Andy Borowitz quotes
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“As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 06, 2012
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“Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Sep 18, 2012
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“The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 13, 2012
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“Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 18, 2012
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“Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
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“Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Apr 18, 2012
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“Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 09, 2012
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“If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jun 28, 2012
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“On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"”
-- Andy Borowitz -
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“NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
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“I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Feb 05, 2012
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“Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them”
-- Andy Borowitz -
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“It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Feb 25, 2012
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“The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
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“Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Feb 11, 2012
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“Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Aug 29, 2011
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“Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
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“As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Nov 27, 2012
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“Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
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“Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.”
-- Andy BorowitzSource : FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Sep 21, 2011
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“Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
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“Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.”
-- Andy Borowitz -
“Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.”
-- Andy Borowitz
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