Groucho Marx Quotes:

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Topics: Inspirational, Happiness, Being Happy, Always Happy, Joy Happiness

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Topics: Love, Funny, Life

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Topics: Love, Funny, Witty, Humorous Valentine, Successful Man

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Laugh At Yourself, Sarcastic Love

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Cat, Crossings, Black Cat

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

source: - "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Smile, Learning To Read, Inspirational Reading

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Topics: Funny, Life, Witty, Annie Hall

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Topics: Art, Freedom, Political, Political Art, Political History

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Topics: Hate, Rain, Weather, Londoners, Drought

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Topics: Funny, Inspiration, Years

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Topics: Sex, Funny Relationship, Firsts, Receipts, Funny Sex

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

Topics: Girl, Crazy, Humorous

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Topics: Funny, Running, Witty, Medical Doctor, Medical Education

It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa

Topics: Inspiration, Ivory, Alabama

Go, and never darken my towels again

Topics: Inspiration, Towels

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Topics: Funny, Life, Women, Fate And Destiny

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Topics: Inspiration, Wish, Ashes

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

source: - "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Marriage, Marriage Jokes, Wonderful Experience

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Witty, Political Jokes, Thinking Alike

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

Topics: Looks, Dinner, Pay

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Topics: Funny, Truth, Honesty, Dishonesty And Lying, Being Lied

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

Topics: Wisdom, Clever, Men

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

Topics: Wisdom, Rose

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Topics: Love, Dog, Fun, Innuendo

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Topics: Funny, Death, Watches

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

Topics: Fall, Brain, Open Minded, Gullibility, Keep An Open Mind

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

Topics: Eggs, Stupidity, Ham

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Topics: Love, Funny, Mother, Mom And Child, Mother And Child

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

Topics: Government, Feet, Income, Alimony

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

Topics: Tape, Inches

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Topics: Successful, Wife, Behinds

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!

Topics: Grandmother, Men, Grandfather

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

Topics: Birthday, Cells, Cynical, Cute Life

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Topics: Sarcastic, Running, Sap

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Home

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Topics: Funny, Witty, Girlfriend, Irish Drinking, Irish Proverbs

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Topics: Funny, Witty, Communication, Toppers

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

Topics: Time, Arrows, Fruit, Milestone Birthday, Infinite Time

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

Topics: Halloween, Lasts, Spooky, Famous Last Words, Funny Famous Last Words

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

Topics: Funny, Girl, Witty, Cute Girl, Looking For A Girl

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Crazy, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Topics: Marriage, Husband, Mouths, Marriage Jokes, Wedding Marriage

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Topics: Money, Misery, Form, Money And Happiness, Money Cant Buy Happiness

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Topics: Money, Handy, Dislike, Money And Fame, Money And Happiness

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Topics: Funny, Crazy, Silly

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Topics: Funny, Crazy, Believe, Old Eyes

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Topics: Motivational, Leadership, Witty, Funny Leadership, Leadership Skills

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Crazy

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Topics: Funny, Crazy, Silly

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Laughter

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Topics: Real, Sarcasm, Names, Sarcastic Love, Sarcastic One Liners

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

Topics: Friendship, Fun, Good Friend, Cute Friendship, Funny Best Friend

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

Topics: Sexy, Men, Thinking

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Topics: Wedding, Hollywood, Bouquets, Personal Grooming

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Topics: Funny, Horse, Crazy

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket

Topics: Inspiration, Florida, Years, Nickels

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

source: - "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Don't Like Me, You Don't Like Me

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Topics: Death, Funny Life, Forever, Quip

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Fear

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Art, Cranberries, Stew

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Topics: Funny, Men, Feels

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Topics: Work, Men, Laughing, Funny Boss Day, Boss's Day

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Topics: Funny, Good Morning, Witty, Animal Crackers

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Topics: Inspiration, Golf, Doctors, Golf Clubs, Golf Course

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Topics: Funny, Marriage, Sarcastic, Humor Love, Jury

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Topics: Marriage, Funny Love, Witty, Alimony, Beating A Dead Horse

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Topics: Funny, Cute, Sarcastic, Old Jokes, Dark Sarcasm

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

Topics: Educational, Book, Library

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

source: - "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Funny, Friendship, Education, Joy Of Reading, Inspirational Dog

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Crazy, Room Service

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Topics: Dance, Women, Inspiration

I shall drink no #‎ wine before it's time! OK, it's time.

Topics: Wine, Drink

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Topics: Funny Inspirational, People, Care

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Topics: Funny, Family, Beauty, Surgeons, Plastic Surgeons

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Witty

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only, when the hostess has only twelve chops.

