W. C. Fields Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

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“Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Sex
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Witty #Humorous
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Inspirational #Funny #Life
“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Dazzle #Bulls #Brilliance
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Love #Inspirational #Life
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Witty #Clever
“I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.”
-- W. C. Fields

#New Year #Home #Worry
“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Crazy #Doubt #Degrees
“Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Inspirational #Funny #Believe
“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Drinking #Lunch #Comedy
“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Sarcastic #Money
“Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas”
-- W. C. Fields

#Religious #Xmas #Prayer
“I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Gambling #Alcohol #Other Half
“I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Strong #Drinking #Exercise
“Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Beautiful #Drinking #Sleep
“Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Heart #Worry #Long
“The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Hands #Eels #Water
“I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Cute
“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Beautiful #Wine #Blonde
“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Witty #Hunting
“Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Laughing #People #Purpose
“My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Baby #Health #Doctors
“It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Men #Justice #World
“I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?”
-- W. C. Fields

#Food #Water #Rust
“I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Beer #Water #Alcohol
“Ain't fit for man nor beast”
-- W. C. Fields

#Men #Fit #Beast
“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Christmas #Drinking #House
“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Feet #House #Littles
“A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Christmas #Merry Christmas #Two
“So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.”
-- W. C. Fields

#Simple #Long #Swallowing

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