Lewis Black Quotes:

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Topics: Running, President, Republican

None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don't go out to vote, that they don't feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It's not just Obama's fault or Clinton's or whomever's, it's all of them, the whole collection of clowns I've had to sit through.

Topics: People, Needs, Faults, Disenfranchised

Elected officials shouldn't get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

Topics: Elected Officials

I think you have to [vote] and the reason you have to go vote is an important one, and that is because the day you vote is the day that you will feel the most ineffectual you will feel all year.

Topics: Thinking, Years, Important

Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.

Topics: Socialism, Christianity, Share

The reason I like socialism is that it's kind of enforced Christianity. It's basically very Christian, in the sense of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." These people have nothing, so you have to share.

Topics: Christian, People, Kind

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

Topics: Pork, Mouths, Too Much

I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't tell me what you're going to do. Just say "I'd really like to do solar energy but I'm not going to be able to. I really want to dig holes everywhere in the country but I really won't be able to do it because people seem to think that maybe my water will be screwed up."

Topics: Country, Thinking, People, Solar Energy, Campaigning

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ***** into it.

Topics: Funny, Christmas, Christian

A lot of the times I'm looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it's a set, a story that I'll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that.

Topics: Couple, Stories, Sometimes

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

Topics: Country, Unique, Protection

Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration.

Topics: Frustration, People, Lucky, Dealing With People

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.

Topics: Comfort, Comfort Food

This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.

source: - "Lewis Black on politics, aging, and being the guy who yells". Interview with Drew Fortune, www.avclub.com. September 7, 2012.

Topics: Believe, Gay, People

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

Topics: Country, Water, Television, Clean Water

It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.

Topics: Writing, Should

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.

Topics: Summer, Believe, Talking, Labor Day Wishes, Labour Day

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

Topics: Morning, Drunk, Hours

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

Topics: Believe, Years, Voting

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.

Topics: Moving, Goal, Tortoises

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Topics: Funny, Candy Corn, Made, Inspirational Halloween, Corn On The Cob

I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that's the truth.

Topics: Optimistic, Thinking, People

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

Topics: Shenanigans, Wake Up, Goes On, Wakes You

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

Topics: Running, Dad, Father, Space Program, Colonizing Mars

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

Topics: Stupid, Men, Ozone, Ozone Depletion, Ozone Layer

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

Topics: Atheist, Order, Brain, Minions

I really wanted to talk about the War on Terror and say that both sides were completely incompetent [in addressing it]. You can't blame the other side when you're involved in it.

Topics: War, Sides, Blame

You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.

Topics: Inspirational, Funny, Travel, Paper Bags

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.

Topics: Iphone, Pieces, Miserable

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

Topics: Halloween, America, Years, Inspirational Halloween, Candy Corn

My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.

Topics: Hate, Apples, Moved

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

Topics: Valentine, Holiday, Special, Special Someone, Funny Valentines Day

The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.

Topics: Interesting, Free Will

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Topics: Real, Reality, People

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

Topics: Tired, Hammers, Theme, I'm Tired

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

Topics: Hard Work, Writing, Thinking

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

Topics: Abortion, Want, Rooms

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Topics: Coffee, Giving, Might, Morning Coffee, Mornings And Coffee

Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! "We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again."

Topics: Country, Bridges, House, Discussing, Elude Us

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.

Topics: Beautiful, Would Be, Hours, New Zealand

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with ] both parties, it's beyond belief.

Topics: Real, Party, Long

Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.

Topics: New York, Coffee, Men

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if something happened I was screwed. I was lucky my parents had money and my brother was willing to support me for a long time. Once I started doing standup, I had an income, and that was amazing to me.

Topics: Brother, Long, Support, Support Me

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?

Topics: Care, Way, Belief

I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"

Topics: Party, People, Networking

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

Topics: Believe, Mirrors, Work Out

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down.

Topics: Writing, Stuff, Odd

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

Topics: Morning, Eye, Taught, Bloodshot Eyes

In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a bit different. If there's a group of people who have a right to be bitter, it's the people of New Orleans.

Topics: New Orleans, People, Groups, Dealing With People

My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions.It's really cool.

Topics: Father, Really Cool, Wells

There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.

Topics: Christian, Believe, Thinking

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes

Topics: House, Clubs, Pancakes

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

Topics: Thinking, Years, Republican

It's 2003. Why can't I teleport?

Topics: Progress

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

Topics: People, Leader, Groups

These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.

Topics: Christian, People, Religion, Flintstones

If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.