Topics: Twelve, Tables, Unlucky, Hostesses

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Laughter, Innuendo, Funny Jokes

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Topics: Funny, Life, Clever, Being Sarcastic, Dark Sarcasm

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Topics: Funny, Laughter, Children

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

source: - "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Funny, Life, Fake People, Secret Life, Dealing With Life

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Topics: Hate, Book, Thinking, Lettuce, Instant Coffee

Time wounds all heels.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Life

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Topics: Funny, Crazy, Silly

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Topics: Funny, Crazy, Inspiration

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Crazy, Adverse, Dark Sarcasm

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Topics: Funny, Peace, Crazy, Military Intelligence

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Topics: Funny, Sexy, Judging, Funny Sex, Anatomy

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Topics: Funny, Peace, Crazy, Justice Denied, American Justice

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Topics: Birthday, Funny Life, Inspiration

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Topics: Funny, Happiness, Witty

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Inspiration, Grouches

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.

Topics: Hard Times, Society, Prosperity

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Topics: Monday, Inspiration, Humorous

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

Topics: Baby, Husband, Humorous, Cursing, Unsuspecting

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

Topics: Animal, Vegetarian

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

source: - "Fictional character: Rufus T. Firefly". "Duck Soup", www.imdb.com. 1933.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Crazy, Grouches, 1930s

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Topics: Design, Fool, Impossible, Ingenious, Foolproof

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

Topics: Fun, Having Fun, Ifs

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

Topics: Two, Needs, Plans

What have future generations ever done for us?

Topics: Generations, Done, Future Generation

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

Topics: God, Art, Stupidity

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

Topics: Inspirational, Morning, Feel Better

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

Topics: People, Excess, Poverty, Inhuman

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

Topics: Fun, Disagree

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

source: - Groucho Marx (2017). “Groucho and Me”, p.238, Pickle Partners Publishing

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

Topics: Speak, Worthwhile, Certain

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

source: - Horse Feathers (motion picture) (1932). Screenplay by Will B. Johnstone, Bert Kalmar, S. J. Perelman, and Harry Ruby.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

Topics: Brother, Inspiration, Thinking

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.

Topics: Sex, Persons

Budget: a way of going broke methodically

Topics: Inspiration, Way, Broke

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

Topics: People, House, Watches, Living Room

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Topics: Love, Marriage, People, Marriage Advice, Marriage Advice For Newlyweds

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

Topics: Funny, Wisdom, Witty

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

Topics: Lucky, Growing, Ifs

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Topics: Funny, Life, Work, Extreme Poverty, Grouches

Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

source: - "Fictional character: Rufus T. Firefly". "Duck Soup", www.imdb.com. 1933.

Topics: Talking, Office, Tears, Office Buildings, Phonograph

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

source: - Groucho Marx (2000). “The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx”, Vintage

Topics: Inspiration, Hands, Wish, Making History

Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

Topics: Light, Cracks, Celebrate

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

Topics: Honesty, Two, Fake, Important Words

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Men

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Topics: Funny, Happiness, Money

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

source: - Groucho Marx (2009). “Groucho And Me”, p.28, Da Capo Press

Topics: Funny, Witty, Crazy, Old Age Humor, Wise Age

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.

Topics: Organization, People, Clubs

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

Topics: Inspiration, Firsts, Answers, Will You Marry Me

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

Topics: Men, Want, Garbage

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Topics: Positive, Good Morning, Happiness, Make Someone Happy, You Make Me Happy

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Topics: Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

Women should be obscene, not heard.

Topics: Should, Heard, Obscene

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

Topics: Self, Love To Read, Self Inflicted

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Topics: Differences, Judging, Slime

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

source: - "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Inspirational, Kids, Air

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face

Topics: Inspiration, Kissing, Faces

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

Topics: Two, Dinner, Firsts

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

source: - Groucho Marx (2000). “The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx”, Vintage

Topics: Believe, Up Early, Bed

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

source: - Duck Soup (motion picture) (1933). Screenplay by Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby.

Topics: Running, Children, Years

I shall drink no #‎ wine before it's time! OK, it's time.

Topics: Wine, Drink

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Topics: Funny, Mothers Day, Children, Funny Mothers Day

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

source: - "Fictional character: Groucho". "Monkey Business", www.imdb.com. 1931.

Topics: Inspiration, Mean, Fleas, Lodges

Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

source: - Groucho Marx (2000). “The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx”, Vintage

Topics: Dirty, Thinking, Stories

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

source: - "Fictional character: Captain Jeffrey Spaulding". "Animal Crackers", www.imdb.com. 1930.

Topics: Hello, Animal Crackers, Glad

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

source: - At the Circus (motion picture) (1939). Screenplay by Irving Brecher.

Topics: Agreement, Law, Practice

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

source: - "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Marriage, Retirement, Wife, Hearing Aids

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

source: - Groucho Marx (2000). “The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx”, Vintage

Topics: Tape, Adhesive, Prevention, Bandages

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

Topics: Sex, Awards, Government, Sold Out, Carnegie

The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It's been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven't got a camel, but I think it's a great idea.

