Ron White quotes

  • You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.
    -- Ron White

    #Stupid #Class #Pills

  • I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
    -- Ron White

    #Funny Life #Silent #Funny Bumper Sticker

  • I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
    -- Ron White

    #Inspirational #Funny #Encouraging

  • Years ago, while I was watching a baseball game between the Baltimore Orioles and the Texas Rangers, I remember staring in awe at Cal Ripken. I realized during this game that 'you don't have to be flashy' or have 'power numbers' to be great. It's about the simple things that are the hard things. It's about leadership, work ethic and commitment.
    -- Ron White

    #Baseball #Commitment #Simple

  • I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
    -- Ron White

    #Bumper Sticker #Carrots #Chains

  • The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"
    -- Ron White

    #Funny #Mean #Doors

  • People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.
    -- Ron White

    #Humor #People #Alcohol

  • We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!
    -- Ron White

    #Stupid #Eye #Order

  • The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.
    -- Ron White

    #Smart #School #Mean

  • You can only do two things with your life: give it away or throw it away.
    -- Ron White

    #Two #Giving #Two Things

  • The next time you have a thought... let it go.
    -- Ron White

    #Inspirational #Funny #Witty

  • In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.
    -- Ron White

    #Texas #Use #Death Penalty

  • I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
    -- Ron White

    #Soccer #Believe #Games

  • Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!
    -- Ron White

    #Minutes #Diamond

  • Everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level. Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me and I'm pretty good at helping them get there. I think we all work together on some level, but for the most part, we're on our own.
    -- Ron White

    #Thinking #Creative #Working Together

  • My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.
    -- Ron White

    #Goal #Laughing #Make You Laugh

  • You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.
    -- Ron White

    #Truth #Hammered

  • I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.
    -- Ron White

    #Ideas #People #Laughing

  • The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.
    -- Ron White

    #Hard Work #Age #Fans

  • The biggest piece of advice that I give young comedians is: If it's your goal to get where I'm at, go do something else. Because you'll never get here. Never. The odds are so bad. Because not only do you have to be a really, really strong comedian but you also have to be lucky. And most people don't get that combination.
    -- Ron White

    #Strong #Odds #People

  • I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.
    -- Ron White

    #Believe #Creative #Levels

  • I don't even plan things until later, so no I got no plans.
    -- Ron White

    #Plans

  • I only like the live audience. I don't even like to do standup where it's being filmed. Because it affects the way the audience responds to what you say, because it makes them uncomfortable. You have to perform in a light room, and I prefer a dark room. But I love to perform, and I don't really see myself doing any television at all.
    -- Ron White

    #Dark #Light #Television