Topics: Christian, Good Luck, Home

I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.

Topics: People, Insane, Sometimes

I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should.

Topics: Mean, Kids, Lines

Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!

Topics: Sports, Sex, School

I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.

Topics: Play, People, Bottles, Offshore

I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism.

Topics: Country, People, Able

Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular.

Topics: Blood, Pressure, Interviews

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

Topics: Morning, New York, Optimistic

Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun.

Topics: Fun, Book, Reading

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

Topics: Valentine, Holiday, Years

Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love, that and maybe having the amazing health insurance plan that our congressmen have.

Topics: Graduation, Secret, Want

Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.

Topics: Politics, Nazi, Tourettes

There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.

Topics: Morning, Eye

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.

Topics: Mother, Mustache, Teresa

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.

Topics: Crazy, Thinking, May

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

Topics: Mtv, Kfc, Chickens

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

Topics: Lying, Waiting, President

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'

source: - "Lewis Black: Red, White and Screwed". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. June 10, 2006.

Topics: Home, Nuts, Two, Two Of Us

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation

Topics: Dawn, Eating, Turns

In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?

Topics: Struggle, Emotional, Giving, Emotional Growth, Essays

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

Topics: Should, Wells

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

Topics: Funny Things, Upset, Matter

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

source: - Lewis Black (2008). “Me of Little Faith”, p.38, Penguin

Topics: Relax, Ass, Breathe

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

Topics: Yelling, Car, Towns

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.

Topics: Song, Home, Mtv, Killing Yourself

Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.

Topics: Earth Day, Drug, One Day

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.

Topics: Unique, Different, Snowflake

It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?

Topics: Iraq, Giving, Waiting

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.

Topics: Talking, People, Littles

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

Topics: Psychotic, Comic

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

Topics: Creepy, Sneaky, Nancy

Everybody's got cable.

Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.

Topics: Sky, Clouds, Sight, Jigsaw

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.

Topics: Thinking, Panic, Folks

People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.

Topics: Being Single, People, Would Be

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

Topics: Christmas, Online

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

Topics: Touring

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

Topics: Yelling, Stage

The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, 'I've got a really bad idea.' And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, 'And I can make it sh*ttier.'

Topics: Party, Ideas, Two, Two Party System

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

Topics: Country, Crazy, Smart, Harem

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.

Topics: Life, Real, Two, Die Young

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.

Topics: Citizens, Happy Person, Persons

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

Topics: Running, America, Energy, Fair Share

In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.

Topics: New York

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

source: - Twitter post from May 03, 2014

Topics: Blow, Differences, Republican

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

Topics: Thinking, Have Faith, Faith In God

They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!

source: - "Rules of Enragement". Comedy album, 2003.

Topics: Funny, Lying, Humor

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

Topics: Normal, Feels, My Friends

I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'Do you see a bomb?' 'I don't see a bomb.' 'There's no bomb.' 'I've only got two stops - let's go for it.

Topics: New York, Doors, Years

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

source: - "Rules of Enragement". Comedy album, 2003.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Garden

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.

Topics: Running, Car, Cognitive Dissonance, Dissonance

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

Topics: Color, Two, Green, Color Red, Red And Green

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

Topics: Funny, Humor, Ideas

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

source: - "Global Warming Cleverly Hides Itself With 1 Million Sq Miles More Arctic Ice" by Jazz Shaw, hotair.com. September 8, 2013.

Topics: Liars, Mean, Meteorologists

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.

source: - "Lewis Black talks about life, liberty and the pursuit of funny". Interview with Brian J. Karem, www.mocovox.com. December 08, 2012.

Topics: Interesting, Pay, Rich

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.

source: - "Black on Broadway". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. May 15, 2004.

Topics: Party, Ideas, Two, Two Party System

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.

Topics: Country, People, Way

If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.

Topics: Guy, Singing, Subway, Wasting Money

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

Topics: Math, Republican, Democrat

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

source: - "Lewis Black Says F**k Voter Suppression In New ACLU Voting Rights Video" by Ed Mazza, www.huffingtonpost.com. October 10, 2014.

Topics: Elected Officials, Officials

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

Topics: Stupid, Differences, Dumb

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.

Topics: School, Juniors, Junior High, High School Junior

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

source: - "Lewis Black on the things he'll always love". Interview with David Wolinsky, www.avclub.com. February 15, 2010.

Topics: Valentines Day, Holiday, Looks

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

source: - FaceBook post by Lewis Black from Sep 02, 2015

Topics: Funny, Humor, Years, Donuts

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

source: - "Lewis Black: Red, White and Screwed". Documentary, Comedy, June 10, 2006.

