Dave Barry Quotes:

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

source: - Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

Topics: Inspirational, Motivational, Kindness, Waiter, Social Interaction

I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.

Topics: Children, Birth, Given

Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where they worship arrested development.

Topics: Dream, Depressing, Men

I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.

Topics: People, Lightning, Higher Power

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

Topics: Weed, Weapons, Way

I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.

Topics: Meaningful, Jobs, Real, Real Jobs

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Topics: Funny, Hilarious, Health, Funny Sleep, Sleeping Pills

The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That we live in a world were women actually expect you to think thoughtful thoughts, and have real emotions, which we don't have. Having to try to live up to the imaginary ideal that women have of what men are, instead of just being what you are, which is just a pathetic creature, but still.

Topics: Real, Thoughtful, Simple, Labradors, Real Emotion

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

source: - Dave Barry (1999). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Random House Digital, Inc.

Topics: Life And Love, Humor, Funny Work, Work Humor, Business Meeting

Men have no cause to criticize women about the way they are about weddings. Because men are like that about sports, but it never ends. At least women, after the wedding, say it wasn't that big a deal and they're never going to look at the DVD again. Men never stop being crazy about sports.

Topics: Sports, Crazy, Men

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Topics: Sports, Football, Winter, Funny Sports, Winter Cold

What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day.

Topics: Perfect, World, Obsession, Perfect Days

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Topics: Funny, Hilarious, Witty, Cholesterol, Body Temperature

Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.

Topics: Animal, Looks, Orangutans, Soulful

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

source: - Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

Topics: Leadership, Business, Crazy, Funny Leadership

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!

Topics: Christmas, Christian, Atheist, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Eve

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

Topics: Christmas, Wise, Stars, Parking Lot, Christmas Time

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Topics: Education, Trying, Ark, Large Groups

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!

Topics: Dog, Giving, Intelligence, Puppies And Dogs, Great Dog

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

Topics: Respect, Women, Funny Marriage, World Series, Women Want

As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.

Topics: Powerful, Government, Enemy, Common Enemy

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

Topics: Brain, Nuclear, Television, Generator

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Topics: Birthday, Sex, Eye, Eye Color, Unique Characteristics

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

Topics: Business, Self, Organization, Self Indulgent

I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?

Topics: People, Mud, Sticks, Productive Work

Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.

Topics: Dog, Needs, News, Cat Dog, Dog Training

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Topics: Objectivity, Literature, Littles

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Topics: Jobs, Writing, Thinking

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Topics: Funny, Humorous, America

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

Topics: Literature, Enough, Bigs

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Topics: Respect, Funny Inspirational, Party, Steers, Winning An Argument

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.

Topics: Marriage, Party, Talking, Embarassing

Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.

Topics: Mother, Groups, Hamburgers, Mother Nature

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

Topics: Time, Dollars, Substance, Velcro

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

Topics: Dog, Six, Tape, Remote Control, Duct Tape

The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.

Topics: Government, Law, Focus, Systems Of Government, Tax System

European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

Topics: Soccer, Use, Paper, Toilet Paper, Roofing

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies.

source: - Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

Topics: Music, Song, Blood, Middle Aged, Blood Type

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.

Topics: Men, Phones, Sea

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Topics: Drinking, Book, Beer, Ale, Funny Sarcastic

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

Topics: Basketball, Past, Years, Dunking, Funny Basketball

The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right here in the United States.

Topics: Fun, United States, Location, Funny Journey

Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it.

Topics: Fun, Moving, Men, Brave Women

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required".

Topics: Fall, Dark, Lobster, Rotary

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to ***** addicts. I bet that when serious ***** addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles.

source: - Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.126, Ballantine Books

Topics: Coffee, Views, Order, Inhumane, Morning Coffee

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

Topics: Laughter, Anxiety, World

If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon

Topics: Hilarious, Military, Believe, Greeting Card

In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer.

Topics: Beer, Shoes, Balls, Bowling Alleys, Brewing Beer

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages

Topics: Inspirational Life, Years, People, Spoken Language, Language Culture

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

Topics: Music, Hate, Rap, Angry Man

Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.

Topics: Smart, Mean, Cat

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, 'You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.'

