Jimmy Carr Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

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“The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Jobs #Personality #Comedian
“British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Funny #Children #Use
“When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Kids #Thinking #Church
“See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Funny #Evil #Comedy
“If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Years #Dying #Mosquitoes
“When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!”
-- Jimmy Carr

#People #House #Dinner
“I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Writing #Class #Rude
“The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Feet #Joining #Weight
“I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Writing #People #Add
“I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Laughing #Sound #Realising
“I pay what I have to and not a penny more.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Pay #Pennies
“Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Sex #Tunnels #Phones
“I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Laughing #Trying #Release
“Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Winning #Awards #Excitement
“How many airports are there in the world?”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Airports #World
“I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Dog #Thinking #Ideas
“Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Eye #People #Acid
“I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Watches #Tvs #Tickets
“A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Cancer #Done #Research
“A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Sound #Surprising #Jokes
“As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Marketing #Firsts #Comedy
“The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Comedy #Bigger #Audience
“It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Two #People #Laughing
“You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Guy #Want #Faces
“I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#People #Stories #Pubs
“You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Race #Different #World
“There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#People #Jokes
“After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Night #Words Of Wisdom #Watches
“I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Book #Reading #Parent
“Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.”
-- Jimmy Carr

#Crazy #Laughing

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