Topics: Funny, Country, Humor

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.

source: - Lewis Black (2005). “Nothing's Sacred”, p.215, Simon and Schuster

Topics: Echoes, Needs, Sanity

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

source: - "Lewis Black: Black on Broadway". TV Special, www.imdb.com. May 15, 2004.

Topics: Funny, Fruit Juice, Drink Milk, Soy, Soy Milk

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.

Topics: Feel Better, Vote, Guilty, Bad Marriage, He Makes Me Feel

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

source: - "Black on Broadway". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. May 15б 2004.

Topics: Wall, Air, Should Have, Cold Air

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

source: - "The End of the Universe". Comedy Album, 2002.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Missing

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.

source: - "Lewis Black on the things he'll always love". Interview with David Wolinsky, www.avclub.com. February 15, 2010.

Topics: Scotch, Moved On, Attention, Malt, I Moved On

I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States, he said on over a hundred occasions, he said the following: He said, 'One of the great accomplishments while I was the governor of Arkansas, was to take my state in education from 50th to 49th.' And I thought, ' you know, Bill, you should keep that a secret.

Topics: Running, Accomplishment, Secret, Governors, Great Accomplishment

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

Topics: Tortoises, Get Up, Bigs

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!

Topics: Brain, Bed, Use

Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.

Topics: Ice Cream, Stronger, Wow, Blackouts

If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'

Topics: Book, Government, Why Not, Systems Of Government

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

Topics: Thinking, Apples, Life Is Like

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

Topics: Home, Thinking, Light, Twinkling, Really Creepy

Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.

Topics: Hate, Divorce, Men, Alimony

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.

source: - "Comedy boils over when Lewis Black hits the stage". Interview with Bruce Dancis, www.popmatters.com. August 15, 2007.

Topics: Reality, Republican, Democrat

"Equestrian", by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.

source: - "Lewis Black: Red, White and Screwed". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. June 10, 2006.

Topics: Should Have, Two, Brokeback Mountain, Equestrian

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.

Topics: Republican, Democrat, Stills

If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he still won't shut up I throw it at him.

Topics: Trying, Earth, Fossils

I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'Wow, it's gonna be a great day.

Topics: Country, Believe, Dwarves

One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it.

source: - "Lewis Black's Life Advice for Millennials" by Gwynne Watkins, www.gq.com. August 22, 2013.

Topics: School, Leaving, Important, Leaving School

How our government works... it doesn't.

source: - "Nothing's Sacred". Book by Lewis Black, March 22, 2005.

Topics: Government, Working It, Government Work

Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!

Topics: Horse, College, Thinking

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

Topics: People, Minnesota, Social

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it's really just - I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn't help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that's not a good way to learn.

source: - "Lewis Black on the things he'll always love". Interview with David Wolinsky, www.avclub.com. February 15, 2010.

Topics: Teacher, Kids, Play, Arthritis, Piano Teachers

I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes

Topics: Kids, Watches, Keith, Transsexuals

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

Topics: Law, Doe, Want, Enron

I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.

source: - "Lewis Black finds no shortage of stupidity". Interview with Steven Winn, www.sfgate.com. June 24, 2009.

Topics: Cnn, Watches, Foxes

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.

Topics: Kids, Thinking, America, Political Spectrum

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

source: - "Taxed Beyond Belief". Documentary, Comedy, 2002.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Men

In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs.

source: - "The White Album". Comedy album, 2000.

Topics: Snow, Drug, Together

There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!

source: - "Anticipation". Comedy album, 2008.

Topics: Reality, Thinking, Perfect, Best Moments

We have fossils... We win!

Topics: Winning, Religion, Fossils

I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

source: - "Lewis Black Is No Judge Judy". Interview with Nick Baumann, www.motherjones.com. March 11, 2008.

Topics: Guarantees That, Clubs, Comedy, Comedy Clubs

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

source: - "Black on Broadway". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. May 15, 2004.

Topics: People, Leader, Drug

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.

Topics: Kids, Shopping, Said

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.

Topics: People, Living My Life, Endless, Endless Life

When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

Topics: Funny, Humor, Men

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

Topics: People, Bipartisan

It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.

source: - "Lewis Black's Life Advice for Millennials" by Gwynne Watkins, www.gq.com. August 22, 2013.

Topics: Distance, Two, People

Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis.

