Dane Cook quotes

  • Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Drinking #Thinking #Drunk

  • After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Mom #Loss #Thinking

  • Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Winning #Insanity #Mind

  • I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Kids #Past #Two

  • When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Fun #People #Littles

  • If a kid is really interested in wanting to have a career in aviation, he's actually learning and getting some of the [basics], not even just fringe. There are things in here that movie [Planes] about like the pulp of an engine, and it's the actual engine, the actual parts and pieces. So I felt like I got schooled as well. I learned a lot just being in there and doing that.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Kids #Careers #Pieces

  • I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
    -- Dane Cook

    #People #Psychology #Watches

  • I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Creativity #Love Is #Brain

  • The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Boys #Men #Games

  • I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared.
    -- Dane Cook

    #People #Challenges #Twenties

  • We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.'
    -- Dane Cook

    #Scary #Kind #Moments

  • The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Directors #Actors #Pieces

  • I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Thinking #Littering #Terrorist

  • I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Space #People #Toss

  • I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Hands #Spoons #Excited

  • My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Jobs #Real #Home

  • Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Character #Imagination #Effort

  • I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Writing #Night #Funny Things

  • If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Mean #Want #Term

  • I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Airplane #Littles

  • I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Different #Done #Comedy

  • I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Guitar #Play #Movie Love

  • I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Kids #Past #Years

  • I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Play #Cameras #Shooting

  • I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Book #Years #Twelve

  • I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Real #Long #Comedy

  • Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Laughing #Make Me Laugh

  • My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'
    -- Dane Cook

    #Mom #Nicknames #Compass

  • Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Guy #Comedy #Genuine

  • When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Directors #Comedy #Sometimes

  • I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Lord #God Bless You #God Bless

  • Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Winning #Appreciate #Giving

  • What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Adventure #Vegas

  • You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Laughing #Attention #Crowds

  • That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Mother #Years #Stories

  • I get so into the moment.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Moments

  • Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Lonely #Valentine #Being In Love

  • We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Lying #Cry #Painful

  • I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.
    -- Dane Cook

    #People #Enjoy

  • When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Energy #Firsts #Scene

  • I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Comedian #Hecklers

  • I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Laughing #Loud #Laugh Out Loud

  • Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Hurt #Pain #Winning

  • Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
    -- Dane Cook

    #Funny #Cheating #Eye

  • I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.
    -- Dane Cook

    #People #Trying #Might

  • I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Drama #Reading #Home

  • Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Beautiful #Morning #Angel

  • I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Turkeys #People #Frozen

  • When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Swear

  • I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Years #Needs #Comedy

  • My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Mom #Brother #Betrayal

  • We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Moments #Rebirth #Breakthrough

  • My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Comedy #Sense Of Humor

  • I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Sorry #Self #People

  • I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Writing #Comedy #Spontaneity

  • I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Laughing #Parent #Saws

  • If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Funny #Say Anything #Use

  • I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Giving #Toasters #Today

  • I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Self #Anxiety #Panic Attacks

  • Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Anger #Way #Emotion

  • You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Mind #Share

  • In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Home #School #Years

  • I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Character #People #Laughing

  • I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
    -- Dane Cook

    #Funny #Snakes #Why Not

  • Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Jokes

  • I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Gorillas #Littles #Comedy

  • Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!
    -- Dane Cook

    #Hot #Comedy #Notes

  • I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Expectations #Benefits #Want

  • I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Able #Way #Comedy

  • I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Girlfriend #Thinking #Get Better

  • I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Careers #Psychology #Awful

  • When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love on like the same day - even Karen the douche bag falls in love! Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by, “What? The 'tards just got married on their lawn. That's great! I have nobody, and the 'tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of 'tardiness”.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Falling In Love #People #Bags

  • I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Laughing #Giants #Crabs

  • I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Ideas #Challenges #Want

  • When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not
    -- Dane Cook

    #Want #T Shirt #Shirts

  • When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you ... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain
    -- Dane Cook

    #Party #Rain #House

  • I'm a late-night guy.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Night #Guy #Late Night

  • When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'
    -- Dane Cook

    #Missing #Buttons #Hot

  • When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Laughter #Men #Work Out

  • I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Funny #Kids #Boys

  • When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!
    -- Dane Cook

    #Inspirational #Funny #Travel

  • There's estrogen running through my veins!
    -- Dane Cook

    #Running #Veins #Estrogen

  • I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
    -- Dane Cook

    #Muffins

  • I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Vegas

  • I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Feels

  • Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.
    -- Dane Cook

  • It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, “My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!
    -- Dane Cook

    #Eye #Fire #Hands

  • On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.
    -- Dane Cook

    #Sorry #Kids #Directors

  • I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school
    -- Dane Cook

    #School #Shoes #Legs