Phyllis Diller Quotes:

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Topics: Funny, Mom, Mother, Away From Home, Parenthood Funny

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Topics: Football, Motivational Sports, Inspiration, Homecoming, Sports Football

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Topics: Thanksgiving, Fun, Kids, Inspirational Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Day

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.77, Penguin

Topics: Funny, Hilarious, Witty, Spring Cleaning, Housework

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

source: - Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

Topics: Funny, Anniversary, Marriage, Humorous Valentine, Marriage Advice

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Topics: Christmas, Jobs, Clever, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Topics: Inspirational, Life, Birthday, Turning 50, 50th Birthday

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Witty, Funny Kitchen

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Topics: Inspirational, Blood, Type, Blood Type

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Topics: Funny, Hilarious, Mom, Life Teaching, Preschool Children

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Topics: Funny, Family, Mom, Love Mom, Young Mother

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

source: - Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

Topics: Growing Up, Children, Silly, Spring Cleaning, Chores

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Topics: Baby, Doctors, World

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Topics: Anger, Frustration, Kitchen, Rave, Rant

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Topics: Inspirational, Anniversary, Mistake

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Topics: Running, Children, Women, Pantyhose, Women Want

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Topics: Years, Behinds, Eighteen, Chores, Housework

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Topics: Mom, Children, Mean, Inspirational Father, Mother's Day

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Topics: Three, Comedy, Argument, Cab

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Topics: Inspirational, Beauty, Skins, Skin Deep, Beauty Is Only Skin Deep

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Topics: Inspirational, Mother, Pain, Mother In Law, In-laws

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

Topics: Splits, Firsts, Spirit, Seeking God, Amoeba

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

Topics: Inspirational, Night, Central Park, Crime Rates

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

source: - "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Shoes, Compliment, Barefoot, Alligators, Compliments You

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Topics: Mom, Funny Inspirational, Clever, Off The Wall, Funny Family Reunion

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Topics: Funny, Witty, Humorous, Gin And Tonic, Gin

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Topics: Airbags, Walkers

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.242, Penguin

Topics: Made

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

Topics: Husband, Divorced, Appendix

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

Topics: Age, How You Feel, Aging

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

source: - "New Again: Janeane Garofalo". Interview with Phyllis Diller, www.interviewmagazine.com. July 29, 2015.

Topics: Fitness, Exercise, Ideas, Physical Fitness, Good Exercise

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

Topics: Doors, House, Enemy, Chores, Clean House

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Topics: Fall, Drinking, Falling Down, Liquor Funny, Drinking Funny

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

Topics: Humility, Humble, Mirrors

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

Topics: Song, Lines, Singers

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Topics: Inspirational, Ghetto, Littles, Checking Accounts, Little Money

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Topics: Inspirational, Justice, Looks

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Topics: Inspirational, Half, Hours, Finest Hour

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

Topics: Mean, Tennis, Love Means, Marrying

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Topics: Yards, Buried, Housework

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

Topics: Beauty, Use, Emergencies

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

Topics: Wanted

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Topics: Pregnancy, Common, Birth, Being Pregnant, Were Pregnant

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Topics: Children, Writing, Dust

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

Topics: Wall, Home, People, Halfway Home

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Topics: Funny Inspirational, Humor, Wrinkles

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

Topics: Hours, Seven, Beauty Shop

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Topics: Funny, Happiness, Smile, Keep Smiling, Just Keep Smiling

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Topics: Philosophy, Buddhism, Meditation, Gin, Feng Shui

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

Topics: Underwear, Body, Shapes

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

source: - Phyllis Diller (1981). “The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions”, Doubleday Books

Topics: Cute, Birthday, Funny Relationship, Humorous Birthday, Old Age Humor

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

Topics: Doctors, Body, Reincarnation

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

Topics: Husband, Gun, Clerks, Crime And Punishment

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.28, Penguin

Topics: Funny, Home, Kissing

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Topics: Marriage, Husband, Common

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Topics: Funny, Onions, Sides

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.256, Penguin

Topics: People, Nudity, Old People, Contraceptives

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

source: - "Phyllis Diller, Sassy Comedian, Dies at 95" by Richard Severo, Peter Keepnews, www.nytimes.com. August 20, 2012.

