Witty famous quotes
04-23-2025
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I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
-- A. J. Liebling -
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-- Abraham Lincoln -
No man is good enough to govern another man without the other's consent.
-- Abraham Lincoln -
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
-- Adlai E. Stevenson -
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop -
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
-- Al Gore -
We fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as beautiful, intelligent, and witty as we are ugly, stupid, and dull. But what if such a perfect being should one day turn around and decide they will love us back? We can only be somewhat shocked-how can they be as wonderful as we had hoped when they have the bad taste to approve of someone like us?
-- Alain de Botton -
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
-- Alan King -
It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.
-- Albert Camus -
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
-- Albert Einstein -
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein -
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
-- Albert Einstein -
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
-- Albert Einstein -
The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.
-- Albert Einstein -
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
-- Albert Einstein -
An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.
-- Aldous Huxley -
One of the less vaunted joys of Austen is that she is one of the greatest writers in the English language who also happened to write witty romance novels. Women enjoy the love stories in Austen the same way men read Hemingway for the hunting and fishing: it provides guiltless pleasure.
-- Alessandra Stanley -
Grave authors say, and witty poets sing, That honest wedlock is a glorious thing.
-- Alexander Pope -
What I need is a woman who is something, anything: either very beautiful or very kind or in the last resort very wicked; very witty or very stupid, but something.
-- Alfred de Musset -
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
-- Alfred Hitchcock -
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth -
A good church is a Bible-centered church. Nothing is as important as this--not a large congregation, a witty pastor, or tangible experiences of the Holy Spirit.
-- Alistair Begg -
The covers of this book are too far apart.
-- Ambrose Bierce -
To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it.
-- Andre Maurois -
Every time a message seems to grab us, and we think, 'I just might try it,' we are at the nexus of choice and persuasion that is advertising.
-- Andrew Hacker -
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
-- Andrew Marvell -
It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
-- Andy Borowitz -
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
-- Andy Rooney -
When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships.
-- Andy Warhol -
Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.
-- Angela Lambert -
And they're [Coen brothers] so smart, they're so witty, they have such an extraordinary way of communicating with an audience in a such a clean way - with just a few lines or just a gesture from a character, they say so much.
-- Angelina Jolie -
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
-- Angie Dickinson -
The naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie.
-- Ann Landers -
Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training.
-- Anna Freud -
My main problem is that over and over again, I try to get all my characters to say stuff that I think is so witty or erudite you know, so that everybody will go.
-- Anne Lamott -
I feel like there's an obsession with pace right now in theater, with things being very fast and very witty and very loud, and I think we're all so freaked out about theater keeping audiences interested because everybody's so freaked out about theater becoming irrelevant.
-- Annie Baker -
Generally speaking, there is more wit than talent in the world. Society swarms with witty people who lack talent.
-- Antoine Rivarol -
The only stable state is the one in which all men are equal before the law.
-- Aristotle -
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
-- Aristotle -
Democracy arises out of the notion that those who are equal in any respect are equal in all respects; because men are equally free, they claim to be absolutely equal.
-- Aristotle -
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
-- Aristotle Onassis -
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger -
Yet as I cast my eye over the whole course of science I behold instances of false science, even more pretentious and popular than that of Einstein gradually fading into ineptitude under the searchlight; and I have no doubt that there will arise a new generation who will look with a wonder and amazement, deeper than now accompany Einstein, at our galaxy of thinkers, men of science, popular critics, authoritative professors and witty dramatists, who have been satisfied to waive their common sense in view of Einstein's absurdities.
-- Arthur Lynch -
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
-- Arthur Schopenhauer -
Before the Internet, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.
-- Ashish Chauhan -
Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant -
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
-- Auguste Rodin -
Truth, when witty, is the wittiest of all things.
-- Augustus Hare -
Government 'help' to business is just as disastrous as government persecution... the only way a government can be of service to national prosperity is by keeping its hands off.
-- Ayn Rand -
You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.
-- Ayn Rand -
A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving.
-- Ayn Rand -
When our government is spoken of as some menacing, threatening, foreign entity, it ignores the fact that in our democracy, government is us
-- Barack Obama -
Before we get too depressed about the state of our politics, let's remember our history ..... Many forms of Government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. What is amazing, is that despite all the conflict, our experiment in democracy has worked better than any form of government on earth
-- Barack Obama -
You have to love your children unselfishly. That's hard. But it's the only way.
-- Barbara Bush -
Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.
-- Barbara Cartland -
My senior year of high school, I was voted Wittiest. So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.
-- Barbara Park -
If I freely may discover What should please me in my lover, I would have her fair and witty, Savouring more of court than city; A little proud, but full of pity; Light and humorous in her toying, Oft building hopes, and soon destroying, Long, but sweet in the enjoying; Neither too easy nor to hard; All extremes I would have barr'd.
-- Ben Jonson -
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
-- Benjamin Disraeli -
Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.
-- Benjamin Franklin -
We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.
-- Bernard Manning -
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
-- Bertrand Russell -
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
-- Bette Davis -
I am neither Christian enough nor charitable enough to like anybody just because he is alive and breathing. I want people to interest or amuse me. I want them fascinating and witty or so dul as to be different. I want them either intellectually stimulating or wonderfully corny; perfectly charming or hundred percent stinker. I like my chosen companions to be distinguishable from the undulating masses and I don't care how.
-- Betty MacDonald -
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.
-- Bill Hicks -
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
-- Bill Maher -
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
-- Bill Vaughan -
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
-- Billy Connolly -
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
-- Billy Connolly -
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
-- Billy Connolly -
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
-- Billy Connolly -
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
-- Billy Joel -
My philosophy towards life is to enjoy it to the fullest and have fun. I am one of those 'laugh-out-loud' kinds. I am quirky, yet witty.
-- Bipasha Basu -
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup -
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
-- Bob Dylan -
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
-- Bob Hope -
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
-- Bob Hope -
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
-- Bob Hope -
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
-- Brooke Shields -
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
-- Calvin Coolidge -
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
-- Carl Jung -
It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
-- Carl Sagan -
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
-- Carl von Clausewitz -
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
-- Carol Burnett -
It's very witty and it's great to see teenage characters have control that way. And you can actually hear about sex and pot and it's okay, it's not completely bad and you can't say that to teenagers.
-- Caroline Dhavernas -
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
-- Casey Stengel -
Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
-- Cathy Guisewite -
I didn't like parties.I didn't know how to dance and people frightened me, especially people at parties. They attempted to be sexy and gay and witty and although they hoped they were good at it, they weren 't. They were bad at it. Their trying so hard only made it worse.
-- Charles Bukowski -
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
-- Charles de Gaulle -
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.
-- Charles de Gaulle -
I wouldn't even dare read the Torah, let alone attempt a witty observation on the Torah.
-- Charles Grodin
