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“A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.”
-- Dave Barry
#Inspirational #Motivational #Kindness
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“I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.”
-- Dave Barry
#Children #Birth #Given
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“Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where they worship arrested development.”
-- Dave Barry
#Dream #Depressing #Men
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“I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.”
-- Dave Barry
#People #Lightning #Higher Power
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“Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.”
-- Dave Barry
#Weed #Weapons #Way
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“I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.”
-- Dave Barry
#Meaningful #Jobs #Real
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“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
-- Dave Barry
#Funny #Hilarious #Health
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“The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That we live in a world were women actually expect you to think thoughtful thoughts, and have real emotions, which we don't have. Having to try to live up to the imaginary ideal that women have of what men are, instead of just being what you are, which is just a pathetic creature, but still.”
-- Dave Barry
#Real #Thoughtful #Simple
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“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'”
-- Dave Barry
#Life And Love #Humor #Funny Work
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“Men have no cause to criticize women about the way they are about weddings. Because men are like that about sports, but it never ends. At least women, after the wedding, say it wasn't that big a deal and they're never going to look at the DVD again. Men never stop being crazy about sports.”
-- Dave Barry
#Sports #Crazy #Men
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“The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.”
-- Dave Barry
#Sports #Football #Winter
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“What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day.”
-- Dave Barry
#Perfect #World #Obsession
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“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.”
-- Dave Barry
#Funny #Hilarious #Witty
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“Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.”
-- Dave Barry
#Animal #Looks #Orangutans
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“When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.”
-- Dave Barry
#Leadership #Business #Crazy
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“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!”
-- Dave Barry
#Christmas #Christian #Atheist
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“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”
-- Dave Barry
#Christmas #Wise #Stars
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“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.”
-- Dave Barry
#Education #Trying #Ark
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“You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!”
-- Dave Barry
#Dog #Giving #Intelligence
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“What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.”
-- Dave Barry
#Respect #Women #Funny Marriage
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“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
-- Dave Barry
#Children #Parent #Matter
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“As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.”
-- Dave Barry
#Powerful #Government #Enemy
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“The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.”
-- Dave Barry
#Brain #Nuclear #Television
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“The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.”
-- Dave Barry
#Birthday #Sex #Eye
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“Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.”
-- Dave Barry
#Business #Self #Organization
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“I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?”
-- Dave Barry
#People #Mud #Sticks
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“Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.”
-- Dave Barry
#Dog #Needs #News
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“We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.”
-- Dave Barry
#Objectivity #Literature #Littles
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“Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!”
-- Dave Barry
#Jobs #Writing #Thinking
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“American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.”
-- Dave Barry
#Funny #Humorous #America
