Greg Giraldo quotes

  • The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.
    -- Greg Giraldo

    #Animal #Thinking #Years

  • Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
    -- Greg Giraldo

    #Girlfriend #Sex #Valentine

  • Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
    -- Greg Giraldo

    #Funny #School #Thinking

  • Everybody thought that Titanic was the most romantic movie ever. A story about two teenagers who knew each other for three days. Try to make that movie with a couple that's been together for a few years. 'Get in the ***** boat, Rose!' 'I don't wanna get in the boat!' 'Get in, come on, I'm freezing my ***** off out here! I wanted to go to Jamaica, but no, we had to go on a cruise in the middle of the winter!' 'You never draw me naked anymore'
    -- Greg Giraldo

    #Couple #Teenager #Winter

  • "You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."
    -- Greg Giraldo

    #Funny #Men #Dresses

  • If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.
    -- Greg Giraldo

    #Careers #Excess #Pounds

  • Jesse has opened for me extensively on the road so I’ve seen him do hundreds of sets. He is always super funny, has tons of material and the crowds love him. Bottom line, Jesse Joyce is a great comedian.
    -- Greg Giraldo

    #Comedian #Crowds #Lines

  • In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story
    -- Greg Giraldo

    #Stories #Stuck

  • Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.
    -- Greg Giraldo

    #Gun #Needs

  • Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right.
    -- Greg Giraldo

    #Jealous #Successful #People

  • It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?
    -- Greg Giraldo

    #Growing Up #Self Esteem #Kids

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