Judy Tenuta quotes

  • My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Mother #Procrastination #Waiting

  • How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Suicide #Suicidal #Dating

  • I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Philosophy #Professors

  • I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Littles #Chains #Turned Down

  • This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Memorable #Gay #Men

  • Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you....
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Friendship #Enemy #Enough

  • I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Italian #Half #Polish

  • Love Goddess in training. It could happen.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Training #God Love #Goddess

  • What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Men #Want #Mattresses

  • You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Real #Bottles #Body

  • I am a morning person...I love waking up, walking & reveling In the beauty of all the flowers and trees....while chugging a 5th of vodka!!! It could happen.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Morning #Flower #Tree

  • I was born a Love Goddess. My parents, Caesar and Joanne, always told me that I was a little Goddess and Petite Flower. I was a Petite Flower, and I had all these brothers who were always trying to boss me around. I told them, "No. You must kiss my hand or kiss my feet". That's how I became the Goddess.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Brother #Flower #Kissing

  • Sorry, I didn't squat and grease myself and be naked next to Kim Lard-ashian. I mean, no matter what you do - excuse me - you can never compete with her. You can win the Nobel Peace Prize and you can't compete with Kim Lard-ashian's ass.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Sorry #Mean #Winning

  • My work is a mitzvah for the eyes & ears...and it will help you forget about your problems by thinking about mine for a change!
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Eye #Thinking #Helping

  • I was nominated for two Grammy's, but ... more importantly, I like it when I get a letter from someone ... a person that I've affected their lives or I've helped them. That's important to me. Someone will say "I was feeling bad and you helped me".
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Two #Feelings #Important

  • I would just go insane in a public school. I don't have enough clothes.You have to be Heidi Klum to go to public school now. It's crazy. I feel sorry for these kids, not to mention that the new Secretary Of Education, Betsy DeVos, is against education.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Sorry #Crazy #School

  • I think it might be harder for a young comic because there's so much more competition. There's more people trying to do it and there are less rooms. Seriously. The way people do anything now is by getting press - some scandal. It's awful. Somebody has to go on a rooftop with a rifle and they get their own sitcom. It's disgusting.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Thinking #People #Competition

  • I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Healing #Laughing #Want

  • I should have my own show by now. Yeah. How many damn sitcoms does Kelsey Grammer need? How many more stupid Housewives do they need throwing tables and limbs at each other. Yeah, I guess I need to take off my artificial leg and throw it at Vanderpump. I like doing live shows - it's just getting to them that's a hassle.Doing films is fun too ... a good film ... but there's a lot of waiting around.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Fun #Stupid #Waiting Around

  • I'm husband hunting. Now, I know all the men are going to be gay but at this point, I need a new gay husband. Or, a new lesbian assistant. If you want something done, tell a lesbian and the she'll chop down a tree. Something like that.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Husband #Gay #Men

  • You have to really kiss up to EVERYONE! Kiss up to anyone you think can help you. That's really the best advice I can give. You obviously have to have an act - but, maybe you don't.
    -- Judy Tenuta

    #Kissing #Thinking #Giving