Dave Barry quotes

  • A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Inspirational #Motivational #Kindness

  • I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Children #Birth #Given

  • Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where they worship arrested development.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Dream #Depressing #Men

  • I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.
    -- Dave Barry

    #People #Lightning #Higher Power

  • Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Weed #Weapons #Way

  • I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Meaningful #Jobs #Real

  • Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Funny #Hilarious #Health

  • The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That we live in a world were women actually expect you to think thoughtful thoughts, and have real emotions, which we don't have. Having to try to live up to the imaginary ideal that women have of what men are, instead of just being what you are, which is just a pathetic creature, but still.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Real #Thoughtful #Simple

  • If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
    -- Dave Barry

    #Life And Love #Humor #Funny Work

  • Men have no cause to criticize women about the way they are about weddings. Because men are like that about sports, but it never ends. At least women, after the wedding, say it wasn't that big a deal and they're never going to look at the DVD again. Men never stop being crazy about sports.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Sports #Crazy #Men

  • The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Sports #Football #Winter

  • What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Perfect #World #Obsession

  • It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Funny #Hilarious #Witty

  • Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Animal #Looks #Orangutans

  • When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Leadership #Business #Crazy

  • In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!
    -- Dave Barry

    #Christmas #Christian #Atheist

  • Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Christmas #Wise #Stars

  • Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Education #Trying #Ark

  • You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!
    -- Dave Barry

    #Dog #Giving #Intelligence

  • What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Respect #Women #Funny Marriage

  • I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Children #Parent #Matter

  • As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Powerful #Government #Enemy

  • The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Brain #Nuclear #Television

  • The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Birthday #Sex #Eye

  • Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Business #Self #Organization

  • I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?
    -- Dave Barry

    #People #Mud #Sticks

  • Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Dog #Needs #News

  • We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Objectivity #Literature #Littles

  • Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
    -- Dave Barry

    #Jobs #Writing #Thinking

  • American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Funny #Humorous #America

  • If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Literature #Enough #Bigs

  • I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Respect #Funny Inspirational #Party

  • As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Marriage #Party #Talking

  • Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Mother #Groups #Hamburgers

  • Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Time #Dollars #Substance

  • Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Dog #Six #Tape

  • The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Government #Law #Focus

  • European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Soccer #Use #Paper

  • If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Music #Song #Blood

  • There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Men #Phones #Sea

  • Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Drinking #Book #Beer

  • I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Basketball #Past #Years

  • The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right here in the United States.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Fun #United States #Location

  • Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Fun #Moving #Men

  • All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required".
    -- Dave Barry

    #Fall #Dark #Lobster

  • It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to ***** addicts. I bet that when serious ***** addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Coffee #Views #Order

  • The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Baby #Grandmother #Florida

  • A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Laughter #Anxiety #World

  • If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon
    -- Dave Barry

    #Hilarious #Military #Believe

  • In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Beer #Shoes #Balls

  • Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages
    -- Dave Barry

    #Inspirational Life #Years #People

  • I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Music #Hate #Rap

  • Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Smart #Mean #Cat

  • Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, 'You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.'
    -- Dave Barry

    #Exercise #Speech #Snickers

  • In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Doe #Tests #Aptitude

  • Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Jobs #Writing #Training

  • There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Ocean #Sea #Missing

  • You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Baby #Boys #Thinking

  • Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Writing #Despair #Elements

  • It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta
    -- Dave Barry

    #Income #Funny Money #Form

  • Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Technology #People #Problem

  • Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)
    -- Dave Barry

    #Mean #Technology #Doubt

  • I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Book #Reading #Reading Books

  • And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Travel #Memorable #Forever

  • The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Baby #Sarcasm #Men

  • The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Funny #Mean #Literature

  • Far too often, we fathers avoid the subject because it's so awkward. The subject I am referring to is: buying gifts for women. This is an area where many men do not have a clue. Exhibit A was my father, who was a very thoughtful man, but who once gave my mother, on their anniversary, the following token of his love, his commitment, and-yes-his passion for her: an electric blanket.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Fathers Day #Mother #Passion

  • Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Coffee #Ice Cream #Cake

  • Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Witty #Powerful #Reality

  • My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Games #Pieces #Literature

  • The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Trust #Lakes #Sea

  • I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Children #Believe #College

  • The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Fashion #Humorous #Failure

  • Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Inspiration #Reality #Camping

  • Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Inspirational #Funny #Sports

  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Lakes #Sea #Fishing

  • Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Sports #Fun #Tree

  • To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Technology #Needs #Looks

  • The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Funny #Witty #Block

  • The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Birthday #Simple #Men

  • I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Technology #Purpose #Use

  • Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Falling In Love #Fall #Gravity

  • Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Christmas #Religious #Holiday

  • Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Girly #Simple #Men

  • Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Science #Metrics #Bullets

  • The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Inspirational #Birthday #Believe

  • The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Communication #Technology #Waiting

  • You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Cute #Birthday #Teenage

  • Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Guy #Literature #Assuming

  • Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Technology #Men #Answers

  • Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Oregon #Gdp #Literature

  • Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Dog #Cat #Trying

  • For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).
    -- Dave Barry

    #Loss #Meals #Use

  • When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Home #Winter #Beer

  • It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick
    -- Dave Barry

    #Sick #Healthy #Rich

  • A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Children #Perfect #Parent

  • Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Funny #Life #Humorous

  • To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Inspirational #Funny #Teenage

  • We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Country #Scotland #America

  • Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors.
    -- Dave Barry

    #Dog #Cat #Wish