Topics: Exercise, Speech, Snickers, Department, Diet And Exercise

In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.

Topics: Doe, Tests, Aptitude, Aptitude Test, Scholastics

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

Topics: Jobs, Writing, Training

There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.

Topics: Ocean, Sea, Missing, Scuba, Ocean Sea

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Topics: Baby, Boys, Thinking

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.

Topics: Writing, Despair, Elements

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta

Topics: Income, Funny Money, Form, Income Tax, Taxes Funny

Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.

Topics: Technology, People, Problem, Hardware

Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

Topics: Mean, Technology, Doubt

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

Topics: Book, Reading, Reading Books, Lawsuit

And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.

Topics: Travel, Memorable, Forever, Scar Tissue

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

Topics: Baby, Sarcasm, Men, Having A Baby

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Topics: Funny, Mean, Literature

Far too often, we fathers avoid the subject because it's so awkward. The subject I am referring to is: buying gifts for women. This is an area where many men do not have a clue. Exhibit A was my father, who was a very thoughtful man, but who once gave my mother, on their anniversary, the following token of his love, his commitment, and-yes-his passion for her: an electric blanket.

Topics: Fathers Day, Mother, Passion, Electric Blankets, Very Thoughtful

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Topics: Coffee, Ice Cream, Cake, Chewing, Rice Cakes

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Topics: Witty, Powerful, Reality, Magnetism

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Topics: Games, Pieces, Literature, Chess Pieces

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Topics: Trust, Lakes, Sea, Fins, Eyeballs

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Topics: Children, Believe, College, Being A Parent, Good College

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Topics: Fashion, Humorous, Failure, Leading Causes, Grate

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Topics: Inspiration, Reality, Camping, Motels

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Sports, Protestants, Inspirational Golf

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Topics: Lakes, Sea, Fishing, Catching Fish, Angling

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Topics: Sports, Fun, Tree, Outdoor Life, Skiers

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Topics: Technology, Needs, Looks, Personal Computers, Personal Grooming

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Block, Building Blocks, Gravel

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Topics: Birthday, Simple, Men, 50th Birthday

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Topics: Technology, Purpose, Use

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Topics: Falling In Love, Fall, Gravity, Zero Gravity

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Topics: Christmas, Religious, Holiday, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Time

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Topics: Girly, Simple, Men

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Topics: Science, Metrics, Bullets, Dodging Bullets, Metric System

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Topics: Inspirational, Birthday, Believe, Ethnic Background, Above Average

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Topics: Communication, Technology, Waiting, Single Relationship

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Topics: Cute, Birthday, Teenage, Mature And Immature, Rainstorms

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Topics: Guy, Literature, Assuming, Never Assume

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Topics: Technology, Men, Answers

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

Topics: Oregon, Gdp, Literature

Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.

Topics: Dog, Cat, Trying

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

Topics: Loss, Meals, Use, Toothpaste

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

Topics: Home, Winter, Beer, Brewing, Light Beer

It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick

Topics: Sick, Healthy, Rich

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

Topics: Children, Perfect, Parent, Perfect Parents, Child Rearing

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Topics: Funny, Life, Humorous, Stomping

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Teenage, Funny Parenting

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

Topics: Country, Scotland, America, Medical Care

Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors.

Topics: Dog, Cat, Wish, Kennedy Assassination

I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is asking for trouble. Most of them have had their boats sitting in their driveways long enough to be registered historical landmarks.

Topics: Water, Long, Historical, Driveway, Boars

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

source: - "Vegetable Magnetism" by Dave Barry, www.washingtonpost.com. March 17, 1991.

Topics: Fun, Drinking, Book, Ale, Lager

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

Topics: Golf, Balls, Literature, Golf Ball

Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.

Topics: Golf, Talking, Interesting, Carts

Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.

Topics: Irs, Rooms, Taxes, Federal Taxes

Don't emphasise money if you don't have much; be happy

Topics: Saving, Investment, Savings

What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem', can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo

Topics: Data, Ducks, Noise, Kazoos, Exchanging

Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.