Topics: People, Blouses

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Topics: Inspirational, Birthday, Anniversary, Marriage Humor, Marriage Jokes

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.116, Penguin

Topics: Men, Doctors, Clothes

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

Topics: Sex, Night, Lasts, Last Night

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

Topics: Three, Phases, Tables

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

Topics: Sex, Heart, Doctors, Ambulance, Heart Attack

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

Topics: Sea, Bedroom, Happenings

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Topics: Giving Up, Years, I Will Never Give Up

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

Topics: Husband, Giving, Want

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

Topics: Mother, Husband, Son, Our Wedding

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

Topics: Faces, Hats, Screws

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

Topics: Inspirational, Husband, Careers

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Topics: Blow, Apples, Torches

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

source: - Phyllis Diller (1981). “The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions”, Doubleday Books

Topics: Jeans, Mercy, Ifs

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Topics: Suicide, Husband, Kids

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

Topics: Family, Years, Insane, Sixteen Year Olds

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

Topics: Food, Cake, Chocolate, Chocolate Cake

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

Topics: Song, Wine, Space, Seeking God, Amoeba

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

Topics: Sex, Men, Thinking, Sex Symbol, Don't Give A Damn

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

source: - "Fearless and Funny: When Comedy Was Queen" by Michael R. Drew and Robert J. Hughes, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 23, 2012.

Topics: Children, Advice, Bottles

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

source: - "Comedian Phyllis Diller dies 'with a smile on her face'" by Alan Duke, www.cnn.com. August 22, 2012.

Topics: Inspirational, Rooms

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

Topics: Parent, Married, Enough, Fiance, Parole

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

Topics: Funny, Dog, Stoves

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

Topics: Dating, Easy

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Topics: Fire, Mud, Californians, Drought

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.51, Penguin

Topics: Inspirational, Beach, Tides

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Topics: Funny, Dog, Shepherds, Lisp, German Shepherds

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

Topics: Radio, Dinner, Taste

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

Topics: Cooking, Nerves, May

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

source: - "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Feet, Aim High, Aim

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

Topics: Men, Sick, Dating

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

Topics: Sister In Law, Stripes, Dresses

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

Topics: Mother, Inspiration, Hated, Orphanage

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

Topics: Beautiful, Steps, Comedy, Beautiful You

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Topics: Boyfriend, Sex, Miles, Sex Drive, Miles Away

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

source: - "Phyllis Diller's File Of 53,000 Jokes". "Weekend Edition Saturday" with Scott Simon, www.npr.org. March 11, 2017.

Topics: Get Well, Believe, Mind, Beauty Contest

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Topics: Food, Three, Milk, Waiter

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

Topics: Inspirational, Fighting, Years

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

Topics: Thinking, Age, Cocktails

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Topics: Inspirational, Football, Rams, Helmet, Hairdresser

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Topics: Christmas, Xmas, Past, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

source: - "Legendary Comic Phyllis Diller Dies at 95" by Duane Byrge, www.hollywoodreporter.com. August 20, 2012.

Topics: Missing, Mouths, Lasts, Congeniality, Beauty Contest

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

Topics: Men, Laughing, Looks

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Topics: Retirement, Real, Golf, Funny Golf, Funny Golfing

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Topics: Tragedy, Comedy

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

Topics: Practice, Life Is, Do It Yourself

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

Topics: Police, Remember, Policemen

self-pity is better than none.

Topics: Self, Self Pity, Pity

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

Topics: Important, Gold, Next

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.68, Penguin

Topics: Funny, Baby, Children, Damp, Bus Stops

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Topics: Inspirational, Moving, Tennis

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Topics: Records, Measurement, Phonograph

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

Topics: Hate, Smart, Clerks

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

Topics: Inspirational, Hair, Use, Toothbrushes

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Topics: Inspirational, Cupcakes, Rooms

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

Topics: Inspirational, Baby, Kids, Baby Teeth

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Topics: Offending, About Yourself

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Topics: Inspirational, Birthday, Age, Liver

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

Topics: Two, Age, Body

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Topics: Funny, Beach, Humor, My Grandchildren

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.

Topics: Doctors, Support, Physicians

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

Topics: Kissing, Hug, Ends

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

Topics: Children, Father, Divorce, Getting A Divorce

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

Topics: Eight, Years, Smoking

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.53, Penguin

Topics: Inspirational, People, Parlor

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.194, Penguin

Topics: Funny, Baby, Children

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

source: - "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Night, House, Wigs

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

Topics: Inspirational, Juniors, Size

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

Topics: Beautiful, Girl, Friday, Bridesmaids, Our Wedding

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Topics: Guests, Matter, Ready

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

Topics: Inspirational, Dog, Hate

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.17, Penguin

Topics: Mother, Long, Lines, Long Lines

All mothers are working mothers.

