Joan Rivers Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

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More Joan Rivers quote about:

“We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Apology #Laughing #Watches
“If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Horse #Believe #Two
“Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Funny #Years #Lucky
“Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Gay #Cost #Married
“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Success #Inspiration #Memorable
“Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Animal #Laughing #Comedy
“At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Funeral #Age #Different
“What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Children #Airplane #Three
“Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Daughter #Mother #Sleep
“I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Thinking #Very Happy
“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Mean #Enjoy Life #Alive
“I think Hillary Clinton's style is perfect. Perfect. You don't notice what she's wearing, you notice the woman.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Thinking #Perfect #Style
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Funny #Witty #Baby
“I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Simple #Thinking #Worry
“Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Partners #Equal #Forty
“If you don't think you're funny, no one else will.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Thinking
“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Funny #Hilarious #Women
“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Love Life #Missing #Life Is Like
“My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Fashion #Holiday #Faces
“The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Fashion #Clothes #Age
“Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Breakup #Divorce #Unhappy
“Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Calm #Calm Down #Enjoy
“Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.”
-- Joan Rivers
“The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Stage
“Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Adventure #Laughing #Looks
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Happiness #Money #Memorable
“I was born in 1962 and the room next to me was 1963.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Rooms #Next #Born
“Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Stay Strong #Strong #Upset
“A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Children #Taught #Hot
“It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.”
-- Joan Rivers

#Love #Funny #Long

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