Aziz Ansari quotes

  • I have no interest in art. Let me clarify — I have no interest in non-nude images.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Art #Interest #Let Me

  • I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.'
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Hate #Thinking #People

  • I just didn’t want to be pigeonholed as an 'ethnic comic' or an 'Asian comic.' I just wanted to be on the same playing field as everyone else.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Asian #Want #Fields

  • I've never done online dating.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Dating #Done #Online

  • One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #New York #Missing #Burgers

  • I've always tried to maintain that I don't have any advice to give. I'm a curious observer.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Giving #Advice #Curious

  • I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Night #Hell #Mics

  • Everyone's first thought is "These women are going to take advantage of you" or "Someone's only going to date you because you're famous." That stuff's not really an issue because that's super-easy to see through.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Issues #Stuff #Firsts

  • Acting is a plum gig, and then animation is an even more plum gig.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Acting #Plums #Gigs

  • I live in L.A., I go on tour all the time, I'm in New York half the year - it's very hard to be in a relationship.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #New York #Years #Goes On

  • I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape sh*t with it.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Thinking #Ice Cream #Talking

  • Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Comedian #Hours #Brands

  • Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Black #Would Be #World

  • You've got to be pretty confident that you're good. If I do a show and for whatever reason no one laughs, I'll be like, 'Wow, those people are weird'.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #People #Laughing #Wow

  • Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Past #Yesterday #May

  • I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Being Single #Home #Going Out

  • You’re a feminist if you go to a Jay Z and Beyoncé concert, and you’re not like, ‘Mmm, I feel like Beyoncé should get 23 percent less money than Jay Z.'
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Feminist #Should #Concerts

  • I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Life Is #Moments #Optimist

  • If you look up feminist in the dictionary, it just means someone who believes men and women have equal rights...
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Believe #Mean #Men

  • It's much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper connection with the audience that way.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Fun #Frustration #Laughing

  • I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Kind #Obsessed

  • You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you, no matter how great they are, that's shitty, and you don't want be with someone who treats you shitty.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Moving #Matter #Want

  • When you meet someone you really like and connect with, I think that's very special, and not to be taken for granted.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Taken #Thinking #Special

  • I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with, or work with. That's such a blessing. You actually get to see them all the time and spend time with them.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Crush #School #Jealous

  • I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs..
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Thinking #People #Bars

  • In this era, we have more choice than any group of people ever. When you are out at night, anyone in the universe can contact you instantly. Think about how crazy that is compared to even a few decades ago.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Crazy #Night #Thinking

  • I was surprised to learn that research showed arranged couples tended to be happier in the long run.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Running #Couple #Long

  • I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Mind #Tag #Energy

  • It can take a few months to get a new 10 minutes. Usually it takes like 10 times of repeatedly trying different variations of a joke until I land on one I think is really good.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Thinking #Land #Trying

  • I prefer being totally sober myself.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Sober

  • I think absurdist humor is funny...
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Thinking

  • I talk about stuff like my Blackberry, Lost, the internet, music, etc. so I guess that leads to the "nerd" moniker. But I don't get it that much to be honest. I guess its better than being labeled a "racist" comedian.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Comedian #Nerd #Etc

  • For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Kids #White #Majority

  • When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I'm obsessed with - one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Secret #Trying #Joints

  • The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Gay #Parent #Hardest

  • A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Thinking #People #Age

  • It's the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #People #Laughing #Hours

  • I guess my music taste is pretty predictable: I like new indie rock stuff, older stuff.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Rocks #Stuff #Taste

  • I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think I'll ever get really fat.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Exercise #Thinking #One Day

  • If thou canst walk on water, thou art no better than a straw. If thou canst fly in the air, thou art no better than a fly. Conquer thy heart that thou mayest become somebody.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Art #Air #Water

  • Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Writing #Thinking #Trying

  • With stand-up, it's more interesting to hear about people's failures than their successes.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #People #Interesting

  • I like the brand Band of Outsiders. Their suits are cut really slim, for smaller framed gentlemen.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Cutting #Gentleman #Band

  • I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Optimist

  • Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Baby #Ideas #Married

  • I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat. When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Comedy #Kind #Obsessed

  • What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Able #Moments #Jokes

  • The most influential thing was the two Chris Rock specials that came out when I was in high school. I was obsessed with that stuff.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #School #Rocks #Two

  • Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Comedy #Stand Up Comedy #Profession

  • London seems to be a town with a lot of comedy fans and people that really enjoy stand-up.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #People #Fans #London

  • Even in my stand-up, there's a lot more positivity and enthusiasm rather than negative, I-hate-everything vibes.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Hate #Positivity #Negative

  • Being a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you're not supposed to be the coolest guy.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Rapper #Guy #Comedian

  • I know my fan base is a smart group of people.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Smart #People #Groups

  • Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting games, or whatever.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Games #People #Schedules

  • So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Dirty #Book #Gay

  • Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Funny #Dream #Drunk

  • Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Cereal #Cake #Breakfast

  • The four sweetest words in the English language — 'You wore me down.'
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Four #Language #English Language

  • Come cook food with me and do nothing.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Cooks

  • I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Fun #Tables #Dishwashers

  • Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Sex #Hate #Dancing

  • If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Believe #Men #Rights

  • I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Funny #Girl #Administration

  • After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it'll flop. And that's when I really take a hard look at myself and say: 'Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it's talking about.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #Night #Talking #Ideas

  • I'm the kind of person, if I see something, like a funny video, I want to share it. With Twitter and Tumblr you can do that on a mass scale, and people get to know your personality.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #People #Personality #Video

  • Once you become a comedian, you accept that people are just going to yell stuff at you.
    -- Aziz Ansari

    #People #Comedian #Stuff