Topics: People, Psychotic, Midst

The new millennium sucks! What a disappointment! What's the difference between the old millennium and the new millennium? Nothing! It's the same load of crap with a '2' in the front. When I was a kid, I am old enough so that when I was a kid, I looked forward to the new millennium. When I was young, I said, 'I'm gonna live through a change! A massive change! Things are gonna be different! Things are gonna be great!' Screwed again! No flying cars! No flying cars!

Topics: Disappointment, Kids, Flying Cars, Massive Change, Load

What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.'

Topics: Adults, Doe, Budgeting

On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.

Topics: Magazines, Pages, Planes, Time Magazine

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

source: - Lewis Black (2008). “Me of Little Faith”, p.26, Penguin

Topics: Dancing, Littles, Snowflake

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

Topics: Children

Everybody's family has different values.

source: - “Lewis Black Is Mad as Usual and He's Going to Take It” by Matt Sullivan, www.esquire.com. November 2, 2010.

Topics: Different, Different Values, Values

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

Topics: Guy, Bigs, Has Beens

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

source: - "Lewis Black: Taxed Beyond Belief". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2002.

Topics: Funny, War, Humor

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Ideas

My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It went on too long, it was hard to follow, and you could only enjoy it if you were really, really, *really* stoned.

Topics: Space, Years, Long, Space Odyssey, 2001 A Space Odyssey

My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.

source: - "A Lewis 'Black Christmas' With The USO". "Talk of the Nation" with Neal Conan, www.npr.org. November 4, 2010.

Topics: People, Uniforms, Problem

There's no reason to tweet when you are in the midst of a great moment; they are few and far between. So pay attention to it, as you probably won't see it again. You can always tweet later, if you're lucky enough to be part of history and you think 140 characters can do credit to someone like Martin Luther King or to the speech he made that day.

source: - Source: www.guernicamag.com

Topics: Character, Thinking, Lucky, Great Moments, 140 Character

Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.

source: - Lewis Black (2005). “Nothing's Sacred”, p.147, Simon and Schuster

Topics: Funny, Humor, Effort, Peddling

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.

Topics: Night, Thinking, Play, Hanukkah

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

Topics: Tired, Apologizing

I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.

Topics: Amazed

Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel.

Topics: Thinking, Guy, Video, Nuremberg

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.

Topics: Sex, Kids, Winning, Sporting Events, Schmucks

In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks.

Topics: Country, Vegas, Iowa

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, and the blizzard would hit again!

source: - "Black on Broadway". Documentary, Comedy, May 15, 2004.

Topics: Funny, Home, Humor, Blizzard

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

Topics: Real, World, Palin

I think inevitably over the course of my lifetime there's been an underestimation of the American people, and I believe they are really the ones that give me hope. There's so much of "they don't know this, and they don't know that," and they're always denigrating.

source: - "Lewis Black Is No Judge Judy". Interview with Nick Baumann, www.motherjones.com. March 11, 2008.

Topics: Believe, Thinking, People

If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.

Topics: Class, Warfare, Rich, Class Warfare

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

Topics: Political, Pay, Stuff

He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.

Topics: Thinking, Nervous, Nervous System, Central Nervous System

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

Topics: Strokes

[The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.

source: - "The End of the Universe". Comedy album, 2002.

Topics: Mean, Hands, Weather

When you're done [with writing a book], people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"

source: - Interview with Amelie Gillette, www.avclub.com. June 7, 2006.

Topics: Book, Writing, People

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

source: - Lewis Black (2005). “Nothing's Sacred”, p.13, Simon and Schuster

Topics: Funny, Sweet, Believe, Pumpkin Pie

I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know - I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and there on one corner was a Starbucks, and across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, there was - a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the sun was playing tricks with my eyes. That there was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks - and that, my friends, is the end of the universe.

Topics: Block, Eye, Thinking, Comedy Clubs

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

Topics: Notebook, School, Holiday, Erasers, Hanukkah

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

Topics: Father, Labs, Nine, Ordnance

The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.

Topics: Generations, Want, Couches

I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.

Topics: Hell, Aerosmith, Sync, Trifecta

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.

source: - "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Topics: Feelings, Want, Want Him

When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

Topics: Horse, College, Years, Vice President

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.

source: - "Lewis Black Is No Judge Judy". Interview with Nick Baumann, www.motherjones.com. March 11, 2008.

Topics: Stupid, Stupidity, Obvious

I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.

source: - Interview with Amelie Gillette, tv.avclub.com. June 7, 2006.

Topics: Thinking, Ideas, Shapes