Rita Rudner Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

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“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Love #Funny #Marriage
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Love #Funny #Life
“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Witty #Children #Parenting
“The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Marriage #Couple #Men
“It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Two #Shapes #Months
“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Stupid #Men #Thinking
“Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do! I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you."”
-- Rita Rudner

#Halloween #Doors #People
“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Daughter #Mother #Women
“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Death #Husband #Grandmother
“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Dog #Feet #Long
“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”
-- Rita Rudner

#Love #Funny #Life
“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Doctors #Office #Ironic
“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Fall #Night #Men
“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Mother #House #Sorrow
“Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Beer #Men #Alcohol
“The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Fitness #Health #Exercise
“I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Retirement #Age #Ears
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Funny #Inspiring #Money
“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Boyfriend #Marriage #Breakup
“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Inspirational #Funny #Vegetarian
“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Love #Funny #Anniversary
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”
-- Rita Rudner

#Inspirational #Funny #Hilarious
“Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
-- Rita Rudner

#Marriage #Children #Weekend
“I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Shy #Too Much #Conversation
“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Broken Heart #Heartbroken #Breakup
“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Dog #Religious #Thinking
“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Funny #Women #Class
“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Funny #Success #Marriage
“I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Albums #Pope #Admire
“You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.”
-- Rita Rudner

#Funny #Airplane #Thinking

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