Topics: War, Funny Thanksgiving, Years

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

Topics: Coffee, Views, People

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Topics: Movie, Art, Hands, Worst Movie, Hands And Feet

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Topics: Strong, Patriotic, Jail

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

source: - Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

Topics: Inspirational, Balance, Matter, Golden Mean

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Topics: Religious, Views, People, Religion And Politics, Religion And Government

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Topics: Book, Drinking, Eye, Electrons, Particles

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

Topics: Years, Nurse, Stronger, Fat Girl, Annuals

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club

source: - Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Turns Forty”, p.124, Ballantine Books

Topics: Country, Night, Fire, Celery, Management Skills

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Topics: Dog, Car, Pet, Spaniels, Inspirational Dog

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

Topics: Travel, Journey, Camping, Lewis And Clark, Expeditions

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Topics: Work, Farewell, Careers

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.

source: - Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down”, p.60, Ballantine Books

Topics: Hands, Years, Chocolate, Yummy, Funny Chocolate

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

source: - Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

Topics: Atheist, Humanity, Messages, Hairstyles, Cable Tv

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Topics: Silly, Book, Cute Life

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Topics: Running, Religious, Writing, Religious Love, Machetes

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Topics: Travel, Rain, Opportunity, Rainstorms, Raining Day

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

Topics: Zero, Smoking, Warning, Cigarette Smoke, Smoking Cigarettes

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.

Topics: Humorous, Mean, Sleep

It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.

Topics: Humorous, America, People

Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.

Topics: Humorous, Japan, People, Tokyo

Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.

Topics: Dog, Humorous, Thinking

Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your child." MY child just wants to eat the toys.

Topics: Baby, Children, Moving

Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports.

Topics: Baby, Children, Kids, Remote Control

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.

Topics: Baby, Children, Couple, Serious Business, Young Couples

Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."

Topics: Purpose, Trends, Advertising

The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor.

Topics: Humorous, Successful, Japan, Implementing

My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.

Topics: Funny Christmas, Giving, Wife

I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns.

Topics: Humorous, School, Gun, Fewer, High School Junior

Please try not to be such a wiener-head.

Topics: Sarcastic, Trying, Please

Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.

Topics: Jobs, Garden, Doe, Spring Garden, Spring Gardening

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

Topics: Dog, Humorous, Pet

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

Topics: Humorous, School, World, Cafeteria, Airline Food

Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff.

Topics: Queens, Fall, Acting, Beauty Queen

In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.

Topics: Running, Drinking, Beer

Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.

Topics: Mean, Needs, Warning, Operating Systems

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

Topics: War, Alcohol, Great Depression

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

Topics: Drinking, Beer, Rays, Brewers, Brewing Beer

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

Topics: Baby, Humorous, Japan

When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold on your lap and carry around. Zoologically speaking, these are not dogs at all; they are members of the pillow family.

Topics: Dog, Humorous, Animal, Bad Breath

Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven't had four beers.

Topics: Beer, Four

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

Topics: Humorous, School, Japan, Law School

If Charles Lindbergh, flying with no instruments other than a bologna sandwich, managed to cross the Atlantic and land safely on a runway completely covered with French people, why are today's airplanes, which are equipped with radar and computers and individualized liquor bottles, unable to cope with fog?

Topics: Humorous, Airplane, Fog, Bologna

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Topics: Powerful, Gossip, Force, Personal Finance, Compound Interest

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Topics: People, Age, Routine, Diet Coke, Medical Advances

Kids have *_____ never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.

Topics: Dad, Teenager, Taken, Sulking, Primates

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

Topics: Country, Humorous, People, Foreign Countries, Very Popular

At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the New York City subway. The other passengers would take it as a sign of weakness, and there'd be a fight over who got to keep your ears as a trophy.

Topics: New York, Humorous, Fighting, Rush Hour

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

Topics: Government, Entertainment, Function

Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.

Topics: Dog, Humorous, Trying

I feel that nasal spray is a wondrous medical achievement, because it is supposed to relieve nasal congestion, and by gadfrey, it relieves nasal congestion. What I'm saying is that it actually works, which is something you can say about very few other aspects of the medical establishment.

Topics: Humorous, Doctors, Medicine, Spray, Congestion

Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the size, weight, and handling characteristics of aircraft carriers but worse fuel efficiency.

Topics: Real, Humorous, Iron, Plymouth, Aircraft Carriers

There's an old saying among scientific guys: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane."

