George Burns Quotes:

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

Topics: Inspirational, Cute, Positive, Inspirational Success Failure, Spiritual Success

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

source: - Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

Topics: Love, Inspirational, Funny, Always Happy, Large Family

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

Topics: Morning, Names, Breakfast

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Topics: Funny, Fake People, Truth, Secret Life, Just Live Your Life

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Topics: Clever, Drinking, Drunk, Liquor Funny, Drinking And Driving

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Topics: Funny, Happy Birthday, Zippers

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

Topics: Relationship, Love Is, Laughing, Humorous Love, Funniest Love

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Topics: Stress, Keys, Worry, Inspirational Stress, Inspirational Stress Relief

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

Topics: Senior, Two, People, Senior Citizen

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Topics: Hilarious, Retirement, Ties, Stoops, Funny Retirement

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

source: - George Burns (1980). “Living It Up”, Berkley

Topics: Music, Scotch, People, Scotch Whisky, Whisky

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Topics: Funny, Birthday, Death

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Makin Money, Funny Money

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

source: - "It's a Great Deal, All Three of Me Think So". Book by Bruce A. Rosenblat, 2009.

Topics: Good Woman, Meals, Comedy, Bad Woman, Good Meals

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

Topics: Mean, Long, Age, Growing Old, Twenty One

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

Topics: Age, Eccentric, Young, Rugged, Senile

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

source: - Joan Collins (2006). “The Art of Living Well: Looking Good, Feeling Great”, Sourcebooks Incorporated

Topics: Birthday, Optimistic, Wish, Older People, Growing Old

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left

Topics: Aging, Retiring, Shows, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.

Topics: Drinking, Good Woman, Dry, Cuban Cigars, Martini

At my age flowers scare me.

Topics: Birthday, Funny Inspirational, Flower

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Topics: Life, Two, Secret, Religious Humor, Sermons

Young. Old. Just Words.

Topics: Age, Young

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Topics: Trying, Pool, Cigar

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.

Topics: Fall, Age, Aging

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

Topics: Vaudeville, Talent, Stink, New Talent

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

source: - George Burns (1986). “Dear George: advice & answers from America's leading expert on everything from A to B”, G K Hall & Co

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous, Old Age Humor, Endless Sea

Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.

Topics: Business, Goal

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Topics: Age, Thrill, Comedy, Thrill Seekers

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

Topics: Taken, Doctors, Smoking, Smokers, Funny Smoking

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Complaining, Absent Minded

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

Topics: Funny, Life, Witty

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

Topics: Inspirational, Wise, Learning

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Teacher, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

Topics: People, Lawyer, Blame, Good Lawyer

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

source: - Quoted in Life, Dec. 1979

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Running, Political Jokes, Bad Politics

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Topics: Birthday, People, Appreciate, Old Age Humor, Old Jokes

I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.

Topics: Inspirational, Care, Inspirational Success

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

source: - George Burns (1989). “How to live to be 100--or more: the ultimate diet, sex, and exercise book”, Plume

Topics: Inspirational, Life, Time, Looking To The Future

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

Topics: Morning, Silly, Wake Up, Saying Life

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

Topics: Happy Birthday, Elders

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

source: - George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

Topics: Funny, Humor, Ice, Painkillers

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

Topics: Hills, Over The Hill

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

Topics: Retirement, Age, Faces

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

Topics: People, Worry, Young, Eczema

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

Topics: Funny, Humorous, Mean, Forgetful

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

Topics: Running, Cutting, Hair

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

Topics: Bangs, Gang, Critics, Eunuchs

There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

source: - George Burns (1986). “Dear George”, Perigee Books

Topics: Light, Doors, Car

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

Topics: Feel Better, Love Is, Making Love, Never Lie

Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.

Topics: Men, Games, Play

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Topics: Funny, Sex, Dirty

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Topics: Funny, Humorous, Kids

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

Topics: Inspiring, Teamwork, Light

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

Topics: Jogging, Martini, Spills

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.

Topics: Shoes, Size, Young

Fall in love with what you're going to do for a living. To be able to get out of bed and do what you love to do for the rest of the day is beyond words. I'd rather be a failure in something I love than be successful in something I hate.

Topics: Falling In Love, Hate, Successful

Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you're out of business.

source: - George Burns (1980). “Living It Up”, Berkley

Topics: Wisdom, Tired, Fighting, Grouchy

I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.

Topics: Being Thankful, Each Day, Stills

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Topics: Thinking, Laughing, Make You Think, Humorists

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

Topics: Funny, Humor, Doctors

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

Topics: Age, Taught, Aging

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

Topics: Strong, Nice, Ideas, Deodorant, Lotion

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

Topics: Long, People, Lasts

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

source: - George Burns, Hal Goldman (1992). “Wisdom of the 90s”, Perigee Books

Topics: Funny, Humorous, Reality

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.

Topics: Truth, Heart, Reality

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.

Topics: Funny, Sex, Humor

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

source: - George Burns, Hal Goldman (1992). “Wisdom of the 90s”, Perigee Books

Topics: Bed, Way, Dies

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

Topics: Vegas, Keys, Throwing

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

Topics: Funny, Drinking, Fall, Drinking Problem

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

source: - George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

Topics: Marriage, Wedding, Couple

My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.

