Emo Philips quotes

  • When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Death #Sarcastic #Kids

  • I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Girl #Mistake #Thinking

  • My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Relationship #Girlfriend #Eye

  • You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Children #Wife #Married

  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Hilarious #Way #Knowing God

  • The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Love You #Home #Sleep

  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Funny #Motivational Sports #Humorous

  • If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Country #Blow #Long

  • I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Catholic #Buttons #Gave Up

  • I've been at stand-up for years: after a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Years #Gynecologists #Patient

  • My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Witty #Humor #Kickboxing

  • I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Trying #Tails #Envelopes

  • How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Inspirational #Funny #Witty

  • I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Night #Years #Comedian

  • I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Funny #Life #Sleep

  • Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Comedian #Style #Reason

  • Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Reality #Devil #Comedy

  • I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
    -- Emo Philips

    #Funny #Men #Two

  • He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Funny #Smile #Taught

  • I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Girl #Night #Way

  • Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Good Day #Devil #Life Is

  • I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
    -- Emo Philips

    #New Day #Underwear #Comedy

  • At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Funny #Glasses #Giving

  • I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Thinking #Brain #Body

  • My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Parent #Excited #Crosses

  • Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
    -- Emo Philips

    #Funny #Grandfather #Lasts

  • The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Government #Nuclear #Weapons

  • I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
    -- Emo Philips

    #Surfing #Body

  • People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Funny #People #Comedy

  • I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Children #Upside Down

  • I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Men #Play #Chess

  • I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Lovers #Great Lovers

  • Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Cds #Two #Missionary

  • I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Night #Trying #Lucky

  • I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
    -- Emo Philips

    #Sorry #Fighting #Guy

  • I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Beer #Nursing #Bars

  • Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Squash #Dresses #Littles

  • I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Running #Children #Yelling

  • I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Gay #Comedy #Lost

  • Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Encouragement #Morning #Sex

  • You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Money #School #Reality

  • I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Funny #Friendship #Witty

  • I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Lucky #Bars #Gum

  • You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Hate #I Hate #Giver

  • My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Love #Funny #Limits

  • I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Pain #Real #Men

  • I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Taught #Dollars #Fifth Avenue

  • The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Evil #Office #Tanks

  • Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Volleyball #Devil #Ambiguity

  • Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Law #Lord #Break

  • I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Home #Night #Guy

  • I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Looks #Plastic #Plastic Surgery

  • People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
    -- Emo Philips

    #Emo #People #Come Up

  • Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
    -- Emo Philips

    #Tree #Coats #Fifteen

  • I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
    -- Emo Philips

    #Morning #Prayer #Heart

  • I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Cheer #Feelings #Bills

  • I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
    -- Emo Philips

  • When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
    -- Emo Philips

    #School #Bully #Arms

  • The question is absurd: when you ask, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then does He allow suffering?', what you are really asking is, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then can He not make me (the questioner) - who is just as much a part of a universe in which there is suffering as is any other part - be at the same time the exact same questioner, but one who is now part and parcel of a universe in which there is no suffering?' Which, reduced down, is the same thing as asking, 'Why can there not be, at the same time, X and the preclusion of X?'
    -- Emo Philips

    #Powerful #Suffering #Doe

  • Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!
    -- Emo Philips

    #Dog #Phones #Cells

  • When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Illinois #Twelve #My Family

  • People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
    -- Emo Philips

    #People #Comedy #Shots

  • In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
    -- Emo Philips

    #School #Gun #Way

  • My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Safe #Comedy #Comic

  • My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Love #Life #Sister

  • Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Brother #Speech #Hello

  • Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
    -- Emo Philips

    #Children #Humorous #Parenting

  • When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Morning #Coffee #Hot

  • England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
    -- Emo Philips

    #England #Unusual #Standing Out

  • I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
    -- Emo Philips

    #Girlfriend #Father #Rubies

  • I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.
    -- Emo Philips

    #I Love You #Giving #Panic

  • I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Life #Two #Three

  • I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Eye #Sassy #Feet

  • New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
    -- Emo Philips

    #New York #Cities #Rude

  • I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
    -- Emo Philips

  • So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Wall #Wailing #Moron

  • Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Volleyball #Devil #Ambiguity

  • I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
    -- Emo Philips

    #Girl #Pretty Girl #Scared

  • I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'
    -- Emo Philips

    #Today #Purses #Miles