Demetri Martin quotes

  • The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Im Sorry #Heart #Games

  • I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Mistake #Thinking #Journey

  • I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Im Sorry #Witty

  • In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Hopeful #Retrospect #Infinite

  • I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Song #Pockets

  • It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time."
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Years #Decision #Dumb

  • When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Im Sorry #Saws

  • When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Fall #Animal #Expression

  • I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Jesus #Funny Christmas #Shopping

  • I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Trying #Manipulation #Honest

  • It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Toys #Adults #Location

  • I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Fall #Thinking #Differences

  • A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Sleep #Naps

  • I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Play #Done #Way

  • I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Writing #Thinking #Would Be

  • For me, possibility, progress, growth, those things are very.. they feel very good. It doesn't usually come with negativity. I don't really mind sucking at something as long as I'm getting a little bit better at it along the way.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Long #Negativity #Mind

  • The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Running #Children #Glasses

  • What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Years #Self

  • A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Annoying #Know It All #Persons

  • I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Thinking #Ideas #Should

  • I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Character #Men #Games

  • To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Creative #Tests #Rooms

  • I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Im Sorry #Thinking #Confusion

  • I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Saws #T Shirt #Shirts

  • I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Sports #Play #Trophies

  • I can move objects with my mind..... if I use my hands!
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Moving #Hands #Mind

  • I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Writing #Thinking #Night

  • If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Witty #Humorous

  • I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Opposites #Motor

  • My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Im Sorry #Moving #Apples

  • If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Thinking #Years #Waiting

  • And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Morning #Track #Looking Forward

  • Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Night #Two #Years

  • I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Morning #Believe #Use

  • When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Basketball #Play #Trying

  • If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Im Sorry #Amputees #Calling

  • I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Thinking #Insane #Desire

  • Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Balloons #Term

  • I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Jobs #School #Law

  • The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Thinking #Feedback #Improvisation

  • I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Crazy #School #Law

  • Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Fun #Romantic Love #Choices

  • When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed. But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people's approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval of other people, in comedy clubs and showbiz meetings.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Moving #School #Law

  • Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Glitter #Crafts #Herpes

  • I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Hipster #Gay #Focus

  • My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Garbage #Comedy

  • I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Stars #Hipster #Comedian

  • I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Size #Comedy

  • Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Firsts #My Favorite #First Time

  • If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Moving #Riding #Half

  • Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Interesting #Refrigerators #Magnet

  • I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Im Sorry #Nice #Apples

  • Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Sports #Fun #Swimming

  • The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Im Sorry #Witty

  • I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Birthday #Christmas #Im Sorry

  • I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Sorry #Journey

  • Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Im Sorry #Funeral #Apologizing

  • A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #People #Giving #Needs

  • A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Musical #Want #Burlap

  • How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Running #Zebras #Doe

  • My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Stones #Throwing #Situation

  • There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Differences #Important #Pool

  • I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the ***** who's standing in front of me.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Phones #Band #My Favorite

  • 100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Math #People #Giving

  • I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Dream #Thinking #Stuff

  • Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Fighting #Cannibal

  • I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Home #Machines #Speed

  • I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Flower #Desert #Cactus

  • There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Mean #Thinking #Way

  • I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Hippie #Rain #Way

  • I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Morning #Voice #Phones

  • Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Drinking #Wine #White

  • Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Rocks #Paper #Damage

  • Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Mean #Giving #Advice

  • The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Australia #Boomerang #Chiefs

  • Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Eyebrows #Space

  • I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Thinking #Interesting #Rhyme

  • I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Issues #Kites

  • Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Smell #Answers

  • To me, comedy is a game.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Games #Comedy

  • A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Inspirational #Funny #Dream

  • Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Batteries #Dramatic #Break

  • I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Men

  • If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Pie #Mouths #Faces

  • Clowns have no respect for pie.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Pie #No Respect #Clown

  • I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Kids #Thinking

  • I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Cameras #Reminiscing #Digital

  • I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Girl #Mtv

  • I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over...
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Baby #Cake

  • Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Two #Waiting #Use

  • I think they named the orange before the carrot.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Thinking #Orange #Carrots

  • I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Home #Jars #Pennies

  • Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ***** I am.'
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Sweet #Hands #Want

  • If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Life #Bookstores #Mystery Novels

  • This is a pie chart about procrastination.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Procrastination #Pie

  • Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill"
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Sports #Guy

  • I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Girl #Eyebrows

  • I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Funny #Thinking #Mind

  • I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.
    -- Demetri Martin

    #Winning #Body #Proud