Topics: Falling In Love, Motivation, Work, Best Advice

In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.

Topics: Honesty, Business, Keys

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

source: - George Burns (1991). “The Most of George Burns”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

Topics: Funny, Book, Writing

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

source: - George Burns (1989). “How to live to be 100--or more: the ultimate diet, sex, and exercise book”, Plume

Topics: Funny, Sex, Nice

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

Topics: Laughing, Comedian, Littles

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.

source: - George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

Topics: Men, Yale, People, Padlocks

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

Topics: Girl, Ugly, Married, Ugly Girl

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.

Topics: School, Kids, People

The happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working.

Topics: Retirement, Years, People

Life's but a day at most.

Topics: Life

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

source: - George Burns, Hal Goldman (1992). “Wisdom of the 90s”, Perigee Books

Topics: Wrinkles, Stripes, Care, Sync

By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.

Topics: People, Car, Age

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

source: - George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

Topics: Funny, Humorous, Later In Life

I get a standing ovation just standing

Topics: Inspiration, Ovation, Standing

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

source: - George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

Topics: Horse, Jobs, Good Job

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

source: - Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

Topics: Funny, Cute, Birthday, Young Birthday

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

source: - "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Men, Night, Healthy, Young Minds

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.

Topics: Kids, Thinking, Years, Smoking Cigars

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

source: - George Burns (1986). “Dear George”, Perigee Books

Topics: Book, Two, Guy

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

source: - "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Laughing, Long, Use

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

source: - George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

Topics: Funny, School, Essence

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

Topics: Country, Should Have, Singers, Country Western, Should Have Been

Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.

source: - George Burns (1983). “How to Live to be 100--or More: The Ultimate Diet, Sex, and Exercise Book”, Putnam Publishing Group

Topics: Humorous, Moving, Kids, Phone Numbers

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

Topics: Happiness, Morning, Home

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.

source: - George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

Topics: Friday, Home, Catholic

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

source: - George Burns (1991). “The Most of George Burns”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

Topics: Funny, Sex, Humorous

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

Topics: Funny, God, Humorous, Playing God

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

Topics: Funny, Sports, Humorous, Sports Illustrated, Swimsuits

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

source: - Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Age

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

source: - "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Men, Years, Fishing

How can I die? I'm booked.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Age

My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine; I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.

source: - George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

Topics: Play, Ideas, Plot, Our Town

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

Topics: Funny, Travel, Children

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

Topics: Witty, Glasses, Playboy

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

Topics: Age, Aging

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

source: - George Burns (1991). “The Most of George Burns”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

Topics: Party, Scotch, Rocks

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.

Topics: Once Upon A Time, Today, Actresses

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

source: - George Burns, Hal Goldman (1992). “Wisdom of the 90s”, Perigee Books

Topics: Funny, Husband, Boys

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

source: - George Burns (1985). “Dr. Burns' prescription for happiness”, Perigee

Topics: Wise, Men, Talking, Money Is The Root Of All Evil

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

Topics: I Like You, Years, Old Woman

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

source: - George Burns (1991). “The Most of George Burns”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

Topics: Funny, Humorous, Paris

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

Topics: Funny, Humorous, Smoking, Smokers, Tobacco Smoking

When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.

Topics: Art, Keys, Want

Say Goodnight Gracie.

source: - George Burns, Hal Goldman (1992). “Wisdom of the 90s”, Perigee Books

Topics: Saying Goodnight

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

source: - George Burns (1991). “The Most of George Burns”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

Topics: Coffee, Hands, Drink

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.

source: - George Burns, Hal Goldman (1992). “Wisdom of the 90s”, Perigee Books

Topics: Lunch, Advice, Dresses

Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.

Topics: Years, Waiting, Trying

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

Topics: Inspirational, Motivational, Actors

If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.

source: - "CNN Larry King Live", July 4, 2003.

Topics: Sleep, Firsts, Cigar

It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.

Topics: Motivational, Something You Love, Ifs

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

Topics: Sex, Fun, Lunch

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

Topics: Believe, Dying, Done

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

source: - "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Thinking, People, Guy

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

source: - George Burns (1991). “The Most of George Burns”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

Topics: Funny, Sex, Humorous, Universal Language

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.

source: - George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

Topics: Funny, Agents, Blame

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

source: - "The Most of George Burns".

Topics: Funny, Reading, Book

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Smoking, Funny Smoking, Smoking And Drinking

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.

source: - "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Men, Laughing, Waiting

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

source: - "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Too Much

This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years.

Topics: Years, Exciting, Decided

If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.

source: - Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

Topics: Long, Enough, Ifs

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

Topics: Funny, Sick

I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.

Topics: Song, Sitting Down, Great Inventions, Sitting In A Chair

Everyday happiness means you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

Topics: Happiness, Home, Mean

It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.

source: - George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

Topics: Success, Matter, Shows

I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.

source: - George Burns (1991). “The Most of George Burns”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

Topics: Shows, Show Business

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.

source: - George Burns (1991). “The Most of George Burns”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

Topics: Funny, Mother, Humorous

Joy is obtaining a big, loving, caring shut-knit household in yet another town.

Topics: Caring, Joy, Towns, Obtaining