Topics: Mother

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

Topics: Over You, Tripping, Necks, Facelifts, Tripping Over

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.115, Penguin

Topics: Real, Laughing, My Own

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

source: - "Getting Through to the Man You Love : The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women". Book by Michele Weiner-Davis, (p.151), 1999.

Topics: Relationship, Stay Strong, Anger

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

Topics: Looks, Ruins, Moonlight

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

Topics: Funny, Children, Humorous

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

Topics: Kids, Play, Office, Post Office

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Topics: Girl, Thinking, People, Unsuccessful

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

Topics: Funny, Sex, Humor

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

Topics: Inspirational, Coffee, Kids

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Topics: Funny, Husband, Wind

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

Topics: Men, Balls, Bowling

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.46, Penguin

Topics: Apples, Shapes, Adam

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

Topics: Mother, Law, Watches, Corsets

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.

Topics: Baby, Men, Ideas

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

Topics: Husband, Wife, Remodeling

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

Topics: Sex, Car, Ankles

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Topics: Home, School, Kids

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

Topics: Breaths, Ifs, Bad Breath

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

Topics: Mother, Baby, Laughing

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

Topics: Funny, Get Well, Sloth

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

Topics: Funny, Husband, Coffee

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

Topics: Husband, House, Cures

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

Topics: Kids, Window Panes, Weather

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

Topics: Elbows, Bouquets, Faces, Plastic Surgeons, Plastic Surgery

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

Topics: Inspirational, Morning, Fighting, Always Fighting

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

source: - "Phyllis Diller's File Of 53,000 Jokes". "Weekend Edition Saturday" with Scott Simon, www.npr.org. March 11, 2017.

Topics: Fire, Mud, Californians, Drought

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

Topics: Inspirational, Lying, House

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.

Topics: Believe, Book, Bed

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

Topics: War, Fighting, Parent

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

Topics: Funny, Beautiful, Sloth, Beautiful Music

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

source: - "Phyllis Diller Started in San Francisco" by Corey Andrew, www.nbcbayarea.com. August 22, 2012.

Topics: Funny, Wedding, Dog, Wedding Pictures, Dog Died

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

Topics: Inspirational, Mean, Men

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

Topics: Husband, Eye, Useless, If You Love Me

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

Topics: Grandchildren, Pills, Birth Control

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.17, Penguin

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

Topics: Children, Looks, Want

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

Topics: Inspirational, Baby, Morning, Morning Sickness

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

source: - Phyllis Diller (1981). “The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions”, Doubleday Books

Topics: Lakes, Placid, Absolutely Nothing, Lake Placid

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

Topics: Husband, Coffee, Giving, Do You Want Me

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

Topics: Night, Hours, Our Wedding, Wedding Night

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

Topics: People, Modern Life, Fruitcake

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

Topics: Running, Dog, Mean

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

Topics: Baby, Children, Experts

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.

Topics: Baby, Grandmother, Grandparent, Delivery Room

I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.

source: - "Phyllis Diller Recounts Her Life", www.foxnews.com. April 10, 2005.

Topics: Dope, Sound, Want

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Topics: Humor, Adjusting, Way, Puberty

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

Topics: Husband, Goldfish, Too Much

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

Topics: Sleep, Bed, Gone

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.15, Penguin

Topics: Spring, Kids, Parent

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

Topics: Men, Air, Car

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.118, Penguin

Topics: Careers, Lasts, Hello

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

Topics: Mother, Law, Coats

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

Topics: War, Tragedy, Would Be

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

Topics: Inspirational, Blow, Ill Will, Hairdresser

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

Topics: Water, Three, Three Times

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

Topics: Believe, Results, Witchcraft

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.

Topics: Football, Stars, Team, Inspirational Soccer

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Topics: Mother, Husband, Law, Probation, In-laws

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

Topics: Growing Up, Mark, Wells

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

Topics: Mother, Dream, Law

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

Topics: Funny, Husband, Medicine, Teaspoons

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Topics: Inspirational, Couple, Husband

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Topics: Inspirational, Morning, Moving

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

source: - "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Hecklers, Timing, Appointments

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

Topics: Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Three, Beaks, Funny Thanksgiving Day

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

Topics: Ships, Tattooed, Wanted

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

Topics: Alarms, Dresses, Would Be

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

Topics: Funny, Skills, Sloth

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

Topics: Inspirational, Complaining, Elbows

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

source: - Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.209, Penguin

Topics: Night, Snow, Grease