Anthony Jeselnik quotes

  • My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Girlfriend #Stupidity #Want

  • Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere "hah."
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Dark #People #Laughing

  • This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Girlfriend #Xbox #Funny Christmas

  • There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Jobs #Thinking #People

  • Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Kids #Yesterday #Car

  • People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Nice #Thinking #People

  • I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Religious #Atheist #Stories

  • One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Fighting #Thinking #Love Is

  • You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Funny #Baby #Pain

  • I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Silly #Dark #People

  • My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Girlfriend #Upset #Cry

  • I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Notebook #Writing #Cutting

  • Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Girl #Pretty Girl #Looks

  • I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Jobs #Way #Employee

  • It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Guy #Comedian #Important

  • The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Thinking #People #Found

  • I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Cynical #Too Much #Way

  • I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Men #Ideas #Guy

  • I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Comedy

  • I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Writing #Comedian #Want

  • Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Comedian #Trying #Doe

  • If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Laughing #Looks #Goes On

  • On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Thinking #Darkness #Tvs

  • In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Night #Knowledgeable #Persona

  • I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Crazy #Thinking #Comedy

  • In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Hate #Comedy #Insult

  • I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Careers #Able #Way

  • I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Laughing #People #Mind

  • Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Mean #Talking #Silence

  • On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Writing #People #Tragedy

  • The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Driving #Problem #Authority

  • I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Past #Voice #People

  • In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Class #Bored #Down And

  • Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Voice #Guy #Topics

  • Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Thinking #People #Laughing

  • I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Writing #Voice #Very Good

  • The world is full of horrible things...
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #World #Horrible

  • I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Girlfriend #Past #Years

  • Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Jobs #Crazy #Men

  • Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Years #People #Black

  • God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Sound #Shows

  • Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Children #Son #Simple

  • When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Mom #Brother #School

  • Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Want

  • Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Girl #Sex #Smart

  • My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Girlfriend #Kings #Bird

  • Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Kings #Christ #Jew

  • I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Suicidal #Kids #Long

  • Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Titles #Albums #Tyson

  • You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Uncles #Creepy #Looks

  • Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Tv Shows #September 11 #Normal

  • I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Writing #Get Better #Said

  • I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Genius

  • I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Believe #Mean #Biblical

  • I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Thinking #Comedian

  • Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Glasses #Hair #Phases

  • I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.
    -- Anthony Jeselnik

    #Shows

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