Artie Lange quotes

  • I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Apologizing #Jokes

  • Whiskey will always be a part of my life.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Whiskey

  • The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Drinking #Sometimes #Drink

  • My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Dad #Mind #My Dad

  • All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once youre laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what Im saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Mountain #Valleys #Purpose

  • I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Missing #Resilient

  • I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Nocturnal #Comic

  • I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Athlete #Kids

  • I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.
    -- Artie Lange

    #College #Thinking #Voice

  • I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Running #Country #Names

  • I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Might #Darling #Critics

  • I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Night #Comedy

  • I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Dark #Artist #Wish

  • I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Guy #Stability

  • Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Dream #Successful #Comedy

  • Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Want

  • When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Good Night #Sleep #Night

  • By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Long #Age #Plans

  • Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.
    -- Artie Lange

    #People #Comedian

  • 'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Sports #World #Way

  • Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Vegas #Las Vegas #Kind

  • Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Firsts #Being Depressed #Website

  • A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Christian #Drinking #Weekend

  • I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking
    -- Artie Lange

    #Lying #Drinking

  • It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Running #Drug #Problem

  • Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Sadness #Mean #Las Vegas

  • I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Gambling #Stuff #Exciting

  • At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota
    -- Artie Lange

    #Kids #Gambling #Backyards

  • I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Running #Gun #Gambling

  • And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Stars #Looks

  • I think it reminds me of my childhood, my father, .. I think people have the same reaction. It reminds you of what it was like to be a kid, where everything is carefree and fun.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Fun #Father #Kids

  • I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust
    -- Artie Lange

    #Angel #Yankees #Dust

  • It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world
    -- Artie Lange

    #Guy #Boss #World

  • Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Depressing #People #Most Depressing

  • It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Play #Cards #Fine

  • It's good to be alive.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Alive

  • Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Insulting #Sound #Want

  • Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Thinking #Looks #Done

  • The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Morning #Real #Laughing

  • When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Careers #Political #Clay

  • When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Crazy #Character #Voice

  • When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.
    -- Artie Lange

    #Black #Time Of My Life

  • Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that
    -- Artie Lange

    #Play #Two #Way

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