Andy Rooney quotes

  • If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Love #Happiness #Smile

  • Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Sodium #Nazi #Made

  • The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Inspirational #Dog #Silly

  • If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Goes On #Internet #Mets

  • Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Inspirational #Happiness #Business

  • Where some people may see loving grandparents, I see a pair of feckless ***** who can't drive, take way too long to shop, and don't even have the most basic grasps on the new technology. As a staunch supporter of the principles of Darwinism, I think that advances in modern medicine are starting to overrule the survival of the fittest, and it's to our [youngers'] detriment.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Technology #Thinking #Medicine

  • People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Believe #People #Facts

  • If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Happiness #Inspiring #Time

  • Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Teacher #People #Literature

  • I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Shells #Want #Appreciated

  • Being kind is more important than being right.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Important #Be Kind #Kind

  • I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Atheist #Believe #Thinking

  • the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Education #Elderly #Feet

  • Elephants and grandchildren never forget.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Grandmother #Grandchildren #Elephants

  • I just wish this social institution [religion] wasnt based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isnt true.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Wish #Hoaxes #Social

  • A writer's job is to tell the truth.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Jobs #Telling The Truth

  • I can't choose how i feel. But i can choose what I do about it.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Feels

  • I've learned ... that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Marriage #Falling In Love #Perfect

  • We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Cousin #Atheist #Smart

  • I've learned... that just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Appreciation #Made

  • Age is nothing but experience, and some of us are more experienced than others
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Age #Experience

  • Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Christian #Religious #Ideas

  • I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Literature #Pick Me #Subjects

  • The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Hate #Army #Men

  • I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Children #Should

  • I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Heart #Hands #Needs

  • You can't be a good writer without being a good thinker.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Writing #Thinker

  • Death is a distant rumor to the young.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Death #Humor #Rumor

  • We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #People #Boss #Needs

  • The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Confidence #Blessed #Doors

  • Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Hands #Doe #Literature

  • Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #People #Might #Opinion

  • I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Opportunity #Missing

  • I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Matter #Serious #Needs

  • The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Music #Air #Careers

  • I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Writing #Retiring

  • I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Grandchildren #Fists #Littles

  • I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Time Heals #Wounds

  • I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #People #Way

  • My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Mother #Littles #Bones

  • Those to whom his word was revealed were always alone in some remote place, like Moses. There wasn't anyone else around when Mohammed got the word either. Mormon Joseph Smith and Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, had exclusive audiences with God. We have to trust them as reporters--and you know how reporters are. They'll do anything for a story.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Christian #Religion #Atheism

  • When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Want #Peppers #Ask Me

  • Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Food #Half #Eating

  • Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #News #Literature #Fine

  • Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Towns #Napkins #Never Trust

  • I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Atheist #Believe #Astrology

  • The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Fitness #Book #Two

  • Why am I an atheist? I ask you: Why is anybody not an atheist? Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated. I resent anyone pushing their religion on me. I don't push my atheism on anybody else. Live and let live. Not many people practice that when it comes to religion.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Atheist #Practice #People

  • I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Docks #Bitterness

  • Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Sweet #Keeping Your Word #Cases

  • The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Book #Loss #Cooks

  • Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Powerful #Writing #Retiring

  • It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Funny Life #Ideas #Long

  • I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Funny Life #Age #Lucky

  • I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Food #Thinking #Cooking

  • If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Dog #Fun #Pet

  • Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Happiness #Happy #Strikes

  • Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Witty #Work #Technology

  • Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Women #Smart #Yellow

  • If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Flower #Naps #Hands

  • Ugly is very popular this year...I had a feeling these clothes were deigned by someone who didn't like women.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Years #Clothes #Feelings

  • Let's face it, though, anything that's apt to happen to an appliance like a blender isn't covered by the warranty anyway, so I never send them in. If it breaks, I'll buy a new one. That's the American way.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Way #Faces #Modern Life

  • Before a kid learns how to use a computer that can solve mathematical problems, he or she should know how to do arithmetic without a computer.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Kids #Use #Computer

  • Numbers are the most certain things we have.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Numbers #Mathematics #Certain

  • I'd like to take some calculus, too. I have absolutely no ability in that direction and not much interest, either, but there's something going on in mathematics that I don't understand, and I'd like to find out what it is.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Mathematics #Calculus #Ability

  • Once you pass forty, a dime isn't worth bending over to pick up if you drop one.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Money #Dimes #Bending

  • When I write, I use an Underwood #5 made in 1920. Someone gave me an electric typewriter, but there's no use pretending you can use machinery that thinks faster than you do. An electric typewriter is ready to go before I have anything to say.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Writing #Thinking #Typewriters