Topics: Funny, Science, Eggs, Cranes, Omelets

The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt.

Topics: Humorous, Thinking, America, Grabbing

I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene . . .

Topics: Sex, Vastness, Scene

Eventually everyone has to die, except Elvis.

In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats.

Topics: Softball, Team, Drinking, Swedish

It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting.

Topics: Would Be, Useless, Stamp Collecting

I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached, after traveling through Japan, as well as countless hours reading, studying, and analyzing this fascinating culture, is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase.

Topics: Reading, Japan, Cities, Shampoo

This (America) is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhatan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up next to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan.

Topics: Funny, Humorous, Land

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

Topics: Humorous, Doctors, Medicine, Tetanus

I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question ...

Topics: Humorous, Golf, Doctors

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.

Topics: Baby, Children, Humorous, Behavior Patterns

Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.

Topics: Baby, Children, Humorous, Peru

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

Topics: Humorous, Important, Culture, Beavers

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

Topics: Humorous, Japan, Fifteen, Crime Rates

The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.

Topics: Dog, Humorous, Animal

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.

Topics: Honesty, Men, Doors, American Business, Hardworking

We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though these cards is enough to remind you why this great nation, despite all the talk of decline, still leads the world in tranquilizer consumption.

Topics: Humorous, America, United States, Parallel Universe

All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book, these people are not responsible. In the end, there is only one person responsible for what I write, and that person, of course, is: Donald Trump.

Topics: Book, Reading, Writing

First, a few words about this title. It isn't easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible.

Topics: Book, Taken, Reading, Book Titles

It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to rent an apartment that could easily be carried on a commercial airline flight.

Topics: New York, Humorous, Cities

My current computer, in addition to 'DOS,' has 'Windows,' which is another invention of Bill Gates, designed as a security measure to thwart those users who are somehow able to get past DOS.

Topics: Past, Bills, Able, Security Measures

If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any "spare" change.

Topics: New York, Humorous, Helpful, Spare Change, Unsure

Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog that, if it takes an interest in your personal regions (which of course it does) you cannot fend it off with a blowtorch.

Topics: Dog, Humorous, Doe, Labradors, Bulletproof

If you have ever seen the movie Night of the Living Dead, you have a rough idea how modern corporations and organizations operate, with projects and proposals that everybody thought were killed constantly rising from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.

Topics: Night, Organization, Ideas, Night Of The Living Dead

The great thing about golf - and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it - you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.

Topics: Beer, Golf, Play

Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely until the train storms in, colorfully decorated, as is the tradition in New York, with the spray-painted initials of all the people it has run over.

Topics: Running, New York, Humorous

A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.

Topics: Literature, Genes, Type

Millions of Americans own dogs, because they are good-natured, simple, and easily amused. I am referring here to the Americans. The dogs are not exactly Mensa members either, but they definitely make better pets than tropical fish.

Topics: Dog, Simple, Lakes, Amused

The beer sold here in the United States is sweet and watery and lacking in taste and overcarbonated and just generally the lamest, wimpiest beer in the entire known world. All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

Topics: Sweet, Humorous, Drinking

The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.

Topics: Book, Lakes, Sea

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars.

Topics: Humorous, Numbers, Car

Roy Blount, who is the funniest person I know, journeys deep into the dark heart of humor and brings back a wonderfully insightful, superbly crafted song of the soul that had me laughing and crying too

Topics: Song, Heart, Dark

Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.

Topics: Moving, Tired, Conversation

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

Topics: God, Animal, Stupidity, Walking Sticks, Hiker

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

Topics: God, Horse, Stupidity

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Softball Player, Baseball Player

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Topics: God, Stupidity, Needs

The voice belonged to Mr. Pzyrbovich, an algebra teacher who was always called Mr. P, for obvious reasons. He has a heavy accent, which a lot of kids said made him hard to understand, although to be fair some of these kids would have never understood algebra anyway.

Topics: Teacher, Kids, Voice

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Topics: God, Stupidity, Leeches, Spray

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

Topics: God, Animal, Night

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

Topics: God, Night, Feet, Flashlights

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Topics: God, Stupid, Abuse

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

Topics: God, Jobs, Laughing