Demetri Martin Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

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“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Im Sorry #Heart #Games
“I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Mistake #Thinking #Journey
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'”
-- Demetri Martin

#Funny #Im Sorry #Witty
“In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Hopeful #Retrospect #Infinite
“I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Funny #Song #Pockets
“It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time."”
-- Demetri Martin

#Years #Decision #Dumb
“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Funny #Im Sorry #Saws
“When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Fall #Animal #Expression
“I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Jesus #Funny Christmas #Shopping
“I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Trying #Manipulation #Honest
“It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Toys #Adults #Location
“I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Fall #Thinking #Differences
“A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you”
-- Demetri Martin

#Sleep #Naps
“I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Play #Done #Way
“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'”
-- Demetri Martin

#Writing #Thinking #Would Be
“For me, possibility, progress, growth, those things are very.. they feel very good. It doesn't usually come with negativity. I don't really mind sucking at something as long as I'm getting a little bit better at it along the way.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Long #Negativity #Mind
“The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Running #Children #Glasses
“What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Years #Self
“A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Annoying #Know It All #Persons
“I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Thinking #Ideas #Should
“I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'”
-- Demetri Martin

#Character #Men #Games
“To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Creative #Tests #Rooms
“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'”
-- Demetri Martin

#Im Sorry #Thinking #Confusion
“I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Saws #T Shirt #Shirts
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Sports #Play #Trophies
“I can move objects with my mind..... if I use my hands!”
-- Demetri Martin

#Moving #Hands #Mind
“I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Writing #Thinking #Night
“If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!”
-- Demetri Martin

#Funny #Witty #Humorous
“I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.”
-- Demetri Martin

#Opposites #Motor
“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'”
-- Demetri Martin

#Im Sorry #Moving #Apples

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