Jeff Ross quotes

  • You have such a huge career ... behind you.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Careers #Behind You #Behinds

  • My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Uncles #Sarcasm #Aunt

  • When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Stars #Rocks #Frustrated

  • I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Sports #Wells

  • Last time I was in Canada Celine Dion had just given birth to identical twins. Which is quite an achievement given her age and face.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Achievement #Age #Canada

  • I think Jersey stands alone, and because I'm from Jersey, I never make fun of where people are from. I'll make fun of what they look like, but I'll never make fun of where they are from. Jersey is special.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Fun #Thinking #People

  • Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Charlie #Standing

  • Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr—who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Children #Pain #Issues

  • Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Running #Trying #President

  • I would vote for you for President but I'm against big government.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Government #President #Vote

  • How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Looks #Cobain

  • South Park called...they want their everything back.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Want #Parks

  • With everybody having a Facebook and a Twitter, I feel like regular people consider themselves stars. It's a live, real-time upload of every time we buy a pair of socks, the most telling sign that we're losing our politeness. When you know everything about somebody, you can talk to them any way you please.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Stars #Real #People

  • Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Want #Apologizing #Observation

  • Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.
    -- Jeff Ross

    #Pain #Moving #Life Is Short