  • In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Learning #Errors #Trial And Error

  • My advice is not to wait to be struck by an idea. If you're a writer, you sit down and damn well decide to have an idea. That's the way to get an idea.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Ideas #Waiting #Advice

  • American closets are filled with once-worn clothes that got a bad review from a friend on their first appearance.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Clothes #Firsts #Appearance

  • Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Atheist #Belief #Born

  • We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of lonliness. We need each other and we need to get away from each other. We need proximity and distance, conversation and silence. We almost always get more of each than we want at any one time.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Distance #Silence #Desire

  • If you put on an item of clothing that hurts just because you have an idea it looks better or conforms to what other people are wearing, it's dumb.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Hurt #Ideas #People

  • I like animals who trust people.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Animal #People

  • Soap, like people, shouldn't smell like anything.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Smell #People #Soap

  • We aren't consistent in our treatment of animals.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Animal #Treatment #Consistent

  • Art is a by-product of an honest and successful attempt to do something well.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Art #Successful #Honest

  • People like to say, "You're only as old as you feel," but it isn't true. It's just something old people say to make themselves feel good about their age. You're as old as you are.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #People #Feel Good #Age

  • By the time they're ready to be thrown away, most shoes are thoroughly comfortable
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Inspiration #Shoes #Ready

  • Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Night #Zucchini #Doors

  • Looking and not finding is certainly one of the most frustrating ways to spend time.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Loss #Way #Frustrating

  • Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Rights #Speak #Equal Rights

  • Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they'll be okay if they're left alone.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Believe #Government #People

  • Don't you hate it when...your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Travel #Hate #Airplane

  • I'd like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Letters #Soap #Rich

  • Numbers tend to give the impression that there's more order in the world than there is.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Order #Numbers #Giving

  • No one likes the house next door to look worse or a lot better than his own.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Doors #House #Looks

  • Conservatives are more religious than liberals--although there is no evidence that they're nicer people because of it.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Religious #People #Evidence

  • I never understood retirement. What is the attraction of retirement? I go down there to Florida and look around and I said, my God, who wants this? Not me.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Retirement #Florida #Looks

  • Almost all of us have an elevator or two in our lives somewhere. We wait for them, we ride on them. We're annoyed by the wait but pleased with the lift.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Two #Annoyed #Waiting

  • I try to look nice. I comb my hair, I tie my tie, I put on a jacket, but I draw the line when it comes to trimming my eyebrows. You work with what you got.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Nice #Hair #Eyebrows

  • There are only a few safe targets left, just a few groups of people you can say anything negative about without getting in trouble for it. I've made a list of safe targets and I probably ought to stick to those. Politicians, for instance. You can say anything you want about them, and it doesn't matter how unfair you are. People seem to like it.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #People #Say Anything #Groups

  • The one affectation I have forced on the publisher ... are my apostrophe-free ellisions. Because I write my scripts to read myself, I dont spell 'don't' with an apostrophe. I spell it 'dont'. We all know the word and it seems foolish to put in an extraneous apostrophe. Punctuation marks are devices we use to make the meaning of sentences clear. There is nothing confusing about a word like 'dont' printed without an apostrophe to indicate an omitted letter.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Writing #Confusing #Use

  • I like Valentine's Day. The trouble is the florists and the candy-makers and the card people are all advertising so much, you don't dare let the day go by without making an offering, whether you mean it or not. Money exceeds affection.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Valentine #Mean #Offering

  • People waiting for an elevator don't know what to do, standing with strangers. There is nothing to do. Its an uneasy time. Some press the button repeatedly as though it would help.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #People #Waiting #Buttons

  • I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you -- the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Country #Mean #Patriotic

  • I just sat there looking at television, sort of dumb and thought how horrible it was. I had -- the grand aspects of it did not occur to me -- I had no notion of this terrorist network that existed. I knew the were a lot of people in the world who didn't like us, but I had no idea that it was as well organized as it apparently is. That's one of the amazing facets of this terrible event: how well they did it. Incredible. The competence of these evil people.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Ideas #People #Evil

  • Republicans ... are conservatives who think it would be best if we faced the fact that people are no damned good. They think that if we admit that we have selfish, acquisitive natures and then set out to get all we can for ourselves by working hard for it, that things will be better for everyone. They are not insensitive to the poor, but tend to think the poor are impoverished because they won't work. They think there would be fewer of them to feel sorry for if the government did not encourage the proliferation of the least fit among us with welfare programs.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Sorry #Selfish #Thinking

  • Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Baseball #Gun #Thinking

  • Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
    -- Andy Rooney

    #Hunters #Vegetarian #Culinary