-
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
--
Jack Benny
#Best Love
#Divorce
#Years
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I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
--
Jack Benny
#Funny
#Success
#Crazy
-
Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.
--
Jack Benny
#Accidents
-
It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.
--
Jack Benny
#Knowing
#Speak
-
-
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
--
Jack Benny
#Beautiful
#Sports
#Golf
-
Modesty is my best quality.
--
Jack Benny
#Quality
#Modesty
-
Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
--
Jack Benny
#Cutting
#Sandwiches
#Pieces
-
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
--
Jack Benny
#Laughter
#Kids
#Twelve
-
-
I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.
--
Jack Benny
#Practice
#Three
#Violin
-
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
--
Jack Benny
#Men
#Quitting
#Journalism
-
I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.
--
Jack Benny
#Humorous
#Night
#Gambling
-
When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
--
Jack Benny
#Comedian
#Firsts
#Shows
-
-
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
--
Jack Benny
#Funny
#Mind
#Matter
-
I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
--
Jack Benny
#Hate
#Believe
#Comedian
-
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
--
Jack Benny
#Men
#Rich
#Shows
-
I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.
--
Jack Benny
#Love You
#Meetings
-
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Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.
--
Jack Benny
#Money
#Trying
#Salary
-
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
--
Jack Benny
#Business
#Want
-
Gags die, humor doesn't.
--
Jack Benny
#Death
#Humor
-
As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.
--
Jack Benny
#Funny
#Class
#California
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