
-- Emo Philips

#Government #Nuclear #Weapons
“I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?”
-- Emo Philips

#Surfing #Body
“People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.”
-- Emo Philips

#Funny #People #Comedy
“I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.”
-- Emo Philips

#Children #Upside Down

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