W. C. Fields famous quotes

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Sex

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Witty #Humorous

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
-- W. C. Fields

#Inspirational #Funny #Life

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
-- W. C. Fields

#Dazzle #Bulls #Brilliance

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
-- W. C. Fields

#Love #Inspirational #Life

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Witty #Clever

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
-- W. C. Fields

#New Year #Home #Worry

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
-- W. C. Fields

#Crazy #Doubt #Degrees

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
-- W. C. Fields

#Inspirational #Funny #Believe

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
-- W. C. Fields

#Drinking #Lunch #Comedy

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Sarcastic #Money

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
-- W. C. Fields

#Religious #Xmas #Prayer

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
-- W. C. Fields

#Gambling #Alcohol #Other Half

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
-- W. C. Fields

#Strong #Drinking #Exercise

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
-- W. C. Fields

#Beautiful #Drinking #Sleep

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
-- W. C. Fields

#Heart #Worry #Long

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
-- W. C. Fields

#Hands #Eels #Water

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
-- W. C. Fields

#Cute

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
-- W. C. Fields

#Beautiful #Wine #Blonde

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Witty #Hunting

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
-- W. C. Fields

#Laughing #People #Purpose

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
-- W. C. Fields

#Baby #Health #Doctors

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
-- W. C. Fields

#Men #Justice #World

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
-- W. C. Fields

#Food #Water #Rust

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
-- W. C. Fields

#Beer #Water #Alcohol

Ain't fit for man nor beast
-- W. C. Fields

#Men #Fit #Beast

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
-- W. C. Fields

#Christmas #Drinking #House

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
-- W. C. Fields

#Feet #House #Littles

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
-- W. C. Fields

#Christmas #Merry Christmas #Two

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
-- W. C. Fields

#Simple #Long #Swallowing

I like children - fried.
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Witty #Children

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
-- W. C. Fields

#Inspirational #Confidence #Self Esteem

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
-- W. C. Fields

#Family #Men #My Family

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Crazy #Silly

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
-- W. C. Fields

#Milk #May #Cry

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
-- W. C. Fields

#Clever #Cat #Cheesy

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
-- W. C. Fields

#Father #Science #Experts

Never give a sucker an even break.
-- W. C. Fields

#Giving #Comedy #Break

I must have a drink of breakfast.
-- W. C. Fields

#Breakfast #Comedy #Drink

Never work with animals or children.
-- W. C. Fields

#Children #Animal

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
-- W. C. Fields

#Drinking #Funny Drinking #Living My Life

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
-- W. C. Fields

#Sex #Beer #People

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
-- W. C. Fields

#Humor #Men #Lazy

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
-- W. C. Fields

#Election #Vote

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
-- W. C. Fields

#Witty #Sunday #Thinking

I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.
-- W. C. Fields

#Beer #Drink

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
-- W. C. Fields

#Mom #Mother #Lawyer

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Horse #Crazy

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Humorous #Sleep

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-- W. C. Fields

#Children #Firsts #Tough

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Drinking #Book

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
-- W. C. Fields

#Nature #Night #Yards

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
-- W. C. Fields

#Water #Alcohol #Rust

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
-- W. C. Fields

#Travel #Book #Drinking

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
-- W. C. Fields

#Life #Swimming #Remember

I drink therefore I am.
-- W. C. Fields

#Funny #Clever #Drinking

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
-- W. C. Fields

#Inspirational #Motivational #Attitude

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
-- W. C. Fields

#Food #Drinking #Beer