Rita Rudner quotes

  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Love #Funny #Marriage

  • When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Love #Funny #Life

  • I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Witty #Children #Parenting

  • The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Marriage #Couple #Men

  • It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Two #Shapes #Months

  • Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Stupid #Men #Thinking

  • Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do! I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you."
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Halloween #Doors #People

  • Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Daughter #Mother #Women

  • My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Death #Husband #Grandmother

  • We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Dog #Feet #Long

  • Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Love #Funny #Life

  • I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Doctors #Office #Ironic

  • Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Fall #Night #Men

  • My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Mother #House #Sorrow

  • Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Beer #Men #Alcohol

  • The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Fitness #Health #Exercise

  • I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Retirement #Age #Ears

  • Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Funny #Inspiring #Money

  • My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Boyfriend #Marriage #Breakup

  • I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Inspirational #Funny #Vegetarian

  • Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Love #Funny #Anniversary

  • To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Inspirational #Funny #Hilarious

  • Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Marriage #Children #Weekend

  • I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Shy #Too Much #Conversation

  • I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Broken Heart #Heartbroken #Breakup

  • I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Dog #Religious #Thinking

  • I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Funny #Women #Class

  • In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Funny #Success #Marriage

  • I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Albums #Pope #Admire

  • You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Funny #Airplane #Thinking

  • I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine...
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Dance #Quitting #Ballerina

  • I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Panic #Want #Lost

  • A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Jobs #Men #Dating

  • I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Hilarious #Cooking #Kitchen

  • Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Funny Inspirational #Tough #Life Is

  • Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Shopping #Feelings #Special

  • I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Money #Credit #Saving

  • When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Funny #Kids #Two Friends

  • Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Weekend #Weather #Watching Tv

  • A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Funny #Country #War

  • The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Grieving #Men #Should

  • Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Funny #Men #Danger

  • Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Men #Pay #World

  • I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Sleep #World #Alive

  • I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Dog #Animal #Dog Love

  • I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Morning #Home #Thinking

  • My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Sarcastic #Fake People #Husband

  • I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Summer #Beach #Ballet

  • Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #People #Like You #Thirty

  • I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Baby #Husband #Way

  • A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Clothes #Fire #Looks

  • Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Depressing #Men #Two

  • The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Schizophrenic

  • After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Next #Scratches #Stamps

  • I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #School #Math #Vegas

  • My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Mother #School #Lunch

  • An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Divorce #Condom

  • I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Husband #Together #Bifocals

  • There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Done #Vacuums #Manhattan

  • I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Cat #Fur #Waste

  • Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Fun #Roots #Brunette

  • Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Overcoming #Human Nature #Humans

  • I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Kids #Bars #Teeth

  • Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #New York #Nice #Littles

  • All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Sleep #Men #Gun

  • My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Dresses #You Like It #Designer

  • Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Party #Men #Black

  • Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Baby #Heart #Night

  • Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Men #Love And Marriage #Monogamy

  • If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Money #Men #Billionaire

  • In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Girl #School #Accomplishment

  • Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Jobs #Airplane #Men

  • All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Sex #Men #Looks

  • Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"?
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Flower #Men #Ideas

  • Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Dog #Towns #Los Angeles

  • Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Men #Furniture #Cry

  • At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Years #Phones #Age

  • Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Baby #Thinking #Scare

  • Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Men #Sight #Weight

  • Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Men #Self #Magazines

  • My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Cousin #Real #Men

  • Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Mistake #Mean #Men

  • Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Men #Glasses #Apples

  • ... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Technology #Broken #Life Is

  • Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Eye #Men #Looks

  • Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Men #Trying #Teach

  • I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Ideas #People #Restaurants

  • I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Limits #Telephones #Imagine

  • Men who write love letters don't live in this century.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Writing #Men #Letters

  • I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Nice #Hate #I Hate

  • I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Unique #Needs #Individual

  • The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Men #Mirrors #Care

  • All men would still really like to own a train set.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Men #Stills #Train

  • If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Husband #Doors #Video

  • Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Men #People #Bears

  • If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Men #Dinner #Salad

  • I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Regret #Sharks #Looks

  • I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Three #Hours #Miles

  • My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Growing Up #Father #Home

  • Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
    -- Rita Rudner

    #Girlfriend #Mean #Commitment