Topics: Giving Up, Thinking, Ideas

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Topics: Funny, Sarcastic, Thinking

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

Topics: Football, Team, Nfl

Always examine the dice.

source: - Groucho Marx (2007). “The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx”, p.13, Simon and Schuster

Topics: Life, Dice

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much

Topics: Inspiration, Trying, Offers

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

source: - Groucho Marx (2000). “The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx”, Vintage

Topics: Inspiration, Long, Wish

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

Topics: Inspiration, Way, My Way

Humor is reason gone mad.

source: - "Rob Zombie Directing Oren Moverman-Scripted Groucho Marx Biopic" by Kevin Jagernauth, www.indiewire.com. June 18, 2015.

Topics: Laughter, Inspiration, Humor

Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Strike off your chains! Strike up the band! Strike three you're out! Remember, there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, now and forever. One and individual. One for all and all for me, and tea for two and six for a quarter.

Topics: Wisdom, Two, Forever, Wage Slaves, Saturday Evening

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

source: - "Fictional character: Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff". "Horse Feathers", www.imdb.com. 1932.

Topics: Inspiration, Thinking, Waiting

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

source: - Groucho Marx (2007). “The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx”, p.48, Simon and Schuster

Topics: Inspiration, Writing, Mail

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Topics: Funny, Life, Witty

Blood's not thicker than money.

Topics: Funny, Money, Inspiration

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

Topics: Wall, Inspiration, Years, Brokers

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while

Topics: Inspiration, Whales, Used, Jonah

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

source: - "Fictional character: Otis B. Driftwood". "A Night at the Opera", www.imdb.com. 1935.

Topics: Inspiration, Insulting, Looks

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

Topics: Funny, Crazy, Silly

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

Topics: Women, Hair, Oil, Pints

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

source: - Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.192, Da Capo Press

Topics: Funny, Husband, Humorous, Fling, French Bread

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

source: - Monkey Business (motion picture) (1931). Screenplay by Will B. Johnstone and S. J. Perelman.

Topics: Love, Funny, Witty, Innuendo

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you

Topics: Beautiful, Inspiration, Beautiful Women, Animal Crackers

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.

source: - "Fictional character: Hammer". "The Cocoanuts", www.imdb.com. 1929.

Topics: Inspiration, Rooms, Blanket, Your Room

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Topics: Funny, Crazy, Silly

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

source: - "Fictional character: S. Quentin Quale". "Go West", www.imdb.com. 1940.

Topics: Drinking, Inspiration, Alcohol

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

source: - Groucho Marx (2007). “The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx”, p.211, Simon and Schuster

Topics: Inspiration, Ends, Vulture

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

source: - "Fictional character: Ronald Kornblow". A Night in Casablanca, 1946.

Topics: Girl, Inspiration, Able, Pin Up, Pin Up Girl

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

Topics: Funny, Girl, Crazy, Animal Crackers

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous, Phonograph

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me

Topics: Husband, Inspiration, Years

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

source: - "Fictional character: Rufus T. Firefly". "Duck Soup", 1933.

Topics: Brother, Father, Years, Open Arms, Father And Brother

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

source: - Monkey Business (motion picture) (1931). Screenplay by Will B. Johnstone and S. J. Perelman.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Insult

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

Topics: Inspiration, Turkeys, Two

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

Topics: Believe, Earthquakes, Smog

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.

Topics: Country, Clubs, Lows, Country Clubs

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove

Topics: Inspiration, Kitchen, Hot, Stoves, Bending Over

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

source: - "Fictional character: Captain Jeffrey Spaulding". "Animal Crackers", August 20, 1930.

Topics: Retirement, Work, Age, Retired Teacher, Retirement Farewell

Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

source: - Groucho Marx (2007). “The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx”, p.62, Simon and Schuster

Topics: Life, Remember, Neighbor, Grass Is Always Greener, Greener

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

source: - Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.88, Da Capo Press

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous, Promiscuous

Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.

Topics: Home, Differences, Wife

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?

source: - "Fictional character: Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff". "Horse Feathers", www.imdb.com. 1932.

Topics: Inspiration, Pieces, Breakdown

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

source: - "Fictional character: Dr. Hackenbush". "A Day at the Races", www.imdb.com. 1937.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

Topics: Wall, Inspiration, Animal, Lodges, Moose

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

source: - Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.132, Da Capo Press

Topics: Funny, Humorous, Gambling

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Topics: Inspiration, Poetry, September 11

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

source: - "Fictional character: Captain Jeffrey Spaulding". "Animal Crackers", www.imdb.com. 1930.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

source: - Groucho Marx, Richard J. Anobile (1973). “The Marx Bros. Scrapbook”, Crown Publishing Group (NY)

Topics: Funny, Girl, Witty

Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

source: - Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.198, Da Capo Press

Topics: House, Lovely, Underestimate, Lovely Things

But what makes wage slaves? Wages!

source: - "Fictional character: Hammer". "The Cocoanuts", www.imdb.com. 1929.

Topics: Inspiration, Wages, Slave, Wage Slaves

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old

Topics: Inspiration, Games, Play, Old Maids

Mrs. Teasdale congratulates him on his coronation and sovereignty: "The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you." Firefly replies: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more."

Topics: Country, Eye, Firefly, Gals, Coronation

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

Topics: Drinking, Inspiration, Men